We had the first mediation session regarding custody yesterday.
My W stated her goals of maintaining stability for the kids and minimal transitions during the week.
Initially, she proposed S-W with her and Th-F-S with me. I said this is not a 50% split and I don't have a weekend night free. (She thought since "I don't do anything" that I wouldn't mind. Ugh.)
I proposed the M-T and Th-F split and every other weekend with weekends starting on Friday morning, which basically means 5 days on 5 days off. My W didn't want to not be able to see the kids for 5 days in a row (which wouldn't need to be the case) and thought it lacked continuity for the school week. (She views her heavy involvement with the school as directly bearing on child care.)
My W then proposed that I could take the kids on Sunday and leave my Saturday open - and she would throw in the house. (OK, Monty) This would be a 4/3 split but with 4 transitions.
Mind you the house is a complicated issue. She wants to buy a "smaller" house in the part of town serviced by the school and they just don't come up every day.
Another house would also cost at least 300k. We would net something like 150k from the sale of our condo, which would then leave a 150k mortgage on the new house. This also presumes that all of the equity from the condo would be rolled into the purchase of a new house. Now this could be reconciled eventually by the sale of our house in Florida, which might yield around 250k in equity. There is also a sizeable mortage on the primary home, which should be applied equally too.
The other issue is logistics. The current condo lease is up at the end of this year and the lease on the house in Florida is up in May 2010.
Realistically, the condo will not be sold until at least January 2010 and the FL house much later.
So.. and this is really not my problem... my wife will not have any where to go for a good 6-7 months at least. This is assuming I can afford the cost of two separate houses and if I can't it will be much longer. Lately, she's really complaining about being in the basement - the resentment is consuming her. Of course, she parked herself there.
On custody, I am still pretty much camped at 50%, but it may mean an expensive court battle, in which some or all of this equity will be consumed. So I've got to get some counsel on this but I think my lawyer is on vacation.
At one point my W had stated that she really hadn't made up her mind regarding the D until july 1 when the exposure bomb detonated. I pointed out that prior to July 1 she was knee deep in an EA, talking about dating while living under the same roof, and that she told me before the EA bomb that she had pretty much decided on D. Plus her approach to MC was just exit strategy. So no thank you. That little fairy tale may be something you tell your friends and family but I'm not going to let it pass in this venue. Not much to say.
Cabbr
M:49, W:47 M:22,T:23 S9, S6 W probable MLC Bomb: 4/09 In-house separation and Separate bedrooms since 4/09 EA busted: 7/09 W filed: 7/09 Kids unaware of D filing
At one point my W had stated that she really hadn't made up her mind regarding the D until july 1 when the exposure bomb detonated. I pointed out that prior to July 1 she was knee deep in an EA, talking about dating while living under the same roof, and that she told me before the EA bomb that she had pretty much decided on D. Plus her approach to MC was just exit strategy. So no thank you. That little fairy tale may be something you tell your friends and family but I'm not going to let it pass in this venue. Not much to say.
BINGO -- well defended.
Your mediator should be able to suggest some other "50/50" type custody arrangements that are more traditional. I do think stability for the kids during the school week is a plus, but then again there isn't anything ABOUT your wife's current lifestyle or decision-making that exactly screams out "stable", either.
Custody - stay camped on 50/50. Period. Tell her, if anything, you want more custody, and you will not budge off of this.
Sale of the condo - wouldn't you get half of the 150K sale of the property? The house that she buys is NOT CABBR's problem. You take care of the family home - as you have - and let her struggle with her foxhole.
Give away NOTHING. Nothing. Give her reality - rescue her not at all.
This is not about being ugly or being an a$$ just to stick it to her. This is about CABBR doesn't want this D. CABBR wants to keep his family together, wants to have a new marriage with his W. So CABBR does nothing that works against those goals. AND AND AND - if Mrs. CABBR wants a new life on her own, she can have it but you won't help - with a house, with her sched, with her anything. She'll have to be a BIG GIRL and do what BIG GIRLS do - get off Daddy's dime and take care of themselves.
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
My kids are worth the fight and it will be costly. She says captiulating on the house is against all the advice she has been given. She says if I want to pursue a court resolution on custody she will go for everything she's entitled (love that word) to.
