You are not a coward -- you have to know your timeline. I don't know if he's in denial about how you feel, or if he just plain doesn't care.
Stacy
I would agree with that. He DOESN'T CARE how you feel about it. He wants what he wants when he wants it. I think the fact that you vomited after that first experience would be a fairly telling sign that this is degrading to you. Has he ever voiced any concern or empathy for your feelings ever?
Journaling again- Sometimes, something just seems kinda wrong with this whole moving out thing, and I'm not sure what it is.
Constant brainwashing by him during your relationship is why it seems wrong. And what's known as "trauma bonding." It is not going to be easy to move out, and he will try to make it impossible. You need to be prepared for him to beg and plead and cry and make promises and lie his ass off to get you back or get you to stay. I am concerned about you because I read your post on lost-in-iowa's thread that said you were hoping for "some kind of epiphany" about what he's going to lose.
Dear God, Bunny, I hope YOU have an epiphany about how much you have to lose if you stay with this man. I'm afraid you are very vulnerable to the very predictable tactics he is going to use when you say you're leaving. You so much want to hear those words of love and affirmation (as anyone would!!!) but from him they will be lies.
If he cared about you he would not be forcing you into swinging or getting "infuriated" if you tell him your own needs. We are not talking about "consenting adults" we are talking about a man coercing his wife into activities that are damaging to her to please himself.
I hope you will find out from your counselor how experienced he/she is with pathological relationships.
I don't think he is going to want this to go to court. He may think it's all "acceptable", but he knows most people don't. He's going to be happy to keep things under wraps.
Keep getting legal advice, and protect yourself. And don't back down. You are doing the right thing. In most cases, there are questions... I don't think there are many in this case.
You need to be prepared for him to beg and plead and cry and make promises and lie his ass off to get you back or get you to stay.
Actually, I think it will be more likely that he will help me out the door. He'll be mad and upset, and he's not prone to begging- he has too much pride. I'm nervous about being proved right on that one...
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Has he ever voiced any concern or empathy for your feelings ever?
No, he usually explains to me why I'm wrong to feel like I do. After a while, I just stopped telling him anything- whether it's my feelings or just what's going on with me.
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You so much want to hear those words of love and affirmation
The last time he said ILY was this past winter after I came home from a swing experience. (He encouraged me to go out on solo dates besides joint activities.) I was feeling poorly about it when I got home and it really showed on my face. He said ILY several times in a row after reminding me that going out with these guys was good for my confidence and self-esteem, because of the attention and flattery. In reality I felt like a hooker who was too stupid to charge. (Side note- I also don't understand how he can want to ML after I've been out with someone else- it actually makes him quite excited. One more thing that is just wrong...) That date was the breaking point for me and I quit swinging. Couldn't take it anymore, it played havoc with my emotions. Told H he could do what he wanted, just leave me out of it. , didn't see why he should suffer because on account of me. I don't think he has lately, he would have told me if he was.
Around the same time I was surfing a swingers forum trying to gain some insight into H's thought process. I saw several times over in those posts that these couples were not about to do anything that would jeopardize their relationship- if one wanted to stop swinging, they would stop, no questions asked. Their marriages were more important than the swinging. I tried talking to H about it this past spring. He was not about to say that our marriage was the most important thing to him- sexual variety was crucial for him too. That was a big blow to my heart. He topped it off by saying he could say whatever I want, i.e. that he'll agree to stop, but he'll reach a point where he "couldn't take it anymore and would have to do something about it." That also shook me up. When I reminded him of that comment a couple weeks ago, he claimed that was just a possibility, not a definite. (Gee, thanks...)
Thank you to everyone for their concerns- it has meant a lot to me.
SB, you are a strong woman with a new attitude, right? You want to begin a new, healthy life, right?
So why on earth would you listen to anything your h has to say about anything anymore? I would bet the rent that he talks tough, but would fold like a cheap lawn chair if you made it very clear that you were going to march right into a courtroom with your held high and demand a fair settlement.
Do not be afraid anymore. No one who is worth your time is going to judge you for doing the right thing now. You should be proud that you are standing for your core values at last instead of burying them just to please your no-good h.
Here's another vote for staying strong. This whole swinging thing has been soul-destroying for you. There's an abusive relationship in my past, and once I was finally out I felt free, euphoric, my own person again. It may take awhile to get to that place, but you will!
Cheers,
Dia
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Yesterday I looked at two apartments and filled out a lease application for one of them. It’s really nice- 2 bedroom townhouse style, 2.5 baths, washer/dryer in the unit, living room, dining room, kitchen, patio, a small balcony off each bedroom, a carport with storage unit, and backs up to a woodsy area. Plus they were running a rent special through Saturday- they’re knocking a few bucks off the normal rate. Assuming I get approved, I should be moving in the first week of September, and they already called my office for an employment verification. This will be the first time that I’m really on my own- I’m excited, nervous, and the whole thing seems a bit unreal. It’s still sinking in for me.
Immediately after was my IC appointment. I told her about the new apartment, and we came up with a plan for telling H- when, where and how. I figure on telling him the weekend of 8/22 at his sister's house. That’ll give him two weeks notice, and I can hang out in S18’s room if need be for those two weeks, he’ll be gone by then. I have another appointment with her a few days before, so we can give it a dress rehearsal.
Also, I printed off my thread here and showed her what I had been thinking lately, and boy, was that really handy to have. I would have been hard-pressed to remember some of the details. I want everyone to know how impressed she was with your insights and observations. THANK YOU AGAIN! It has been so helpful to know I wasn’t alone and to have everyone’s support- it’s made a difference.
It took about 18 hours for the first moment of panic to set in- our daughter's bday is Oct 1 and our son's is in Nov- how would we handle those? And I won't see my in-laws at the holidays? Funny how my worries don't involve H, other than the nervousness about telling him.
Otherwise, my emotions are still rather calm, surprisingly. Felt a few quick urges to cry but they passed quickly and I didn't- the biggest urge was when I told my Mom. And it' not that I don't cry- my H is very good at inducing tears from me. I asked my IC yesterday about the numbness. Why haven't I felt any rage against H? I feel almost nothing- I think I must be doing a good job of burying it. She thinks I may need post----- (something, was it "traumatic" or something else- I don't remember) counseling latet. Have to get through this first...
It sounds like things are progressing well on the apartment front. The place you looked at sounds great. If I lived in your area, I'd ask where it was!
I think it's normal to have moments in which you'll feel panic or overwhelmed. This is a huge change and will significantly alter your life - IN A POSITIVE WAY! Always, always, always keep in mind that this is in your best interest. You deserve so much more than what your H has given you.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
I asked my IC yesterday about the numbness. Why haven't I felt any rage against H? I feel almost nothing- I think I must be doing a good job of burying it. She thinks I may need post----- (something, was it "traumatic" or something else- I don't remember) counseling latet. Have to get through this first...
PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Absolutely. That is really to be expected with what you've been coping with. The IC will help with you that. You are doing great though! Don't worry about birthdays and stuff yet. One day at a time!
Take care. Google PTSD and domestic abuse and you will get lots of info.
