A new one here....

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Tomato- thanks for the thread expansion. :-)

Not to get too off topic, but you should give the The Hobbit & The Lord of the Rings "trilogy" (it's not really a true trilogy) another look. I am a little biased ;-), but I think that LOTR is one of the greatest literary works of the 20th century. Prof. Tolkien was a expert linguist (among other things) and longtime professor of language and literature at Oxford University. The worlds he created are incredibly complex, and incorporate many elements of Germanic/Norse mythology. In fact, his works have been the subject of college courses.

Not to disparage Ms. Rowling and her "Harry Potter" creation, but Professor Tolkien (and CS Lewis) pretty much _created_ the fantasy genre. It is quite possible that if it weren't for him, and a few others in his circle, there would be no "Harry Potter".

Back to something more on-topic: no word from her so far today. I popped a quick note to my attorney just to update her with what the W was doing with closing credit cards, etc.

The Head & Heart Soreness Meter© is at about a 5.5, I think. It doesn't help that I stay up too late & have trouble waking up in the morning, leading to having to rush to get to work barely on time. Plus, the fact that the weather here has turned grey and oppressively muggy isn't helping. I have started riding my bike again (12-18 miles), and that helps my head, but in this weather that isn't a pleasant activity.

I am listening to "The Secret" again on the way back & forth to work- that helps calm me a bit. Trying to visualize and project a positive outcome to this whole sorry mess without being delusional about the reality of the current moment...

Middle Earth sounds like it would be a really good place to visit about now.... :-)

[Dia]

Mae govannen, mellon.

I'm a huge Tolkien fan, too.

Hope all is well with you,

Dia

(@ Tomato - Tolkien was a linguist who was great friends with C.S. Lewis. He made up languages for the elves, dwarves and what in his books, but the name Arwen may well have Welsh roots as that was one of the languages he studied. Geeky side-note: I never picked this up until I heard it spoken vs. reading it, but I think his dwarvish language has roots in Hebrew.)

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Mae govannen, mellon!

Although the handle is Elvish, I would say in disposition I am more like one of the Rohirrim, so I will add "wes thu hal"!

[Entangled]

I am listening to "The Secret" again on the way back & forth to work- that helps calm me a bit. Trying to visualize and project a positive outcome to this whole sorry mess

Middle Earth sounds like it would be a really good place to visit about now.... :-)

I played Bombur in "The Hobbit" in Jr. High.

"The Secret" ~ bad karma for me I'm afraid. That was the first thing my wife read 2 years ago when she started to really withdraw from our relationship. What I can't seem to figure out is why me and our relationship seem to be a black hole in her universe into which positive intentions and outcomes can not penetrate? I can't understand how someone who is so into positive intentions, signs from the universe, and metaphysical healing can't understand how she is rejecting the possibility that those things also apply to her husband?

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Looking for advice from the more experienced users here:

Over the last 17 years, I became very close to my in-laws, both my W's parents as well as her 6 siblings. I have always considered this to be an incredible blessing, all the more so because we are a gay couple, and they are a very Catholic family in a small southern Indiana town. They have always been very warm, welcoming & loving to me and much of my sadness over the sitch with my W is that I am losing such a wonderful family.

Soon after I became aware of the A, I spoke to them on the phone (on MIL's birthday), and my MIL was very distraught over our situation. I am concerned that in my W's guilt over the A and re-writing our marriage history to justify her actions, that she has since been villainizing me to her parents.

I have been thinking of writing her parents a letter, explaining that in spite of W's actions, ongoing A, and apparently our impending D, I still love their daughter and want our marriage to survive. One reason why I would choose to write rather than call them on the phone- I don't want them to feel that they need to defend her to me (although what she has been doing is pretty indefensible). I don't want them to intervene in any way, or feel that they need to choose sides; I just want them to know where I stand.

Thoughts? Good idea? Bad idea?

[pearlharbr]

Hi Arwen

Just read your thread and jumping in on the in-laws question.

I know others recommend not involving the WAS's family but I also felt like I had to simply explain my position. I was supposed to go with BF to his parents' house for Christmas and already had a slightly tenuous relationship with his mother. I was afraid that not showing up and him not offering any explanation (which he didn't) she would assume that I wasn't going because I don't like her/them/the family which is completely untrue.

So I ended up sending a short email along the lines of, "I want to explain my absence for the holiday. BF is having an affair with a coworker. I still love him very much and am willing to work on our problems but I cannot do this unless and until he ends his affair."

BF's family is extremely non-confrontational and non-communicative so I didn't expect a response but his mother did email back about a month later. She said I had become part of the family over the years and hoped things would work out for the best for both of us.

That's my experience for what it's worth.

[mlj]

I love how the email was worded. I would also like to send something similar out to his family and our mutual friends. I'm sure he would blow up at me though, and call me a liar!

MJ

[harpo]

I would avoid the face to face .tried it with my out-laws all I got was the blame and a bad cup of coffee.

[Dia]

What did you ever decide about the letter, and if you sent it, how did it go?

Checking in to see how you're doing.

Dia

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Hey Dia-
Haven't decided yet on the letter. There's no rush on it....

Will update the sitch more later on, when I'm not at work!