Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[Dia]

I could be projecting from my sitch to yours but if you automatically assumed (mind read) that her being on the computer meant she was avoiding you/ didn't want to spend time with you/was rejecting you - you may well have been wrong.

This was one of our bugaboos - we'd each do insulating activities to shield ourselves from the rejection of the other not wanting to be with us.... when really all we both wanted was to be together and be wanted. Big ol' narsty feedback loop.

[givingitmyall]

we'd each do insulating activities to shield ourselves from the rejection of the other not wanting to be with us.... when really all we both wanted was to be together and be wanted.

BINGO! My W and I do this.

That's why I suggested just try being in the room with her IWTW and see if she just happens to take a break from working on the computer to ask you something. If that happens, the question is irrelevant. She wants you to talk to her and listen. Just try it and see what happens.

[iwantittowork]

Thanks GIMA,

Yep, our TV is close to the computer, so essentially I did just what you said, when she finished on the computer was when she asked if I was going upstairs or she was, that she wasn't going to watch what I was watching.

I could have asked if she would have liked to watch something else, but didn't want to seem I was trying to stick around to be near her. Maybe she actually wanted that, but who knows? Maybe I could figure a way to frame a question like that so as to not seem to be pursuing?

[givingitmyall]

Maybe I could figure a way to frame a question like that so as to not seem to be pursuing?

"You know, I really am not that interested in this program. I am just going to read. Turn it to whatever you want to watch." Then pick up something to read, even if she goes upstairs.

[iwantittowork]

So this am I am exhausted from working through most of the night, and only had couple hours sleep. Went in to work about an hour late, and when I got out of shower W is on the bed watching tv.

She asks what was the matter, and if I am going to work. I reply yeh, I am going to work, and I am just exhausted from being up most of the night. She extends the conversation a bit, by saying she needs to wake up d8 to get ready to go do some house sitting chores for a friend of hers while they are away on vaca. I took this opportunity to ask her some questions on it, and keep the conversation going. We talk about there upcoming day for about 10 minutes, she's pleasant and in a good mood about it. I then end the conversation to get ready to go to work and head downstairs.

About 5 minutes later, she comes downstairs as well as I am getting ready for work, so I extended the conversation again, an then we discussed an upcoming event we had been invited to, a family baby shower for my best friend and his girlfriend. I ask if we are attending together, and she said sure, if you can stand to be around me for that long.

I said of course I can, but she mentions that I have been hostile to her through this whole last few months, especially about her breast enhancement. I said yes, I had been, and that I had apologized for that, and had not been that way for the last several weeks, which she agrees with.

Still somewhat cordial conversation, and I have to leave for work, I wish her and a good day, and have fun with d8. After heading out the door, she says something I don't hear, so I step back to screen door and ask, did you say something else? She says, yes, she said 'bye' so I said ok, bye and have a good day.

I am really tired today though, so don't want to think too much of that, but she initiated the first conversation and seemed to want to try and extend it with what d8 would be doing today, so going to take that as a small positive, but being so tired, I don't want to mess up either, so ended them both after a few moments of cordial conversations..

[givingitmyall]

That is good. Keep doing this, in a natural, unforced way, and just see what happens. Also, she may well pull back after a positive conversation, and that is common. Remember, she's hurting too and struggling with herself.

[iwantittowork]

Yep GIMA, I am keeping that in mind, I understand that she is hurting and struggling.

Interestingly, I think I have started to detach better as well, as I see before that I understood that she was hurting, and you want to try and help and fix it with her, but that just pushes her away.

However, I also wonder, if we can begin to have cordial and almost pleasant interaction, how do you re-spark that attraction she once had, if at all? I try not to think about this often, but it does come into my thought process. Maybe it can't be done, but darned if do want it too!

[mac-ct]

And i hear this big voice echoing through cyberspace ......

All together now.....

"This sitch didn't happen overnight and it won't end overnight" or something like that.

I can see it when barriers come down. Trust rebuilds. Love blossoms.

My greatest desires.

It'll happen.

You are a lot further down the long and winding road than I am. Lucky bugger.

Chin up

Mac

[iwantittowork]

I was thinking about something else this week.

Twice this week since my W bought her new car, she has asked me about who to go to get an remote car started installed. We have a friend that owns a car shop, but doesn't install those, and she has used that twice to try and 'ask' me about it.

However, she's trying to do this in a way she always has, rather than ask me for help straight up, or ask a direct questions it is always like: So, our friend doesn't install remote starters, I wonder who I can find to get that installed...

The old me would have jumped in and tried to take charge here, you know, you should go here, or call here, or get this one, etc, etc.

I have been taking a different approach this time, as she's not asking directly, just saying things like, Hmm, there's a few places out there, like best buy, some local shops, etc. Her response has been Well, I don't think I would want the guys at best buy working on my new car. I only replied Yeh, that's a consideration you have to look at..

I am not sure what she is fishing for, looking for me to take charge? Or just listen to her? At any rate, I figure she can figure this out on her own. I believe it's also the difference in the way men and women communicate. Odd that she's done that twice this week, and not done anything on her own to try and get it resolved...

[iwantittowork]

Well, last night was about as cool and uneventful as it could have been..

I was in the living room with W for a while, but she was reading while watching TV, and actually turned away from me on the couch while reading.

Didn't bother me. I enjoyed couple of tv shows and a cold beer, and commiserating with our poor dog that W had shaved for the summer weather yesterday.

We did have couple cordial discussions about dog, d8's day, couple chuckles along the way, etc. Nothing to intense, or cold shoulder'ish, that's for sure. I then went to bed before the end of one show and wished her a good night on my way to bed.