back after 10 weeks of recovery and need some help

[steady]

W has stated only one thing…get some friends and go out more so she doesn’t feel guilty when she goes out or away.

Again this is about her. She isn't telling you to go out because it will benefit you, she's telling you straight up she wants you to do it for her benefit - so she won't feel guilt. You do what YOU want to do. If she brings it up again, maybe you want to say something like - "I'm doing the things I want to do. I'm not going to start doing things I don't want to do just to help you with your guilt. If you're feeling guilty it's something you need to take care of."

The key here is you have to deliver it without emotion. It has to be with the same attitude that you would deliver a weather report - matter of fact. If there's any emotions attached to it she wil feel it.

But worst of all to my wife I spied on her when we were going down divorce lane. I found out about her EA and it trying to move to a PA. She hates me for that. I own it, that boulder around my neck.

This is only a boulder around your neck because you have allowed her to thread it onto a chain and stick it over your head. You didn't trust her and rightly so - she was having an EA. Don't let her twist it into a situation where YOU did something wrong. You found out about an EA heading to a PA...so how are you at fault? Sure snooping isn't an honorable thing, but compared to an affair it's a non-item.

Don't own it.

You need to take a stand. She doesn't respect you. I think I would tell her that you two are not in a position to have her go to school right now because of the financial and logistical details. Now she's gonna get really pissed off, and interpret it as you controlling her. Just tell her if she can come up with a doable plan for her to pull it off then it won't be a problem. But she has to figure it out. Until then it aint gonna happen. Take a stand. But make sure it's because it's what is right and not in some way you trying to control or hurt her. She will get really pissed off at you, but at least internally she will respect you. And most of all - you will respect yourself.

The biggest thing you need to work on is this - DETACHING. When you get that down, a lot of these questions you are having will be answered by what bubbles up inside of you and a lot of them will just disappear.

Detaching is key in these sitch's. Easier said than done, but completely necessary.

She feels you hovering (pursuing), she feels you waiting to see if she says ILY (pursuing), and I'm sure if you take a hard look you are doing this a majority of the time with your actions, feelings and thoughts. This is all attachment and pursuing and it is very unattractive to a woman - because it's done out of a ground of neediness.

View your W as a storm. Constantly changing, in flux, high winds then calm, then pouring rain, a blast of cold air, clear skies, then cloudy again. Ever changing, minute by minute. She can't be pinned down - one second she has second thoughts, the next second she is sure of her decision, the next moment she cares, then next moment she doesn't.... etc...

Maybe some others can chime in here with some feedback. You don't need to take action today on the school issue. I gave you a suggestion, now take a good hard look at it and make sure it can't be done due to valid reasons. Maybe some feedback from other people will help clarify it for you.