I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

ok

[Virtually_Handsome]

You can do it beepee! HUGS!

[davidswife]

BP,

I hope you're up, showered, hair styled, make-up applied, bed made, etc.

What are you up to today? Maybe this can be day one of you not doing any internet stalking of H.

You can do it.

Stacy

[beepee]

Thanks everyone.

I had a really bad nervous breakdown yesterday and was on the verge of ending up in the hospital. I don't know what came over me but I felt so out of control. Maybe it was a combination of not knowing when I'm going to move out and live again, being so, so, so, angry at the H but at the same time missing him so much it hurts, and just a general feeling of hopelessness about my life in general. For the first time since he left, I locked myself in the closet and cried again in the dark. I felt no sense of purpose, I felt unbearably alone, I felt lost, I felt numb, I felt dead really. I looked at my bottles of medication and was angry at how it doesn't seem to be working and was so close to taking all of it at once and never waking up again.

But I looked in the mirror at myself crying and despite how pathetic I looked, I couldn't do it. Because no matter how much I don't like what I see in the mirror, no matter how much I don't like the feelings I have, no matter how hopeless I feel, the girl in the mirror was just looking back begging me to give her a chance, to give her a chance to make everything good again because she deserved it. And all I want is for my H to give us another chance but he won't and I know how painful it is to be rejected. So I'm giving her that chance, no matter how many tries it takes, she's going to make it.

Just like I feel my M shouldn't end without giving it my best shot, leaving no stone unturned, I feel my life shouldn't end without pouring my heart and soul into making it last for a very long time to come, and not stopping until happiness is achieved.

I know I have a lot of things going for me, I know I'm young. Every single day, someone says to me, you're young, get over it, move on. But being young doesnt make the pain any less bearable. Being young doesn't make it easier to move on, yes there are more opportunities but I have the same exact feelings as anyone else who is going through this. And being told I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me really just doesn't help. I understand everyone's only trying to help and to make me see the positives in my sitch and I am grateful for that, I truly am. But I'm just being honest, it just doesn't make me feel any better. It almost feels like you can't be young and in pain. My parents say this to me all the time. You're young, what do you know about pain and heartache?? Well, mom and dad, A LOT and much more than you think. When I was downstairs once, when H was here, and I was talking to my parents about how hurt I was, the first thing my mom did was say, "you hurt? I'M THE ONE THATS HURT. You don't know anything about pain." It's so frustrating.

After yesterday, I've reached a point where I have stopped caring. I don't know if this is a bad thing or a good thing. I have stopped caring about H. My anger towards him has clouded any good feelings I ever had/have for him. And right now, I just don't care. He can do whatever he wants, he can go wherever he wants. I'm done trying. I actually have no urges to contact him, no urge to see what he's up to, no desire to hear from him. As of right now, I really want to just shut myself out of his life. He's taken too much of my time as it is. I need to devote that time to myself and give myself that chance I promised.

But I still feel lost. Just like that, I went from doing all these projects and getting things done, to waking up today and not knowing what to do at all. I didn't even want to write in here but I thought it would be good just to get my feelings out. I really, really don't know what to do. I feel like the adorable old man in the Shawshank who was released from prison. That scene where he was alone in his apt not knowing what to do, having no one around, feeling so utterly lost, useless, hopelesss, purposeless. I cried when I watched that.

I know I need to just do anything but my energy levels and motivation have dropped to an alltime low. I'm just not caring for much right now. Hopefully this will pass soon.

[beepee]

Hi Stacy:

I haven't done anything yet except brushed my teeth and washed my face.

I've lost the desire to do anymore stalking so that's donewith.

Not sure what I'll do today, I have to sit down and think about it..

[Coach]

beepee, Check out "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. It's a book but a lot of the nuts and bolts of it can be found on-line. Google it.
Cheers

[beepee]

Thanks Coach:

I think I may have read it before but I can't remember!
I'm looking it up now. Thanks for the suggestion

[mishka422]

I need to devote that time to myself and give myself that chance I promised.

Bingo! This is the beginning step. Realising that the time you have given to thinking about what he's doing, who he's with, where he is, etc. is only taking time away from you. You are the only person who can improve your life.....SO DO IT!

It's easy to say, I know. Beep, I've been exactly where you are. Holding a bottle of pill in my hand and considering swallowing all of it, getting angry and fed up with the situation, being hurt and feeling lonely, and just not caring anymore what anyone does or says. Yep, been there. I understand. The only thing I can tell you is that the more you concentrate on you and your life and getting to your next goal the easier it will get.

I'm 19 months post bomb, 8 months post D and still have moments like that. But they are usually just that....moments. Healing a broken heart is hard work. It is just that though...W O R K! Get on with the work of living and healing. Do it for you and for the future you.

Frankly, you family situation sounds very toxic to me. I know you feel you need out of there to be able to live again. Are there any friends who would allow you to crash with them for a short amount of time so you can get out of the living situation you are in? Can you find ways to just spend more time out of the house? Walking, riding your bike (did you mean you did get one?), visiting friends.

I'm going to keep thinking about other ideas for you to pull out of this. I have to run right now but I'll be back. Chin up sweetie, you're going to make and be stronger for it!!!

[orangedog]

Beepee, you scare me a little when you mention the adorable old man in The Shawshank Redemption. That story-line had a tragic ending.

I'm sorry your family doesn't seem to understand what you are going through. I agree with Mishka; find a way to get out more or stay with a friend for a while.

I think it's a good thing you have stopped thinking about H (detaching). You've been doing a lot of good things for yourself lately. Just keep your mind on your own sitch and don't let the other sitch bring you down. You need to give it a rest and give yourself time to heal.

My favorite Zen author Thich Nhat Hahn wrote a parable. When an animal is injured it lays down in the forest to heal. When our mind is hurt, we need to give it quiet time to heal too.

[beepee]

The only thing I can tell you is that the more you concentrate on you and your life and getting to your next goal the easier it will get.

I know but it's just SO hard to get to that point and I feel like living here is hindering my chances of getting there soon.

Frankly, you family situation sounds very toxic to me.

Its beyond toxic, my C thinks so too and she's really pushing me to get out and I need to because I can't survive in this environment anymore. I can't go out more often with friends because they all work an hour away so I can only see them on weekends. Haven't gotten a bike yet since I don't have the money to purchase one, and theres really nowhere to go thats within walking distance here. walking around the neighborhood is getting old. I can't crash with any friends either, they all have their boyfriends and fiances and it just wouldnt happen. I'm constantly trying to find a place that doesnt do credit checks but its very hard to find one.

I'm going to keep thinking about other ideas for you to pull out of this.

thanks so much mishka, I need al the ideas I can get!!