My W will see me as causing needless expense further damaging the family's finances. (Of course who did the damage in the first place.) She continues to exude confidence that she will get the house and a better custody arrangment than what she's offering. Our next session with the mediator is a couple of weeks away, so I've got some time to chew on this.
BTW, my W also emailed OM the day before, so there is still contact to some degree. She wanted to "drop some things off" as she was driving through presumably with our kids after an outing. He lives about an hour away. She signed it: "miss you"
She is beside herself about whether I am still gathering intel. Again wanted to know how I knew the things I did. I said it was irrelevant - the essential fact was that she was putting this relationship ahead of her marriage - and family.
Also at the end of the exchange regarding her working at the marriage prior to July 1, she said I'm not going to deal with your anger - just not going to do it. I said my anger? I haven't lost my temper once through this entire ordeal. I said she was the one who lost it on me.
And yes, I would net half of the condo equity. As far as getting off Daddy's dime, the reality is I will have to pay support and maintenance for maybe 5 years until she's established in a real job.
Cabbr
M:49, W:47 M:22,T:23 S9, S6 W probable MLC Bomb: 4/09 In-house separation and Separate bedrooms since 4/09 EA busted: 7/09 W filed: 7/09 Kids unaware of D filing
Coach was TOUGH in the legal arena with me and it FORCED me to face the realities of what I was doing/giving up/causing in terms of our family, children, home, future. Sure, I was going to make it on my own - but having to FIGHT him in COURT to do it really gave me a SERIOUS pause to conside in REAL TERMS what lie ahead and if I REALLY WANTED to do what I was trying to do.
Also, as a woman, it seriously offends me when a sister kicks up a dust storm about leaving her husband but wants HIM to enable it. If a woman has a good enough reason to leave a M (and there are some), then by God woman, do it. But don't expect H (or OM) to foot the bill. That's little girl behavior and it makes Women look silly.
So yeah - fired up.
Cheers ~~~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Give away NOTHING. Nothing. Give her reality - rescue her not at all.
This is not about being ugly or being an a$$ just to stick it to her. This is about CABBR doesn't want this D. CABBR wants to keep his family together, wants to have a new marriage with his W. So CABBR does nothing that works against those goals. AND AND AND - if Mrs. CABBR wants a new life on her own, she can have it but you won't help - with a house, with her sched, with her anything. She'll have to be a BIG GIRL and do what BIG GIRLS do - get off Daddy's dime and take care of themselves
This is just simply an awesome statement.
I have not gotten to this point but the W is pushing for a legal seperation to establish some sort of financial support. I keep throwing it back at her and tell her she need to own her WAW status.
Greek maybe you could look at my sitch.
M (46) W (45) S (17) D (14) D (6) T (20) M (17) Seperated 3/2009 . When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
What state are you in? Is it a "no-fault" state? To what extent is adultery/infidelity allowed to be used in determining custody arrangements?
I suspect that THIS:
Quote:
She says if I want to pursue a court resolution on custody she will go for everything she's entitled (love that word) to.
. . . is going to run smack-dab into THIS:
Quote:
She is beside herself about whether I am still gathering intel. Again wanted to know how I knew the things I did.
. . . in the context of THIS:
Quote:
go for everything she's entitled (love that word) to.
Not knowing what you have on her is going to be a HUGE source of concern for her, and perhaps rightfully so.
Puppy
Puppy,
It's a no fault state requiring a 6 month separation period that can be in house. A spouse can file prospectively, which is what mine is doing.
Unfortunately, adultery has no bearing on custody, but it can be somewhat determinitive in the distribution of assets. I'm not sure how. L is on vacation.
I'm not so sure my W is worried about the legal ramifications in this regard as much as whether or not she will have to worry about me "stalking" her in perpetuity. She actually voiced this concern at one point.
My W first met OM within one week of the initial bomb, and I have no proof of "adultery" per se - just some kind of relationship. but I have not shown my hand at all with respect to how I know what I know, which does seem to irritate her if nothing else.
Cabbr
M:49, W:47 M:22,T:23 S9, S6 W probable MLC Bomb: 4/09 In-house separation and Separate bedrooms since 4/09 EA busted: 7/09 W filed: 7/09 Kids unaware of D filing
- read it, digest it, remember it.