1: to follow in order to overtake, capture, kill, or defeat 2: to find or employ measures to obtain or accomplish : seek (pursue a goal) 3: to proceed along (pursues a northern course) 4 a: to engage in (pursue a hobby) / b: to follow up or proceed with (pursue an argument) 5: to continue to afflict : haunt (was pursued by horrible memories)
To recap. WAW's divorce attorney, after hearing WAW tell The Story, urged her to make an appointment with Fabulous Marriage Counselor. By her own admission, WAW was very reluctant. But -- with no input (or even knowledge of) from me, made the appointment.
We went on Tuesday last.
I was darkly during the session. Very cautious. Very -- how does @Gypsy put it? -- "impeccable" in my words. Was this a divorce lawyer trick? Another gambit by WAW to make me "cooperative" on the alimony distribution?
It went better than I expected. This was WAW's show, so I let WAW run where she wanted to run. I'm in respond mode, not "offer up" mode.
From WAW everal invocations of "I want to get to know him again" and "I want a relationship with him -- don't know where it will go, but I do know it's something I want."
Fabulous MC#2 to SP: What are your goals?
Darkly Darkly. Idea's okay, but it requires new rules, new understandings, boundaries, etc.
We chatted for about half-an-hour after the session -- a 50-minute session, by the way, that ran 2 hours, WAW doing most of the talking. WAW: "I told a couple people I was doing this for the kids' sake." Okay. "But I'm not." Okay. Not sure I understand that. "This is for me." Ah, I see. Fair enough.
Fabulous MC#2 emailed WAW the next day -- was everything okay? She was worried we were fighting. WAW: No, was fine, we were talking, I was very happy about it. [WAW reported this convo to me, btw.]
WAW to Smiley's Person, yesterday (electrons): So?
SP to WAW: "So" what? Did I miss something?
WAW: So what did you think about Fabulous MC#2? I liked her a lot.
SP: I didn't dislike her. I don't have enough information to "like" her. She was certainly better than MC#1.
[You who have been following my misadventure all along may recall that, back in late Feb / early March MC#1 was a disaster for all the reasons MWD cites in her work. Add to that the fact that MC#1 was incredibly hostile towards WAW -- so much so that I wound up defending WAW to MC#1 and "breaking up" with MC#1 because it just made everything worse. It's only a slight exaggeration for effect to say that MC#1 essentially took the position after about 10 minutes of WAW's story of "are you stupid? why are you divorcing him?"]
WAW: Oh.
SP: "Oh" what?
WAW: So I guess you don't want to go back.
SP: Where did I say that in my email? I said I didn't have enough info to like her. I didn't say I don't want to see her. If she helps us communicate better then it's a good idea, full-stop.
WAW: But only for the kids, right?
SP: If I meant "only for the kids" I would have written "only for the kids." But no -- for me. And, I have heard you say, for you.
WAW: Okay, I'll make it.
So that was that, or so I thought.
But no. Darkly darkly.
After that, a couple more texts. She was hung up at work, couldn't get to the store to buy a birthday cake for The Boy's celebration at her house or the little token gift D6 was giving her big brother. Very upset. I'm a terrible mother! I s*ck at this!
No requests, just venting.
SP to WAW: I'm at kind of a natural stopping point in The Work That Won't Go Away. I can go to Big Box Retailer and get Token Gift. If you want, I'll stop at Local Bakery, get a cake, and put it in the fridge in your house. [FYI - WAW insisted I have a key and garage door opener in case of emergency when kids are there.]
WAW: I can't ask you to do that.
SP: You didn't ask -- I offered. The Boy is looking forward to this -- he talked about it last night.
WAW: You're sure it's not an interruption?
SP: It IS an interruption -- but a worthwhile one.
WAW: But you're not doing this for me, right?
SP: Absolutely, for the kids.
And so I did. An hour out of my day, The Boy was happy and that's what counts, and now WAW owes me.
Today. I was researching a new kitchen appliance -- the incumbent appliance, much needed for my work, died an inelegant death early this morning. 14 texts. 6 emails. All pleasant in tone. Invoked some old in-jokes a couple times. Invoked favorite romantic couple movie. "You're great for doing that yesterday." After I mentioned my new appliance search, "Oh! I need one too! Can you tell me which one they recommend?" And I do. "You're The Best for doing that!"
So. Now Smiley's Person isn't so bad. The Mouthpiece is handling the money thing, and I happen to know that the picture WAW's attorney painted for her is missing some colors that The Mouthpiece will fill in at $450/hour.
We agreed with Fabulous MC#2 that Money will be an off-limits topic in the sessions.
I had complained during one of my brief opportunities to speak in Session 1 that mutual FB friends had said WAW claimed to be in charge of The Boy's birthday and wasn't that sweet? To Fabulous MC#2 I said, "Really? My very existence now is so expendable that we'll just take credit for my parenting? And that's okay?"
