back after 10 weeks of recovery and need some help

[Doingitright]

You are right. I told W to go to school and I will watch the kids. The plan was for us to get out of debt once she graduated and got a job (100%) placement in her field right now from her school. Now it is not going to benefit all of the family only her. It just sucks, you know “the best laid plans".

I hate my job (been doing it 20 yrs) so the plan was I would quit when W was gainfully employed. I could then swap to another job that is waiting but I wouldn't have health benefits for 90 days. With plan A we had continuity of health coverage. With little ones and W & my health we need coverage for medications and regular specialist DR visits.

You are right about what do I want for me. That was what I wanted. Now I have to think it through a different way. I guess that is the rub. Now I am worried what kind of job I take. If I travel that could come back and bite me for custody battles. This just throws so much dust up in the air I cannot see clearly. I am a planner and list guy. Give me project plans or give me death. Give me a list to check off and I am happy. With this happening I cannot plan. And what plans I had just got balled up and now I am throwing them at the waste basket of life trying to get one more ounce of enjoyment out of them by making a basket. But the darn basket keeps moving. Even my analogies get side tracked.

I am worried about the kids and the finances if she pulls the trigger. She just doesn’t get it that our debit gets split 50/50. She won’t end up with enough coin to get a down payment on an apartment or even have a credit card. We end up upside down. And of course I get to pay child support and alimony so she makes out on that one. W gain is my loss.

I am trying to keep a positive outlook. But I went through this 3 months ago and got back on the M wagon for a 12 week ride. Now I am off the M wagon but it left me in the desert.

[The Wifey]

I was here two months ago. I was able to use what I learned here and bring back our marriage from the “D” train. W had EA but still to this day says it was never going to amount to anything. I lost my W’s trust shortly after we said we would try and fix things when she found out I used a PI and software to verify the EA.

Things got back on track quickly

I haven't even read the rest of your sitch and I can point out that there is no way to fix a M in 2 months. Things were better and you thought they were back on track.

They weren't. Now, right now, is when you really and truly need to learn to DB your butt off.

STOP telling us just what the W says or does. What do you do? HOW have you changed? What do you take ownership of?

These are important questions.

[Doingitright]

Points taken. I am really thankful for the thoughts. If it wasn't for these posts from others I would certainly be crazy. Others can see things that I cannot because I am too close to the sitch. This is where I am struggling.
ThingsI am doing to be a better me. I go running every week day (New). Work out every other(N). Doing chores around the house and not waiting for W(N). Clothes, dishes, beds, bathrooms, kids.
I do all the shopping every week, always have. Take care of all the bills and car stuff, always have. Make dinner whenever I can (1 or 2 times during work week) always have. Always do meals on weekends, always have.

Started cutting work off at work and not doing any at home (N). Only 4 times in 4 months at home. Cut back on my hours at work 9 to 5(N). Was working 65+ hrs every week with 1 or 2 all nighters at home each week. Cut back on my work travel as best I could. Started to de-clutter the house and get rid of my pack rat mentality (still working on this). I am more calm (N). My fuse is a lot longer but this is an area I need to continue to work on.

Got back to what I love doing - gardening and yard work. Planned time with my friends 3 times in 3 months. Got healthy, lost 54 lbs in 8 months(new). Started going to DR's to take care of my health problems. Had two possible run ins with the "C" word. One dismissed the second is under watch for the next few months. Shared my health issues with wife as soon as I was told. Used to hide them thinking she had enough worries to deal with. Started making plans to dump the job I hate and move to another one so I can be happier (plans scratched due to bomb)

What I still want to work on…spending more time with the kids in a different way than now. Started taking them to the park and playgrounds away from house. Want to do more of that. Started doing projects like putting together model with my S and crafts with my D. Trying to do things with each “special day” just with one like boys movie night in the basement and D and me go to lunch and museum, book store or library.

Everyone can improve no matter what. I am just not sure what else I can take on right now. W has stated only one thing…get some friends and go out more so she doesn’t feel guilty when she goes out or away. I am doing that this Friday and I am trying to schedule more over the next few weeks in between business trips. But I have limited time with what I am now doing around the house and I still have to work. I want to start reading books but I know that will suck up my time from other things right now.
What was successful for others? I know there is no golden key but what changes did you like the most (in yourself)?

[Doingitright]

I own being a jerk and at times mean for quite a few years of our marriage. No hitting or abuse. In most cases just arguments or avoiding them. I stopped going to church with my family and have since changed but I own that as well.

I put work first for quite some time thinking I would get ahead at work and make more money and that would transfer to the family being more happy. NOT. I didn't get more money in relation to the work put in. And the family suffered.

But worst of all to my wife I spied on her when we were going down divorce lane. I found out about her EA and it trying to move to a PA. She hates me for that. I own it, that boulder around my neck.

I own that history of which I cannot change. I can only change going forward and create better times now that will be better histories to look at later.

[Doingitright]

Dropped the rope. Last night was very light and the kids stayed close all night. W talked quite a bit last night. The most in 7 days. We covered all kinds of topics. No R talk.

[steady]

W has stated only one thing…get some friends and go out more so she doesn’t feel guilty when she goes out or away.

Again this is about her. She isn't telling you to go out because it will benefit you, she's telling you straight up she wants you to do it for her benefit - so she won't feel guilt. You do what YOU want to do. If she brings it up again, maybe you want to say something like - "I'm doing the things I want to do. I'm not going to start doing things I don't want to do just to help you with your guilt. If you're feeling guilty it's something you need to take care of."

