New to this Community seeking advice

[VeronicaV]

Hi JR,

Checking in again...how are you today?

V.

[JR09]

Veronica,

Thanks for checking in. I am OK. I wish I could say I am doing great, but I am just OK. My mind drifts often towards my WAW and our children. The divorce that my W filed back in JAN 09 may be dismissed in the next 3 weeks because nothing has been done about it for the past 6 months. By now, my W has received a notice of the scheduled case dismissal. I understand she now has about 3 weeks to do something about the divorce or else it will be dismissed.

I am stressing about the fact that she may be emboldened by the notice of dismissal and do something about the divorce to make a point. I don't know. I should be stronger and rely on all my emotional gains for the past year of separation. But this morning(3:30 AM), I am stressed out about all the uncertainty and unknown.

I received a very nice email from my W last night telling me she has plans to go to school in the fall. First the email is unusual because I very rarely get emails from her in the past year. So I don't know what to make of it all. I keep reminding myself to apply the DB principle "don't believe a word she says..." after all, she's talked about going back to school after she left and hasn't done anything about it for the past year since she left...

In any case, I am thinking: so what if she goes to school in the fall? That's just fine, isn't it? I should actually rejoice in my W's initiative to also take care of herself...I am thinking aloud here...I need to refrain from mindreading and just refocus on myself whatever happens. But that thought of my W not coming back bothers me...if that's what's going to happen...see, I am already mindreading...Gotta stop it NOW. Gotta refocus. My mind is spinning with all kinds of thoughts. I have to stop it or else I'll go crazy today...

Thanks for checking in Veronica. I hope your day starts better than mine...

JR

[VeronicaV]

JR,

It's okay - try not to be too hard on yourself. Some days, all we are going to be is alright. Some days, all we are going to be is sad. So, as Carlos has said to me and many others here...be kind to yourself.

As for the mindreading, I know it is hard to stop that, but it helps when we can. I have learned in my experience that what I come up with is often wrong. I would suggest that you try to take it one step further and not even examine why she emailed you, just note that she did, accept it and keep going.

As for what she will do with the dismissal, well, you will know in time. I know that probably does not help much right now, but there is peace in accepting that some things are beyond one's control and just letting go of them.

I hope you find a bit of peace today...just remember that one ok day does not mean, in the grand scheme of things, that you are not doing well.

V.

[healthydad]

Hey JR,

I would say that Veronica is spot on...especially with what she said about the OK days...sometimes what we're learning through this process is how to have the energy to get through those days - and back to the great ones...since they will always come...even in the darkest of moments...the great days await.

As for your W's idea of going back to school - I imagine supporting her decision - letting her know that you support her decision - would be a good thing.

And I know that living in a state of limbo can be brutal...I lived in limbo for many months before I just came to accept the truths of my situation...(which is very different from yours, btw...my W was abusive and, well, threatening...so I had to get out in the end...to protect myself). Still, despite how different our states of limbo are - I think what we do with that time isn't all that different - in that it involves finding ourselves, focusing on ourselves in the healthiest of ways - and continuing to feel - not just analyze - but really feel the emotions and fears that have gotten in our way over the years.

Stay strong...and by strength I never mean holding back your tears...sometimes, when the pain and sadness and the confusion piles up enough...the best thing to do is find a safe place, sit down, and feel it...Doing so tends to bring a lot of clarity.

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos and Veronica,

Thanks for your insight and your continued support. After reading your replies, I realize that my stress can be alleviated by truly learning to let go: letting go of all the mindreading, letting go of all the energy wasted on the "what if" questions, letting go of focusing on the uncertainty.

The notion of truly "living in the moment" has to be the only way to endure our respective relationship situations. To live in the moment rechannels the focus on ourselves and truly taking care of ourselves emotionally, physically, spiritually.

I just need to do a better job at letting go and strenghtening my own foundation to withstand whatever comes my way, good or bad.

THANKS Carlos and Veronica. You have no idea how much I value your wisdom.

JR

[VeronicaV]

JR,

Glad to hear you are hanging in there. I do not think you need to do a better job of letting go - I think you are doing everything just fine.

Here is something that helps me...(are you a runner?) in any case, when I run any distance over three miles, I often catch myself tensing up all my muscles...it's seems to be a physical manifestation of my grit and determination to run the next three - four miles. The thing is...that never helps, always makes the run more arduous. Even though it seems counterintuitive, I force myself to relax my muscles while running...and it always gets a little easier...not easy, but easier. Have found this to be true of emotional runs, too.

V.

[MichelleLT]

Hey JR.

Saw your thread in newcomers and your military connection caught my eye. My STBXH and I are both Army. He is suffering from severe PTSD since his deployment which has been the main source of our problems IMHO.

It sounds like you are getting some great advice and, for the most part, handling things really great! We all have our down days. I still do, even more than 2 years after the bomb. We are all in good company lol.

[JR09]

Michelle

Thanks for posting. I'm in the Army as well. I've been working on my PTSD for the past year. I think I made a lot of progress. It required a lot of humility and accepting the fact that I needed help. It really took my W to leave for me to wake up and seek help. I'm still in counseling after one year of separation. It's been a lifesaver.

DBing helped me understand what I need to do to work on my marriage and hopefully reunite someday with my W. But as they say on this BB, whether my W ever returns or not, I am glad I am on the right track to be whole again.

I hope this finds you well LT. Keep charging. Hooah.

JR

[givingitmyall]

JR

Thanks for posting. I'm in the Army as well. I've been working on my PTSD for the past year.

Good. I really hope you keep getting better.

Thank you, and all other veterans, for your service. We simply do not do enough to show our appreciation for all of our veterans' sacrifices. It's very humbling to see what all of you do. Thanks.

[JR09]

Journaling....Just got off the phone chatting with my boys. It was great just talking with them, listening to them. I hate the fact that I can't see them daily, or weekly. I sometimes dread calling them for fear of being emotional on the phone when I hear their voices.

I usually call when I am upbeat and doing fine. When I am feeling down, I just put up a good front on the phone and focus on being positive at all times. That's one hard thing to do sometimes. The boys also do their best to stay positive. I can feel it in their voices.

My W was nice on the phone when I checked in to talk to her. She didn't mention anything about divorce...She is starting school this week. I complimented her on being accepted in her program and wished her well. Then I said goodbye. Don't know if that did anything, but I just wanted to tell her I was genuinely happy for her. I hope she took it that way.

Well, I'm feeling the loneliness this evening. I'm sure there are hundreds of us on this BB who are in the same situation. I should soldier up and refocus. But tonight it's a bit hard. I guess it's OK from time to time to be vulnerable and acknowledge the loneliness. Tomorrow is a new day. I'll do better tomorrow.

JR