"I don't think it's any kind of 'old fashioned' urge to keep his wife subordinate to him or dependent upon him --> instead, I *suspect* that it may be the exact same complaint that wives often have when their husbands become overly absorbed with their careers. These guys become so absorbed in their work, that they stop investing time, effort, and energy into their relationship with their wives and children. Your man probably feels like you've pulled away from him, and that you no longer invest in the relationship as much. That is, that he's been swapped out of your number one slot in favor of something else, something newer. Note that this may be more of an EMOTIONAL response on his part, a feeling, and not so much based upon the facts --> despite being a modern male who will tell himself that he's being silly in thinking so, that feeling of being passed aside may still be there. He may even feel bit embarassed or ashamed about feeling 'jealous' over your job (he really *wants* to feel supportive instead), and therefore has used the 'cat fight' as a cover." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a great insight, Bagheera. It sounds exactly like the way he would think. (Do you do this for a living?) He is a very modern man, and he also is more aware of the emotional side of life than most men are (he's a Pisces, maybe that's it.) He has deep feelings, and I can easily imagine that he could be hurt and not able to fully express that to me.
As I think I said, I went away for a long weekend to visit my best friend from college, and I had another day off at home after that. I said to him, in the morning before returning to work, "You know, I could really use another day off." He lit up like a Xmas tree!
Today, a day later, he's still making happy sounds about that remark I made.
It's true that for a year now, I've made a determined effort to get home at a reasonable hour at least 3 nights out of 5. (One night I have yoga right after work, and another night it's my turn to work late.)
Last night I was late, but there was a good reason: one of my clients had a crisis. (I'm a social worker and I see people with really terrible problems.) I explained this to him when I got home, and emphasized to him that I no longer work late (un scheduled) just to do paperwork - only for something like this. He replied that this was fine and my staying late to help my client was kind, compassionate, and the right thing to do. And being very kind and compassionate himself, I could see that he understood this and would have done the same thing himself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bagheera:
"Great! He's shown you that he's more open than you may have thought to being approached by you sexually: take advantage of it! Men do absolutely love it when their woman initiates.
However, this does beg the question from me: how well does HE do at romancing and seducing *you* anymore? Has he continued The Chase of boy pursues girl with you (something women generally NEVER tire of), or has he fallen into the common male trap of figuring that now that he's caught the girl, his chasing days are over? BZzzzttt! Wrong answer if that's the case, and a lesson that you may have to teach him, with time." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What would be some ways I could do this? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jayce:
"When he says something about ML later, or this afternoon, or whatever, don't wait for him to go ahead with it, take him up on it right then. My H is the original Mr. 'Yeah, We Could'. I'd say something about we could fool around later, go in the hot tub, sit outside, stand on our heads & whistle Dixie in the middle of the street....and that was his answer. He'd then go about his usual day/evening, probably TV & falling asleep without following through. (he's pretty LD). Then say 'Well, you never mentioned it again.' So not his fault. Now when he says that I follow up right then. 'OK, when you're done cutting the grass, or after dinner? Right now?' Even better, 'OK, come get me when you're ready.' After all, he's not the one who has to worry about rejection.
So when your guy makes a similar kind of statement, go for it right then. An enthusiastic, fun, remark letting him know you're on it, ready right now, stripping on the spot or something that may sound outrageous to you, but will sure get your point across, 'Yes, I really DO want to, right now is fine!' Otherwise he can weasel out & blame it on your lukewarm response." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I like this idea. But how does it go along with some of the other ideas? LuckyGirl warned against making it seem like I only care about my own satisfaction. And everybody always warns women against "nagging." That's why I *haven't* been very aggressive about pursuing him. Like I said, I was raised by parents whose minds were stuck in the 1950s, when girls and women couldn't approach men, just say "yes" or "no" to the ones who approached them first. It's taking me much of my lifetime to overcome this, so how do I be more assertive w/o nagging?
And other posters, what do you think of Jayce's idea?
