Good points GIMA, and I am trying to do that more and more. I'll try and ask even less questions, and just observe while doing my own thing and doing what I want.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
OK. Not to help drive you crazy but there is a difference b/w detaching in a cold, withdrawn, uncaring way v. detaching in a loving manner. We basically shoot to become a very good listener - I have been amazed by the positive signs I have seen after conversations with my W where, unlike the past, I just listened and asked a few questions to allow her to talk more rather than trying to fix her problem.
So, you want to pull back in the sens that you do not pursue and do not worry about what you cannot control. You ARE still there for her to talk to and to be a sounding board IF SHE wants to talk. If she doesn't, no big deal b/c you got stuff to do.
Right, I am trying now not to jump start communication between us, and let her do the initiating.
Only happened in small doses last night, couple trivial things, but I tried to just listen, etc. Our feelings come through in the way we talk also, and now I am much better in control of my feelings, and feel like I am doing the loving detachment better that her talking with me even about those trivial things no longer includes her having her guard up. It seems like I can sense that in her when she does, have you found that as well?
Last night in discussing the show that she went to with d8 a bit, and the upcoming one in August, she seemed so like her normal old self without that wall between us.
Baby steps, just that little thing above, I am keeping as a positive for me..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Only happened in small doses last night, couple trivial things, but I tried to just listen, etc. Our feelings come through in the way we talk also, and now I am much better in control of my feelings, and feel like I am doing the loving detachment better that her talking with me even about those trivial things no longer includes her having her guard up. It seems like I can sense that in her when she does, have you found that as well?
Yes, I have noticed that as well. It starts out small, then gets bigger and bigger - kind of like a snowball rolling downhill. We just have to provide the platform for it to happen and then (the hard part) just LET it happen if it is going to. Don't be surprised if she pulls back, tehn comes back, then pulls back. She has a lot she is sorting through as well. Big struggle within herself.
The hardest thing I had to change at first was trying not to jump in to solve her problem (whatever it was (job, etc.). It is pretty much instinctual - I almost did it without thinking about it. ut, thankfully, I noticed it before I acted on it.
Well, W and d8 are not home, and I got home a little bit early tonight so I could spend more time with my daughter.
This is one of those db moments, when they get home, I have to not ask where they were, or wonder what they were doing. That's not that hard anymore, which I suppose is good.
I did get some good news, I think, at work today, and want to share it with SOMEone! Normally, I would talk to the W about it, but given the sitch, that's not a good idea..
Boss took me to a meeting today, and asked if I would consider a promotion to his role and manage the team, as he will be getting promoted to higher management role also.
I feel proud that something like that I have accomplished, and apprehensive as well, as that means more responsibility, stress, managing people now, etc, so I told him I was definitely interested, and would give it serious thought.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Well, W and D8 came home right after I wrote this above..
Man, W started talking about d8's art class they were at, and again, it was the old her.
Then, after I put d8 to bed, and started watching tv, out comes the cold/distant her, asking if I am watching tv downstairs. I thought that was obvious, but I say, yes, am I bothering you with it? She says no, she will just go upstairs and watch tv.
Ok, whatever, since the other tv is in our bedroom, and she is not sleeping in it, I elect to grab a beer and head upstairs to watch tv, and wish her a good night. (Note, I actually do wish her a good night, it's not sarcastic or anything...)
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I don't know what to make if anything of my W tonight.
She comes in to the bedroom late to get her pj's, while I am watching tv, and she seems irritated, but makes sure to not even look at me, nor speak to me, grabs her stuff, and heads for the door.
I make sure to just say 'good night' to her on the way out.
Who knows what is up with her.... Probably not worth wasting thoughts and energy trying to figure it out..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Well, W and D8 came home right after I wrote this above..
Man, W started talking about d8's art class they were at, and again, it was the old her.
Then, after I put d8 to bed, and started watching tv, out comes the cold/distant her, asking if I am watching tv downstairs. I thought that was obvious, but I say, yes, am I bothering you with it? She says no, she will just go upstairs and watch tv.
...to this:
Quote:
I don't know what to make if anything of my W tonight.
She comes in to the bedroom late to get her pj's, while I am watching tv, and she seems irritated, but makes sure to not even look at me, nor speak to me, grabs her stuff, and heads for the door.
I make sure to just say 'good night' to her on the way out.
Do you think maybe she wanted to talk with you tonight and you watching tv put her off? Just taking a stab here - not trying to be a smart a$$.
It sounds like your W came home in a good mood and talked about your D's art. That's good.
What did you do after that? Did you retreat away from her to the tv or something else? She might have thought she was opening up to you, then, in her eyes (remember it's HER perception that matters here)you rejected or withdrew from her.
Maybe next time you are getting a good vibe from her, leave the tv off and make yourself approachable to her by maybe just reading downstairs or where ever she is likely to go. A lot easier to put a book down than turn off the tv - at least she may think so.
Oh, and you know to stop worrying about wwhat she thinks.
Do you think maybe she wanted to talk with you tonight and you watching tv put her off? Just taking a stab here - not trying to be a smart a$$.
I did not think of that, but earlier when she was talking d8 came around, and that was what ended our conversation for the most part, as W went to computer and spent an hour or so on it, while I played with d8 for a while, and got her ready for bed. She was still on the computer doing something when I came back downstairs, and why I clicked on the TV, didn't want to interrupt her.
I'll keep looking for small signs though during these short exchanges to keep conversation flowing a bit better, if that makes sense?
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I'll keep looking for small signs though during these short exchanges to keep conversation flowing a bit better, if that makes sense?
Take your shots when the opportunity presents itself. Would it have surprised your W if you sat down in the room wher she was on the computer and read a book or magazine. Fine line here cuz you don't want it to seem like you are following here. In my house, we all just congregate in the great room/den b/c that's where the big tv is. So, it is not unusual for me to be in there even after we have the kids down for the night. If W is on her laptop, I will sit in there and pop my laptop open. Or I may read something. I may not even say anything to her. But, I make myself available if she wants to talk. If she doesn't, then I can always get up and leave.
Keep in mind, this isn't an every night thing. And it has to be natural.
Kids are a great topic to discuss b/c everyone loves to talk about their children. Ask open ended questions of your W to get her talking and keep her talking. And when she talks, listen and look her in the eyes.
Normally, I would talk to the W about it, but given the sitch, that's not a good idea..