Ok.....if I sound angry or harsh, I'm not. This is mostly to serve as a reminder to myself. That's why it may seem to come off that way.
First things first. If anyone on here ever catches me whining or complaining about my financial situation again like some 5 year old little girl who has just gotten her Barbie taken away.... PLEASE! BUST MY @SS UPSIDE THE HEAD AS HARD AS YOU CAN. I am living a dream right now compared to many. Not to mention that I am a wise, healthy, 32 year old man who can take care of himself and his children.
I have really had the opportunity to find out so much about myself in all of this. I have mentioned seeing a pattern as I move through this journey time and time again. When I start to question or struggle, I reach another point where change is called for. I have really begun to see this and the struggle has become less and less with time. I have learned to pray for clarity and each time I receive an answer exactly when I need it.
I feel I have reached a point where I am ok with this. I have had so much fun this summer and I have met even more amazing new friends. Yes there is more work to be done, but that NEVER ends. I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT I WILL BE FINE.
So the number one goal for me posting here has been met in a way. Like I said though, there is ALWAYS room for more growth.
Now comes the word of the day today. BONUS. My XW has shown some really positive signs. What does that mean? A great deal for her and a few positives for me as well as far as co-parenting goes. By bonus I aslo feel it means that maybe I may have a chance at reconcilliation. MAYBE...maybe not. That's the way a bonus works.
My family means everything to me. I still take my vows and my promise to God seriously. I have come way too far and worked way too hard not to stick around and be open to this bonus. What does that mean? Well, here is the way I see it.
I am not married and she is not my wife. For me to still act this way in any way shape or form and expect anything similar in return would make me crazier than ANY MLC'er who has ever been written about here.
She has been gone for a long time. I'm sure she is not exactly the same and I am nowhere near the same. Who the hell knows? I may not be interested in her anymore. She may seem like freakin nails on a chalkboard to me or I her. Time will tell.
I have to totally let go of all the sh*t that has happened otherwise this is a huge waste of time and energy. It all has to go now, EVERYTHING. Yes, she lied, cheated, acted and still may act wacky, boo F-ing hoo. I see this for what it is.... a SICKNESS. I am bigger and better, and if it were me who was sick, I would hope and pray that she would do the same as I. I am a big boy, no more acting like a cold standoffish teen when it comes to her. That is not true forgiveness.
Everything has to been given to God. I control only me, which may effect the outcome in ways but ultimately it's ALL HIM. HIS CHOICE, not mine. I trust in him no matter what.
Now my XW is "dating" someone right now. I have heard over and over, it's nothing serious, but it is an obstacle that is still perventing things from moving along which ever way they may go. My guard is still way up. IF she moves along in a positive direction with me, then I will act accordingly. She is leading this one.
Lastly... I never brag, but I am very proud of who I have become. I am thankful for this whole experience.
She has a choice to see her issue and their fake @SS shallow relationship for what it truly is. I can play NO part in this. Everything must come from her. All I can do is be the best person I can be and never stop getting better, period. I will do my best to show her this when she gives me the opportunity. I will continue to allow her to come to me.
If she still chooses to head the other way, so be it. She will be the one who will be missing out. I will be perfectly ok with this, because that is not the type of person I want to be with. If you believe, I am asking you to please pray for her.
So that is pretty much where I am at this point.
Bonus time, I shall see what happens while I continue moving ahead. I'm praying she will have her eyes opened to the possiblity of a wonderful brand new family and relationship.
Only God knows and it will happen exactly the way it should.
Goodnight everyone, I am off to talk to Jimbo, eat my ice cream from the Dairy Queen then head to bed. Oh and Mach, the answer is yes the Dairy Queen is still accepting applicants, so stop asking and hurry up and fill one out Queenie. I saw Ian's application, you got him covered.
