New Post for Wifey

[The Wifey]

Journaling:

I had a weird thought pattern today. I was thinking about our letters back and forth just before and just after we married, while he was in basic training and tech school. The thought hit me so strongly that he had loved me then just the way I was.

I wasn't judged, fallen short of any expectations, I was loved just the way I was.

I sat in my car and had some tears while I was thinking about how much it hurt that he didn't just love me the way I was. It hurt so much and it felt like a huge weight.

I thought about how he'd been with our son. So hard on him and so strict. He had a hard time balancing discipline with affection and showing his love.

Then it hit me - the way I was feeling and hurting was exactly how my H was feeling. H wanted to be loved without being judged, being okay just the way he was and loved without being judged.

I realize so much has happened over the years of our m that he just figured that opportunity of loving just because we did was gone.

Yes, part of the mess we are in is his "stuff" but it is also my "stuff." Where I was looking at this as he needs to deal with his "stuff" it is back to me not being able to control or change him. I need to deal with my own "stuff" and just love him as he is.

I am even judging his parenting style. My C and I have talked about the difference in parenting styles. We both came to the conclusion that maybe, had I backed off a little and not intervened, My H and my S could have come to a point of balance.

H was probably harder on my S because I tried to get in the middle, where if I'd not done that, they may have gotten to some points of understanding.

That isn't to say he was always right. It is to say that we should have talked, come to decisions together, been in agreement on some more points.

We are both at fault in that not happening more.

I pray every day for my H, my M and my S. Today I pray that I can just love. No judgments, no condemnation, no shifting the blame. I pray I can deal with my "stuff" and leave him to deal with his, and just love.