The key here is you have to deliver it without emotion. It has to be with the same attitude that you would deliver a weather report - matter of fact. If there's any emotions attached to it she wil feel it.

But worst of all to my wife I spied on her when we were going down divorce lane. I found out about her EA and it trying to move to a PA. She hates me for that. I own it, that boulder around my neck.

This is only a boulder around your neck because you have allowed her to thread it onto a chain and stick it over your head. You didn't trust her and rightly so - she was having an EA. Don't let her twist it into a situation where YOU did something wrong. You found out about an EA heading to a PA...so how are you at fault? Sure snooping isn't an honorable thing, but compared to an affair it's a non-item.

Don't own it.

You need to take a stand. She doesn't respect you. I think I would tell her that you two are not in a position to have her go to school right now because of the financial and logistical details. Now she's gonna get really pissed off, and interpret it as you controlling her. Just tell her if she can come up with a doable plan for her to pull it off then it won't be a problem. But she has to figure it out. Until then it aint gonna happen. Take a stand. But make sure it's because it's what is right and not in some way you trying to control or hurt her. She will get really pissed off at you, but at least internally she will respect you. And most of all - you will respect yourself.

The biggest thing you need to work on is this - DETACHING. When you get that down, a lot of these questions you are having will be answered by what bubbles up inside of you and a lot of them will just disappear.

Detaching is key in these sitch's. Easier said than done, but completely necessary.

She feels you hovering (pursuing), she feels you waiting to see if she says ILY (pursuing), and I'm sure if you take a hard look you are doing this a majority of the time with your actions, feelings and thoughts. This is all attachment and pursuing and it is very unattractive to a woman - because it's done out of a ground of neediness.

View your W as a storm. Constantly changing, in flux, high winds then calm, then pouring rain, a blast of cold air, clear skies, then cloudy again. Ever changing, minute by minute. She can't be pinned down - one second she has second thoughts, the next second she is sure of her decision, the next moment she cares, then next moment she doesn't.... etc...

Maybe some others can chime in here with some feedback. You don't need to take action today on the school issue. I gave you a suggestion, now take a good hard look at it and make sure it can't be done due to valid reasons. Maybe some feedback from other people will help clarify it for you.

[iwantittowork]

Darn well said Steady.

62906 Steady reiterated exactly what I was trying to tell you. You need to lovingly detach here, and stop pursuing and waiting to react to what your W is doing.

Make a stand for yourself!

[Doingitright]

Steady thanks.
On 1...I stood my ground on the go out & friend thing at MC. Said I am not going to jam in things for me to do to just satisfy W's request. I have to want to do it, it has to feel right. W didn't like that at all.

On 2...thanks for the thoughts. Points of view are important to me right now. That was and has been the real sticking point with W. Saying what I did was just as bad as what she did. Which of course sets me off and the argument ensues. It is the main reason for the second bomb. We cant get past the "past". I keep bringing it up W says. Funny thing is I haven’t brought it up. I had to put it behind me or I couldn’t move forward with her on fixing the M. I would say to most people don’t do it. It put images in my head that took months to erase. It made sleeping near impossible and introduced a new level of distrust; every time W picked up her phone, every time w asked what time I was coming home, getting anxious when I am taking my time leaving for work or slinking away for 20 to 30 minutes at a time when the family was together. I struggled but I got back to a reasonable level of trust.

It has been a real mental struggle for me of late due to the school thing. I really want to see her do well for the family and herself. W has low self esteem right now. But I did it more for the money at the end of the tunnel of school. Positive thinking says cause W will still be around at that point and it will be a tremendous help financially to the family. Negative thinking says W wont be around so why should I do it. All that will be left at that point is a school bill I'll have to pay.

I am working hard at detaching. I did it 3 months ago. I just have to get to that mental state again. A 2x4 every once in a while is helpful. So thanks for the comments it really helps.

[iwantittowork]

I really want to see her do well for the family and herself.

I think this is where I stumble as well at times, it's ok to want her to do well for herself, but your still thinking of her as your 'Family' also.

She doesn't want to be part of the family right now, and that thinking leads her to view your actions as pursuing, neediness, etc, and against what your looking for, loving detachment, IMHO.

Thinking about what you want to do and what is good for you helps on the detachment side.

I noticed that when you begin to do this, it first starts as a subtle shift in your thoughts that have profound impact on your actions and what you 'feel' is right to what you 'know' is right for YOU.

I have only recently gotten to this point now, and still stumble over it at times, but keep at it!

Forgive yourself for those things that you 'own' that were problems. Own and acknowledge them yes, but do not let them settle you into a guilt reactive phase were your self esteem tumbles while you try and detach, as that just will not work.

[Doingitright]

Iwantit thanks. That is a good way to view it. The lovingly detach thing is tough with the kids around. Sometimes it looks like I am ignoring or disrespecting her. The kids are used to us sitting together or me giving hugs and kisses to all when I leave and when i get home from work. As well as saying ILY.

I think the waiting ILY sitch is I am no longer saying it. I say have a great one or something else when on the phone or leaving the house. I then hang up. I am not waiting for ILY as W put it. Before the bomb I called her on it and w said she was comfortable with where we were that she didn't have to say it every time we ended a call or left the company of each other.

My S called me on it yesterday. It made me very uncomfortable to try and explain so i chose to change the subject.