Actually he didn't say anything that he needed me to do TO ME. He asked me for space. He actually said he loved the changes I made for me but did admit he wants more time to make sure they are real. Understandable....so do I frankly.
And he's not MLC. I thought he was but upon further investigation, not so much. He's got MLC traits and a lot of WAS traits. Complicated, none the less.
So the birthday weekend was pretty damn good. He planned a great weekend for us and even took me on an impromptu trip to go gamble. We lost our butts, however, we had a ball. We had a couple of "bang ups". I knew he was lying to me about the kind of contact with OW. I called him out on it and there was an arguement. He again threatened me with D. I said "Do it. Call your lawyer tomorrow and get it over with. I will sign once I get everything I deserve...." He asked what does that mean? I said just start the process.
Later he's lovey dovey and I told him when we were both calm "I know you have something you still need to work through with OW. That's not my issue, my issue is you still lie to me about it all." He said he didn't but I guess he understood. I added "The more you tell me the truth, the more I can trust you and vice versa, the fewer questions there will be because it's going to be replaced with confidence." He seemed to understand that.
Last Friday, the morning of my birthday I went to get coffee with a woman who 6 years ago saved her marriage. Her H, a doctor had actually bought another house with his OW. Long story short, she ends up saving the marriage. She says her marriage is stronger now than ever before. So the fight, the anguish she says is worth it. You never forget, you just move forward. It was interesting. Inspiring even.
He's going out tonight. I'm nervous about it. He's off the next two days....so he's going out with some work buddies. Not sure why I'm nervous, but I am. Not TERRIBLY so, but still.
So here's something interesting. Last Friday I went to get coffee with a friend of a very good girlfrined. I'll call this friend of a friend Mallory. Mallory is married, almost 23 years now. She has three kids from 16 to 11. Her husband, I'll call John, is a doctor here in town. They live in a very nice neighborhood and Mallory does not work.
Six years ago John comes home and says "I'm not happy. I'm not sure what I want....no I don't know if I want a divorce, I think we just need to separate for now." But he doesn't move out. Things continue "as normal" and no one knows but the two of them how he's feeling. The kids have no idea.
One day, he goes out of town for the day. Mallory goes to his office and goes through his things....looking for clues. She finds documents that he's been traveling with a resident doctor that she's heard him talk about highly, and Mallory has meet this woman and her husband on a weekend convention out of town. What's more, she finds documents that he's actually bought another home about one mile from their current home.
She's flabbergasted.
She confronts him. And says "Since you have somewhere to go, go." And kicks him out.
They managed to save their marriage after about 6 or 8 months. She said the kids were a wreck while John was gone and were elated to learn he was coming home.
The OW went back to her husband, but Mallory isn't sure if they are still married, she hears that they are.
Mallory said her game plan was simple: She was always nice to him and fair. The one things she was steadfast on....he couldn't come to the house to see the kids unless it was his night. She wanted him to see what divorce would be like and the kids were pretty pissed at him so this was easier. She said if the kids had said "Please let us see Daddy" she would have let that happen. But they didn't.
She actually started dating someone else and that set John off. But at that point she truly thought all was over and lost. Oddly for her that helped to save the relationship and she said something expected here though....it helped to save the marriage because she believes because she dated someone else, it seemed to help with John's guilt.....sort of like "Ok, we're even, now we can work this out." Never would have thought of it that way, but it worked for them.
The best part is she said that her marriage is stronger nowt then ever before. Would she want to do that again....not really, BUT she does believe if it hadn't happened they would be roommates. Now there's appreciation and passion.
Alright, so H promised no more contact with OW, who is engaged now and just recently bought a house with the fiance in another town, where fiance lives and where she is from. Recently OW has started to contact H again and he says because she's a lost stupid kid who still needs his help in career decisions....they've been talking a lot more lately and she's got two interviews this weekend back home for her. He said he's talking to her to get rid of her, he "wants her ass gone and out of my life forever." I told him there's no real way he can help her and he has no hiring power or even knows anyone where she's interviewing. And the biggest problem is that she has a criminal record, DUI with disorderly contact. Also she and a friend stole a prescription drug pad from a doctor's office and got caught, so that's on there too. Once an possible employer runs her background, even if it's just the driving record, she's screwed......and hence she stays in my life. ARRGGGG.
He says he wants to be with me, but when things like this come up (his contact with OW) it makes it harder to be around each other. So my suggestion was Stop contact like you promised. He says "Let me do this my way.....you have to."
I asked him if he was looking for one last ho-rah with her and he said "Even if she wanted it, and I don't think she does, I don't."
I guess what this all boils down to is I'm having serious trust issues.
Yeah, well, cant say as I blame you. There is no need for him to have contact with her. I know you know that.
So, what is your boundary? State it simply to him. But, only make it if you can follow through with it. If not, he will know and cross it. And around and around you go.
I know she's leaving soon. Friends who work with them have confirmed she's got interviews and they just bought that house. And I'm sure she wants to go start her life there....or maybe she doesn't. She once told me that everyone who knows her well knows that she's torn between two men....her now fiance and her ex-boyfriend. She said she waiting for the grand gesture from the ex and never got it so she started dating this poor guy who has no idea what's about to hit him. I believe if ex called and said "Baby, don't do this" she would be thrilled and relieved and call it off. But ex wants nothing to do with her.....so any-hoo.
He said today he wants to be with me and that I have to let him "do this my way....just stay out of it.....I'm trying to get rid of her.....believe me I want her gone."
And I do believe that to a certain extent because she sits spitting distance from him at work. I used to work there, so I know. It's awkward to have to sit that close to each other I have to believe. I can be human and put myself in his shoes. BUT it's his fault.
