T, I am a little concerned for you. I see you analyzing and spinning a bit. I hope you dont mind me saying it, but its because I care.
Go back to basics. Do what is best for you. Be positive and light. Show that you are moving forward because you really ARE, right?
Dont get bogged down in what she means, what it all means. Just continue to live your life because I fear that if she is peeking out, she might get scared back in if she feels any kind of pressure that you are thinking she wants back in. If that makes any sense.
Yes it make sense. She is not going to get any pressure from me. I know better than that at this point. I was laughing to myself those last two posts. It's just strange that's all. I'm not really trying to figure it out, but I couldn't help but noticed getting those questions about Saturday.
I'm not worried about tomorrow, in fact I look forward to just being able to communicate like somewhat normal people.
No worries, my guard is up, I will think before I speak, be concious of my actions and today I feel more confident with everything I have learned here.
Ok.....if I sound angry or harsh, I'm not. This is mostly to serve as a reminder to myself. That's why it may seem to come off that way.
First things first. If anyone on here ever catches me whining or complaining about my financial situation again like some 5 year old little girl who has just gotten her Barbie taken away.... PLEASE! BUST MY @SS UPSIDE THE HEAD AS HARD AS YOU CAN. I am living a dream right now compared to many. Not to mention that I am a wise, healthy, 32 year old man who can take care of himself and his children.
I have really had the opportunity to find out so much about myself in all of this. I have mentioned seeing a pattern as I move through this journey time and time again. When I start to question or struggle, I reach another point where change is called for. I have really begun to see this and the struggle has become less and less with time. I have learned to pray for clarity and each time I receive an answer exactly when I need it.
I feel I have reached a point where I am ok with this. I have had so much fun this summer and I have met even more amazing new friends. Yes there is more work to be done, but that NEVER ends. I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT I WILL BE FINE.
So the number one goal for me posting here has been met in a way. Like I said though, there is ALWAYS room for more growth.
Now comes the word of the day today. BONUS. My XW has shown some really positive signs. What does that mean? A great deal for her and a few positives for me as well as far as co-parenting goes. By bonus I aslo feel it means that maybe I may have a chance at reconcilliation. MAYBE...maybe not. That's the way a bonus works.
My family means everything to me. I still take my vows and my promise to God seriously. I have come way too far and worked way too hard not to stick around and be open to this bonus. What does that mean? Well, here is the way I see it.
I am not married and she is not my wife. For me to still act this way in any way shape or form and expect anything similar in return would make me crazier than ANY MLC'er who has ever been written about here.
She has been gone for a long time. I'm sure she is not exactly the same and I am nowhere near the same. Who the hell knows? I may not be interested in her anymore. She may seem like freakin nails on a chalkboard to me or I her. Time will tell.
I have to totally let go of all the sh*t that has happened otherwise this is a huge waste of time and energy. It all has to go now, EVERYTHING. Yes, she lied, cheated, acted and still may act wacky, boo F-ing hoo. I see this for what it is.... a SICKNESS. I am bigger and better, and if it were me who was sick, I would hope and pray that she would do the same as I. I am a big boy, no more acting like a cold standoffish teen when it comes to her. That is not true forgiveness.
Everything has to been given to God. I control only me, which may effect the outcome in ways but ultimately it's ALL HIM. HIS CHOICE, not mine. I trust in him no matter what.
Now my XW is "dating" someone right now. I have heard over and over, it's nothing serious, but it is an obstacle that is still perventing things from moving along which ever way they may go. My guard is still way up. IF she moves along in a positive direction with me, then I will act accordingly. She is leading this one.
Lastly... I never brag, but I am very proud of who I have become. I am thankful for this whole experience.
She has a choice to see her issue and their fake @SS shallow relationship for what it truly is. I can play NO part in this. Everything must come from her. All I can do is be the best person I can be and never stop getting better, period. I will do my best to show her this when she gives me the opportunity. I will continue to allow her to come to me.
If she still chooses to head the other way, so be it. She will be the one who will be missing out. I will be perfectly ok with this, because that is not the type of person I want to be with. If you believe, I am asking you to please pray for her.
So that is pretty much where I am at this point.
Bonus time, I shall see what happens while I continue moving ahead. I'm praying she will have her eyes opened to the possiblity of a wonderful brand new family and relationship.
Only God knows and it will happen exactly the way it should.
Goodnight everyone, I am off to talk to Jimbo, eat my ice cream from the Dairy Queen then head to bed. Oh and Mach, the answer is yes the Dairy Queen is still accepting applicants, so stop asking and hurry up and fill one out Queenie. I saw Ian's application, you got him covered.
I also want to say, that when you see your xw, be yourself. Be you, man. Not someone closed off, on guard or whatever. Just you.
Let her see the confident, loving, caring man you are. You are divorced. Really, what could happen?
It is always in His hands, always. That is what letting go is really all about. Leaving it with Him. It's also about letting go of the anger, the hurt and all the other stuff. Leave that with Him, too. He'll take it all. Because at the end of the day, holding on to all that serves no purpose. Forgiveness is really for us. It relieves us of a burden.
During the crisis, anger sometimes serves to propel us forward to change. It sometimes protects us and our hearts. But, now, it serves absolutely no purpose except to stand in your way.
This is a win-win situation for you right now if you really are of the right mindset. At the very least, it might be a beginning of a better relationship with the mother of your children. At most, it might be another chance. Either way, I know you will be ok.
So, see her with an open heart. Now, that doesnt mean that you should allow her to hurt it. But, be open to the possibilities that that allows.
And take it all for what it is. Try not to read into too much because then it becomes a burden.
As I pray for my h to find peace, I will pray that your xw finds her way.
It was your post yesterday that really made me stop and take a good look at where I am. I read it just before I went out to mow the lawn. While out there things became very clear.
I guess I shouldn't wait until the grass gets a foot tall next time huh? LOL!
Thanks for the prayers too, I will definitely do the same for you.
