A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Thanks, Sandi and GIMA.

Ok, folks, on to another thorny issue. I have about two weeks before a decision has to be made about who the kidlet will live with and where he will go to school. Obviously, I would prefer that the kidlet lives with me even thought I'm open to very liberal visitation. The one area where H and I are still aways apart is parenting standards. While visiting, I have let H run the show and have not interfered even if I see something that bugs me, such as kidlet staying in/sleeping in the same set of clothes for 2-3 days at a time.

If kidlet is with me, there is much more structure and routine. Baths, brushing teeth, a regular bedtime, etc. I think it's ok to let him stay up late every now and then, and hey, I've spent the day in my jammies on occasion, too, but 3 days in the same clothes, staying up til 10 or 11 every night and no toothbrush is way beyond my tolerance.

H wants kidlet to live with him. Leaving aside the emotional suffering I'll go through not having my son with me, I think this is a bad idea because of the parenting stuff. The only way I would agree to it is if I was here in the house, too, because then I could ride herd on the hygiene issues myself.

Clearly, H and I need to discuss this, but I'm concerned about it because it will most likely turn into a relationship talk, and because I'm not so sure H is ready to hear that I'm not thrilled with his parenting.

Also, the papers that have already been filed give me full physical custody with joint legal. If I let kidlet live with H, I'm concerned that this undermines me legally and I have no clue what it does if H files. If I dismiss like I'd like to do and then H files, I may appear to be the abandoning spouse.

I could just insist that kidlet stays with me, and that if I don't have a job in time, then we don't move, end of discussion. Or I suppose we could move mid-year if a job comes in then.

Here are the alternatives as I see them - please give me your thoughts.

1) Kidlet and I stay down south. H gets the same ol visitation he's always had. Possibly, I cold come up for visitation weekends and we could maybe continue this DBing stuff. IMHO, this option will most likely lead to a completed divorce.

2) Kidlet moves in with H and I stay down south either permanently or until I find a job up here. Personally, I loathe this option, though maybe one of you can talk me into it.

3) Kidlet moves in with H and I get a tiny studio/1 bedroom apartment in H's town. I could do this on savings for maybe 6 months w/o a job.

4) Kidlet and I *both* move into a tiny 1 bed apartment up north. (Kid gets the bedroom, mom gets a futon.) Not sure I could afford 2 beds on savings w/o a guaranteed job.

5) Kidlet and I both move into H's house. H and I are roomates/in-house sep, limbo or... moving forward? This has the greatest chance of disrupting H's thing with the OW (eye roll) but may also present risks re: too much, too soon.

I *think* I'm leaning toward #4, but this is a huge risk given the job sitch.

Additionally, H wants to have the child support reduced. If we're married and working on it, maybe - especiallt if we're living in the same house. If we're proceeding toward divorce, so sorry, but that's cake-eating. Our papers say that in return for my not asking for spousal support, child support will never decrease.

What does anyone think?

Cheers,

Dia