Divorce not busted 2

[25yearsmlc]

Gee whiz Orich,

A friend asked me to look at your sitch a week or so ago, and I decided to read your whole thread first.
But Every time I take a few days to think of what to post, something happens to change my mind, (and in a good way!)

Your w is on a roller coaster that unfortunately, you have been dragged onto whether you wished to be or not. In some ways you can and must do all the detachment work possible but the reality is that if she acts on her emotions, it matters a heck of a lot to you and your life. IT's good that you not do or say anything that corners her into acting on those emotions. Now some of my feminists friends will slap me around for this (but since I have a helmet) but let me ask, is your w going through her change of life?

I am NOT summing up all of her emotions to that even if it's true. But it would explain a bit of the mood swings b/c she is conigtively aware of them.

Just before the birth of our 2nd child, I had heard stories of "baby blues" and post partum depression but didn't have any of that with our first, and figured it was "for other people." But sure enough, 4 or 5 days after our 2nd child was born, perfect and healthy, I became very weepy (I mean GRIEF stricken tears streaming down my face, and barely able to maintain an attiude with the other kids, and the baby) so I decided that it must be the job I had that I "discovered" I hated AND that h was "So unsupportive of me" and I called my mother and my sisters, and one said, "you think this MIGHT be hormonal?" (Thank God it was my sister and not my h who said this btw) but suddenly I remembered the whole "baby blues thing" and thought to myself, "Wow, THIS is what they mean...and I just have to stand in the doorway and wait for this weird hormonal storm to pass" ... I did tell my OB doctor who said to call if it got too weird or if it lasted more than a month ( I thought "A MONTH OF THIS???? ARE YOU INSANE????) and it took nearly 2 weeks to suddenly just kind of stop on its' own.

In some ways, it was actually fascinating to feel myself weep and know that there wasn't really a "good reason" although if you want there to be a reason for your sadness, you CAN find one, (or 7...)

Point is Your w seems cognitively aware that she is having mood swings and WANTS there to be a reason outside of herself...when you have a newborn you sort of have permission to act/feel so emotional, but when you are middle aged, you are supposed to have gotten a grip by now. Make sense? Nope, I don't think YOU get to ask her any of this b/c if I'm right, she'll want to slap your face, and if I'm wrong, she'll want to slap you twice. Sorry.

So your steadiness counts more than ever (though you are allowed to be "in a mood" too and why not share that with her??) but no matter what, show her your strength. I agree with others here who'd support her seeing a little of the "Officer Orich" now and then too. And is it just me, or does this IC seem a bit too fast to help your w move on? What's up with the IC for her? Is she at all pro-M or does she ascribe to the "well if you FEEL sad, there MUST be a reason and it MUST be HIM"....??

My h and I went to so many c's before finding one he liked. Granted, he wanted to move out on his own no matter what we all felt or said or thought so not a lot of c's are going to support him there, and thank God for THAT. But even so, I knew some of the mc's we saw almost immediately disliked him for 1) being male?? and 2) being a professional with more education than her? and or 3) just something about his authority look, he's an MD and there were a few times I could almost feel the hostility BEFORE our story came out. I don't know but I have to say, I also picked up on a few of the mc's attitude towards M and it seemed that if a word or communication exercise or 2 of theirs didn't fix the M, (as if, poof! all we needed was their secret!!) then they thought it should end in Div. Bye bye...

And in hindsight it was pretty ridiculous stuff at times. It'd be good for the PRE-cana maybe, but not the '2 decades later' m which are a tad more complex and when one spouse doesn't know if he/she loves the other....it needs a bit more then.

Thank God for the other mc's we have met and connected with. True blessings. Now if I were to call for an appt with a new mc, I would ask if they are "solution based" or if they know of MWD's approach, or even if they are just basically pro-M, and it does weed out a lot in the first 5 minutes of calling and it's a "free screening" of sorts...

Back to earth....So what about the anniversary dinner? Do you think it's a tad obvious to pick the same restaurant but if so, can you make it clear that you didn't pick it with the expectation that it will "work wonders/fix all"? ( I think you can.)
And as for ML, I wonder. The anniversary itself carries expectations but more than that, is it possible she'd like you to make a move? Initiate a bit? I don't know and others should chime in.

Let me ask you if you think she still feels attractive generally speaking? Is she working out and losing weight, changing her hair, or just staring at herself in the mirror feeling "frumpy"? Every woman needs to know she turns her h on. But I know it's complicated....so I'm just tossing that out.

And finally, what about Retrovaille?
Good luck Orich, you are in great hands here, especially His...
(( ))
j-