I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Beepee, you scare me a little when you mention the adorable old man in The Shawshank Redemption. That story-line had a tragic ending.

It scares me too. I felt like him yesterday. I wanted that ending so I just wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore. But I know that's not the way to go. It's just an easy way out, and it's running away from my problems .. for good. I feel like my H is running away from our problems and has issues with talking about how he feels and instead just ignores them and walks away without a care for anyone else but himself. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to leave this world without thinking how it would affect my family and friends. I wouldn't walk away from them like H did to me. That is not me, that's not who I want to be.

I think it's a good thing you have stopped thinking about H (detaching). You've been doing a lot of good things for yourself lately.

I'm happy that I've detached a bit but I'm scared that I actually don't care anymore, that right now, I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Maybe thats a good thing, its becomes easier to detach once you don't care. Not that I don't care about him, I do. I just don't care where this ends up now. I'm just so sick of everything that I want to be rid of it. But that's just how I feel now, I might feel different later. But to be quite honest, I'd rather feel this way because its easier to detach. I don't want to go back to feeling extremely needy and snooping. I like that I don't want to know what he's doing, who he's with, what he's up to. I like not caring right now. I want to care for myself. I desperately need it.

When our mind is hurt, we need to give it quiet time to heal too.

This is my quiet time..

[orangedog]

It scares me too.

You should talk to your counselor.

__

The detaching thing for me isn't so much about caring or not caring. It's just choosing to put that stuff aside for awhile. Not engaging the thought when it comes up. Focusing on my own game.

__

Maybe you can't afford THE bike right now but you could probably afford A bike if you look around on Craigslist or something. Just get something to ride for right now and when you get the cash you can replace it with your dream cycle.

[mishka422]

I got a great bike at Wal-Mart for $89. It was totally worth every penny!

[beepee]

Yeah, the Schwinn vintage style bike I want is actually from Wal-Mart too and it's 85 bucks which I still can't afford. I'd rather keep the money for a deposit. I need all the money I can get. And if I buy a bike, I'll never hear the end of it from my brother and I just don't want to deal with him anymore. He has a problem with everything I do.

I'm going to see my C next week, I feel a bit better today, not much, but better nonetheless.

[Gardener]

Hey, Beep, Stay strong. Go back and read some of your recent posts of your progress and recent fun times with friends. call one of them. call your counselor or whoever your contact is and see if you can move appt. up or get an emergency appt./session.

With one of your friends, alone, or on this board write down every single conceivable, possible idea for getting you out of that toxic house - no matter how wacky, far-fetched "not do-able" - just keep writing and see what your mind and heart and strength come up with. If you were thrown out of that house tonight, what would you do? Do that.

And know that you have a support system here that cares about you and will read/listen/respond to anything you say, feel, or scream.

Make promises to that girl in the mirror, but don't let her lead or guide you. The hurt girl in the mirror needs you. But first you gotta get her sticky hands off the steering wheel and tell her you'll handle it from here.

Love and hugs to my very good Beepster!

[The Wifey]

Beep Beep honey.

You are getting stronger, don't let yourself talk you out of strength.

[davidswife]

BP,

How are you doing today? Out and about??

Stacy

[beepee]

Thanks Gardener, you absolutely rock! lots of *hugs*

I took your advice and wrote down some possible ideas, couldn't come up with much but got something down anyway!

Wifey: I won't, I'm fighting it everyday and won't stop!

Stacey: Good morning! I'm doing better today, thanks! I got up about 2 hours ago and have been applying for jobs and searching apartments nonstop and responding to emails. So not out and about but still doing something productive and getting me baby steps closer to getting out of this house.

No Dinner party tomorrow but going to a lounge instead and a late night dinner in the city. Again, forcing myself to go as I know it'll make me feel better even though I don't feel up for it at all!

Hoping I get at least one call for all the resumes I've sent out!! It's getting so frustrating but I think I'm in for a couple months of this..

[davidswife]

BP,

Good for you -- getting up and jumping into job and living sitch!

Do you have a Bachelor's Degree? Depending on the state, you could probably substitute teach if you have a four year degree. I don't know if that interests you at all, but it's usually decent pay -- about $25/hr. here in Wisconsin. School will be starting soon -- just a thought. It's also flexible enough that if you're interviewing, you could easily take a day off, etc.

Stacy

[beepee]

Hi Stacey:

Yeah I was wondering about that. I do have a Bachelors, I saw a few places looking for a substitute teacher but they arent accessible unless you have a car and drive which I dont. I'll look into more though and see if there are any in the city. Those are tough though! My brother is a teacher but before that, he was a substitute teacher in the city and he said it was crazy tough, the kids were insane! We'll see, I'm applying for basically anything right now!!