I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Thanks everyone.

I had a really bad nervous breakdown yesterday and was on the verge of ending up in the hospital. I don't know what came over me but I felt so out of control. Maybe it was a combination of not knowing when I'm going to move out and live again, being so, so, so, angry at the H but at the same time missing him so much it hurts, and just a general feeling of hopelessness about my life in general. For the first time since he left, I locked myself in the closet and cried again in the dark. I felt no sense of purpose, I felt unbearably alone, I felt lost, I felt numb, I felt dead really. I looked at my bottles of medication and was angry at how it doesn't seem to be working and was so close to taking all of it at once and never waking up again.

But I looked in the mirror at myself crying and despite how pathetic I looked, I couldn't do it. Because no matter how much I don't like what I see in the mirror, no matter how much I don't like the feelings I have, no matter how hopeless I feel, the girl in the mirror was just looking back begging me to give her a chance, to give her a chance to make everything good again because she deserved it. And all I want is for my H to give us another chance but he won't and I know how painful it is to be rejected. So I'm giving her that chance, no matter how many tries it takes, she's going to make it.

Just like I feel my M shouldn't end without giving it my best shot, leaving no stone unturned, I feel my life shouldn't end without pouring my heart and soul into making it last for a very long time to come, and not stopping until happiness is achieved.

I know I have a lot of things going for me, I know I'm young. Every single day, someone says to me, you're young, get over it, move on. But being young doesnt make the pain any less bearable. Being young doesn't make it easier to move on, yes there are more opportunities but I have the same exact feelings as anyone else who is going through this. And being told I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me really just doesn't help. I understand everyone's only trying to help and to make me see the positives in my sitch and I am grateful for that, I truly am. But I'm just being honest, it just doesn't make me feel any better. It almost feels like you can't be young and in pain. My parents say this to me all the time. You're young, what do you know about pain and heartache?? Well, mom and dad, A LOT and much more than you think. When I was downstairs once, when H was here, and I was talking to my parents about how hurt I was, the first thing my mom did was say, "you hurt? I'M THE ONE THATS HURT. You don't know anything about pain." It's so frustrating.

After yesterday, I've reached a point where I have stopped caring. I don't know if this is a bad thing or a good thing. I have stopped caring about H. My anger towards him has clouded any good feelings I ever had/have for him. And right now, I just don't care. He can do whatever he wants, he can go wherever he wants. I'm done trying. I actually have no urges to contact him, no urge to see what he's up to, no desire to hear from him. As of right now, I really want to just shut myself out of his life. He's taken too much of my time as it is. I need to devote that time to myself and give myself that chance I promised.

But I still feel lost. Just like that, I went from doing all these projects and getting things done, to waking up today and not knowing what to do at all. I didn't even want to write in here but I thought it would be good just to get my feelings out. I really, really don't know what to do. I feel like the adorable old man in the Shawshank who was released from prison. That scene where he was alone in his apt not knowing what to do, having no one around, feeling so utterly lost, useless, hopelesss, purposeless. I cried when I watched that.

I know I need to just do anything but my energy levels and motivation have dropped to an alltime low. I'm just not caring for much right now. Hopefully this will pass soon.