Cautiously Optimistic

[cat04]

Had a thoughtful post that disappeared, God help my computer, so I will try to remember what I had said.

Although we have all said don't lable this, I do believe your H is in crisis of some sort. Everything you wrote that he has said screams it and is in essence what so many of us have heard. If he simply wanted out, by now, he would have a plan, he would not be so concerned with being "fair". That does not mean that it won't happen, sometimes they really have to take drastic steps, so you probably should see what your options are, that may even help you to feel a little more secure about what may happen to you and the kids, but it does not sound like a done deal on his end by any means.

I know you feel like you have been marking time waiting for him to figure out what he is doing. You will continue to feel that way until you realize and accept that you do have a choice in this as well. No one, including H, can tell you what to do. You have to decide that within yourself. If you can be still, it will come to you. I think you are getting closer, but it isn't always about changing what is on the outside, behaviors, reactions, acting as if, eventually, it is about changing what is on the inside. That is when the changes become true, real, and for you. DB is such a great start because it give you the definition of the things you should do to improve you and your life, but until it is internalized, it is simply an act, a shield, a way to not fall apart under pressure.

Words hurt. The script hurts. It is confusing to be dragged into their confusion. But it give us a glimpse of what is going on inside of their head. Take steps that will help you to get out of the fear cycle that you are in. When they say the words, yes, they hurt, but they also induce fear because you don't know what is going to happen next. So if you know what your options are, and feel like you are not going to be left floating in the wind or going to end up on the street because he is going to do something crazy, that can ease the fear. Which in turn can allow you to look at the situation differently and then you can take whatever the next step is for you.

I would bet you don't feel H is a waste of time. I would bet that if you knew what you do now, although you might have done SOME things differently, that you would go back in time, and still include H in your life.

If I told you my story with H from day one, I promise that there would be many many points along the way that you would ask me, why did you stay? Why did you go through that? How come you are still married? With everything that happened before we even got M, people would say, and some have, why did you even marry him? I'm sure people have said the same thing to him about me. Our life has not been horrible by any means, when it is just H and son and I, we have been incredibly happy and secure. However, there have been many many instances over the years, involving each of our families (including more than one life threatening situation), that would make most people run and run fast. But in hindsight, even knowing that those events were going to happen, and could have turned out differently (we would be dead), I would still do it all over again. Not because I am glutton for punishment, but because I love H, I love son (wouldn't have this one without this H), and because it was our journey to take. My future will not be a repeat of our past. That was a difficult thing for me to discern. At one point, I felt like the only way I would ever be free of all of the craziness would be to D. But I have begun to realize that that is not the only option. D will not remove them from my life because of son, so there have to be other resolutions to that.

Time and patience allow us to see things from every angle. Keep that in mind.