A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

First interview went well, but it was with a headhunter and not an interview for an actual job.

I could really use some reassurance that there will be some more good times with H, that this was a bump in the road, etc. Yes, I know that no one can guarantee that, but c'mon - LIE TO ME!!

Or maybe tell me some hopeful stories from your own experiences??

Thanks!

Dia

[Dia]

Help me out here, folks...

Why, after all of the very positive interactions this weekend, did the one wierd/negative one throw me for such a loop?

Has anyone else experienced this?

Off to my 2nd interview today.

[sandi2]

Dia, you give such excellent advice to others. But when I go read your thread it almost sounds like a different person behind the computer. Maybe that old saying of how we are too close to our own problems to see the answer is true.

Don't fret over the firt job interveiw b/c you would not want to work for a boss like that! It will all work together. Just believe in yourself and know that you can do whatever you set your mind about.

Oh, and remember that men love confident women!

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

Yes, your feelimgs are very common. Yes, I have experienced the same. I think they come about b/c we get on what we think is a roll of good things. So, when the stop (unexpectedly for us) the reality smacks us in the face. Its also a result of having expectations and not having patience. Oh, and it means you still care.

Those are the same things I have experienced. Don't dwell on the one or two negatives that came after a bunch of positives.

[Dia]

Thanks, Sandi and GIMA.

Ok, folks, on to another thorny issue. I have about two weeks before a decision has to be made about who the kidlet will live with and where he will go to school. Obviously, I would prefer that the kidlet lives with me even thought I'm open to very liberal visitation. The one area where H and I are still aways apart is parenting standards. While visiting, I have let H run the show and have not interfered even if I see something that bugs me, such as kidlet staying in/sleeping in the same set of clothes for 2-3 days at a time.

If kidlet is with me, there is much more structure and routine. Baths, brushing teeth, a regular bedtime, etc. I think it's ok to let him stay up late every now and then, and hey, I've spent the day in my jammies on occasion, too, but 3 days in the same clothes, staying up til 10 or 11 every night and no toothbrush is way beyond my tolerance.

H wants kidlet to live with him. Leaving aside the emotional suffering I'll go through not having my son with me, I think this is a bad idea because of the parenting stuff. The only way I would agree to it is if I was here in the house, too, because then I could ride herd on the hygiene issues myself.

Clearly, H and I need to discuss this, but I'm concerned about it because it will most likely turn into a relationship talk, and because I'm not so sure H is ready to hear that I'm not thrilled with his parenting.

Also, the papers that have already been filed give me full physical custody with joint legal. If I let kidlet live with H, I'm concerned that this undermines me legally and I have no clue what it does if H files. If I dismiss like I'd like to do and then H files, I may appear to be the abandoning spouse.

I could just insist that kidlet stays with me, and that if I don't have a job in time, then we don't move, end of discussion. Or I suppose we could move mid-year if a job comes in then.

Here are the alternatives as I see them - please give me your thoughts.

1) Kidlet and I stay down south. H gets the same ol visitation he's always had. Possibly, I cold come up for visitation weekends and we could maybe continue this DBing stuff. IMHO, this option will most likely lead to a completed divorce.

2) Kidlet moves in with H and I stay down south either permanently or until I find a job up here. Personally, I loathe this option, though maybe one of you can talk me into it.

3) Kidlet moves in with H and I get a tiny studio/1 bedroom apartment in H's town. I could do this on savings for maybe 6 months w/o a job.

4) Kidlet and I *both* move into a tiny 1 bed apartment up north. (Kid gets the bedroom, mom gets a futon.) Not sure I could afford 2 beds on savings w/o a guaranteed job.

5) Kidlet and I both move into H's house. H and I are roomates/in-house sep, limbo or... moving forward? This has the greatest chance of disrupting H's thing with the OW (eye roll) but may also present risks re: too much, too soon.

I *think* I'm leaning toward #4, but this is a huge risk given the job sitch.

Additionally, H wants to have the child support reduced. If we're married and working on it, maybe - especiallt if we're living in the same house. If we're proceeding toward divorce, so sorry, but that's cake-eating. Our papers say that in return for my not asking for spousal support, child support will never decrease.

What does anyone think?

Cheers,

Dia

[Dia]

Dia, you give such excellent advice to others. But when I go read your thread it almost sounds like a different person behind the computer. Maybe that old saying of how we are too close to our own problems to see the answer is true.

Don't fret over the firt job interveiw b/c you would not want to work for a boss like that! It will all work together. Just believe in yourself and know that you can do whatever you set your mind about.

Oh, and remember that men love confident women!

Ok.... I've been giving this some good thought and yes, I'm probably too close to my own sitch to see clearly. That's probably why I ask for help/advice even when it might seem obvious to others what I should or shouldn't do. Then again, being one of the Venus crowd, sometimes all I want is an ear and a kind word and asking here prevents me from going to H and being all needy.

If I'm in need of a 2x4, please apply it and I will try to listen better. Also, please remember that I've only read about half of the DR book and none of DB. I didn't bring them on the trip so as to prevent 'accidents' in H seeing them. Maybe the good advice on other threads is making me seem better/more knowledgable about this stuff than I really am?

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

Sandi gets right to the point, and she always seems to be dead on.

I completely identify with having difficulty being objective when dealing with your own sitch. By definition, you are an outsider and, therefore, objective, when looking at someone else's sitch. Your own...well, that's different b/c, well, that's ME. You are only human, and this is to be expected.

For someone who has only read half the book, you seem to get it very well. Just realize that as much as you understand, you will have down days and stumble every now and then. Remember, we are mere mortals.

The strength in all this, as I see it, is not in being perfect. Rather, it's in being able to keep going when all looks bleak.

Hang in there and keep going.

[Bravehardt]

Dia

I just finished reading your sitch. Wow !
You mentioned the IE is where you lived a while back. I'm wondering if we weren't neighbors at some point. SOCAL ?

[Dia]

I'm out in the desert, Brave. H is up on the coast north of LA - there was a soap opera named after it awhile back. We used to live in Riverside.

[Dia]

Re: Love-making and what worked before...

A certain smoldering look en passant.

Playfulness - childlike palyfulness even, like peeking at him shyly (on purpose) from around a corner.

A direct invitation.

Certain suggestive touches. Nothing too graphic, but a certain way of tracing the fingertips along his arm or the curve of his neck.

Definitely certain outfits.

A certain perfume or two.

Certain music - which is why I was making such a big deal about that CD.