Divorce not busted 2

[Coach]

what are her love languages?

If you don't know it is normally how people love on someone else. I am a physical touch and quality time guy so I will want to give my wife a shoulder massage or hangout together. The problem is that is not my wife's love language.

[Orich]

Oh, I see
Im not 100% sure, I will have to think about it. I am like you, physical touch and quality time, and it's not hers. Although one thing she always loved was when I would brush her hair. Usually I would sit behind her and brush her hair while we watched tv. Problem is that it almost always led to sex, so I'm afraid if I attempted to brush her hair now, she might think I was looking for something else. I will have to think about the whole thing.
Meantime, I will continue to be upbeat, and look for ways to connect again.

[Dia]

When things were good, what kinds of things did she do to show love for you? Did she say nice things, do little tasks like cooking or ironing your shirts, did she touch you, give you presents, spend time with you? Often what people do the most is the way they would like to have love shown to them as well.

[Orich]

She would always spend time with me, we were never apart. She used to reach out for my hand whenever we were walking anywhere together. She also used to make sure I remembered appointments or other things that I had to do because I have bad short-term memory. Funny, the short-term memory thing is one of the things she said bothers her now when we were in MC.

[Dia]

Ok, so that's looking like Quality Time and Physical Touch. Touch is tricky because when things are difficult, many people don't want to be touched (it provokes fear, I think) and an attempt may push them further away. Quality time is easy, though. It means you have to spend some time focusing just on her, listening, making eye contact, doing something together if that's what she wants, or even just sitting and talking. It doesn't have to be a long period of time, even 10 - 15 mins will work.

About the hair brushing - you might consider if there's a way to make this a 'safe' activity for her, where it wold be just the hair-brushing w/o leading to love-making. The hard part is giving the safety net (I won't pressure you to ML) without also rejecting her. Maybe someone else will have some ideas?

I'm thinking of some sort of time limit, such as - "I'd like to spend a few minutes brushing your hair before you go to bed." Or maybe suggesting that she bring the hairbush to the couch while you watch TV? Moving the activity out of the bedroom might make it feel safer?

P.S. Caveat - Keep in mind that I'm not so great at the whole initiating vs. not pursuing thing.

[Orich]

Excellent suggestions about the hair brushing.
I want to spend time with her, but lately she has been avoiding me, going to bed before me, working on the computer, or suggesting I go to the gym.
I ask her how her day was and other things about her, and I have been getting one word answers.
It's a difficult position. At the very least I know she has that doubt in her mind, so I will continue to stick it out and look for more of these doubts.

[25yearsmlc]

Orich,

I assume you are getting the book "The FIVe Love Languages" soon? It's very good.

Two other comments/questions. Like I say, no mother is unmoved by loving interactions with her kids and their father, so enjoy being a dad without looking for a reaction. Almost as if you forgot she's there, but without dissing her. KWIM? Really BE THE BEST DAD YOU CAN BE ASAP AND KEEP IT UP as it cannot but help no matter what. And I believe it softens a woman's heart more than she'd care to admit right now. Second -the hair brushing..YES and let me add something else and ask you and all the men out there a question-

I had a back surgery a few years back and I'm functioning fine now. No crippling effects or anything like that, but for several months it hurt like HELL and often still does. But I can DO all that I need to do with maybe 2 days a month of pain that slows me down. No big deal.

But at the time of the surgery, the physical therapist showed me things "my partner" was supposed to massage to help my nerve damage and recovery, etc. and I almost laughed out loud. As if my h could possibly rub my back, or feet for that matter, and NOT have it lead to ML...(and for a several weeks ML was out of the question post surgery) and h would rub my back and the back of my legs for at MOST 3-4 minutes before nodding off. To this day, he cannot give me a back rub without it leading to sex, for more than 2 minutes. I think I'm being literally accurate with that.

What's up with that guys? I have to say that a back rub, or a foot rub, or brushing my hair WITHOUT an immediate "are you ready to ml NOW??" would be so wonderful..in fact it probably would actually feel like foreplay -- if it weren't meant to be, but was for my benefit only..does this make sense? I mean, THEN I'd probably roll over and say how good that felt and "give us both our turn" etc etc.

Just tossing that in and hope it's not a hijack. But, Is touching a w without it leading to ML and knowing it won't, just too boring for you or too frustrating or what?

I don't mean to offend men with that question, but I have a ton of girlfriends who say the same thing. Can't get touched for long, without it leading to ML or it just ends fast...yet, Won't there come a time in all our lives when we are 80, or 100 (for us it'll be after we're `100 of course) when all we'll be able to do is touch for comfort?

Why not practice just a little now? It'd surely feel safe to her IF she believed it could happen Orich. It's so nice to be hugged and touched and not think it has to lead to ML when it's not in our mood or head or the kids are still awake and 5 feet away, or something is going on in our heads and if we could just relax a bit, FIRST, and I'm talking a good 10 minutes of just comforting touch, I think it'd do wonders for lots of marriages.

J-

[K4D]

But, Is touching a w without it leading to ML and knowing it won't, just too boring for you or too frustrating or what?

I had to laugh at this one because it is so true. It is nearly impossible to do that without becoming quickly in the mood hardcore. Perhaps if us men had better control in that area though, it might make things better in that our W would know that we do care about making her feel good and that it doesn't always have to lead to ML. But dang it, it is just so hard to not go there mentally.

Your point is well made though 25.

Kevin

[Orich]

I'll be honest. Most of the time I brushed her hair, I was getting ready for my turn. But I almost always gave her a good half hour first. Sometimes she would fall asleep while I was doing it, and I lost my turn. I was ok with that, really.
There were a lot of times when I gave her her 30 minutes with no expectations. Honest. I love my wife, and sometimes after a stressful day for her, I would do that for her. Now, usually I would get turned on, but I was always able to put that aside for her. And truthfully, she would often keep tally and give me my "turn" another time!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What's up with that guys?

Hey, don't blame us -- take it up with the Man Upstairs! HE wired us that way!

Puppy