WAW denied, denied, denied, said Friend is out of mind. She'd never do anything like that. "I'll check my FB page, but there's no way I took credit for what you're doing."
Today. Among the emails was this one. Subject Line: Apologies
Hmmmm. Apparently she did take credit for The Boy's Great Day. Doesn't know why. But that wasn't fair and she's sorry.
What happened to letting her initiate, express her needs?
After that, a couple more texts. She was hung up at work, couldn't get to the store to buy a birthday cake for The Boy's celebration at her house or the little token gift D6 was giving her big brother. Very upset. I'm a terrible mother! I s*ck at this!
No requests, just venting.
SP to WAW: I'm at kind of a natural stopping point in The Work That Won't Go Away. I can go to Big Box Retailer and get Token Gift. If you want, I'll stop at Local Bakery, get a cake, and put it in the fridge in your house. [FYI - WAW insisted I have a key and garage door opener in case of emergency when kids are there.]
WAW: I can't ask you to do that.
Why don't you let HER ask you? By saving the day, offering before she asks, doing her thinking for her you take away what she needs.. to learn how to ask for help. To reach out without getting an emotional handout.
About your son's birthday party.. was it a joint birthday party you two planned to have at her abode? What was she taking credit for that made you feel expendable? Here's a woman who consistently says she sucks as a mother. It sounds like all the pieces for the party fell into place. Why was it so important to pop her "I'm a good mommy" bubble? It doesn't make you less of a father if she feels more confident as a mother.
Why don't you let HER ask you? By saving the day, offering before she asks, doing her thinking for her you take away what she needs.. to learn how to ask for help. To reach out without getting an emotional handout.
Your point is well-taken. Let me violate the mind-reading rule. She wouldn't have asked. She might well have wanted to -- I can't say one way or the other -- but she would not have done so. In fact, she said this to Fabulous MC#2 on Tuesday: "I don't feel that I have the right to ask anything of him." Fabulous MC#2 asked me, "Is she correct?" to which I replied, "No, of course not. Doesn't mean I'll do everything she asks, but if there's a legitimate need we ought to be able to make the request." To which WAW declared, "Well that's nice, but no. I've done enough."
At some point -- perhaps -- she'll be confident enough to do so.
But the bottom line is that I wasn't going to let The Boy get disappointed -- and you have to know The Boy to know just how badly disappointed he would have been -- in the name of Divorce-Busting.
Quote:
was it a joint birthday party you two planned to have at her abode?
No, the "big" party was all me, at my house, with The Boy's friends. This was just a symbolic, "at Mom's house," observation of the day.
Quote:
Why was it so important to pop her "I'm a good mommy" bubble?
You're missing the point. I want her to be a good mother. But -- and maybe it's just because I'm still raw from the past 6 months -- not by taking credit, in the eyes of people who know me, for the things I do. To me that's just wrong. Okay, I was a sh*t as a husband. But no one, not even her most ardent supporter, denies my parenting skills. According to WAW herself, those were the first words out of her parent's mouth: "Oh, that's too bad, he's such a good Dad."
So tell the world I'm a piece of sh*t as a man. I wasn't there for you, I didn't satisfy you in bed, etc. Fine. I can handle it.
WAW got hung up at work yesterday and texted that she was picking The Girl-Child up at day camp, but right on the cusp of the last possible minute. I texted that I'd get The Boy, since his day-camp is only a 10-minute walk from the house [but a 20-minute drive from The Girl-Child's day camp, which would have been "overtime" and would have cost a $50 fine for picking up late].
Will pick them up at yr house.
Now it's getting late in the day. The Boy, especially, is ravenous by this time of day.
So. What to do? Texted back: Y not meet for dinner at Coffee Shop? Kids like, saves me trouble cooking 4 1.
WAW's instant response: Great!
Cool Coffee Shop is about 10 minutes from The Girl-Child's day camp, so it's a convenient place to meet, and both of the kids really like it.
So we had a friendy "family" dinner. It was okay. I asked WAW an open question about her work, which apparently has been "crazy" of late, and she filled in the next 20 minutes of potential conversation time, with Myself nodding sagely and uh-huh'ing and yes'ing and "that's too bad"ing and "good for you"ing and the like.
The kids seemed happy to have us both present "without any arguing yay!" (Now that's a kid exaggeration -- WAW and I have only argued 2 or 3 times, ever, in front of them, and those were during the in-house separation, but recent events always loom largest in our minds, kids especially.)
We parted company in the parking lot (kids are at mom's house this weekend). It was what it was, or so I thought. Just a friendy meeting of co-parents. Don't overthink it.
Today. E-WAWmail: I enjoyed having dinner with all of us last night. I don't know how you feel, but I hope that we can do that every now and again. There were times during dinner when I kind of forgot we were separated and that made me both happy and sad. It made me happy when we were all eating and it seemed "normal" and then sad when I remembered it's not.
To which I replied, "I know what you mean. I enjoyed it too."
