You guys probably get tired of me repeating myself, but you seem to want to continue to think of your W being.....shall I say "normal"? Don't think of her like that b/c it only causes you a truck load of more hurt.
I would like to back up to something that was said.....I guess my Stuck. I suppose it didn't jump out to me until it was quoted in the last post. I may not be understanding the way it was meant, but want to make sure of something here. I don’t believe a WAW spends time at detaching. She doesn’t have to “work” at detaching like you have to work at detaching from her. The reason she is a WAW is a result of a very long time of hurt, anger, resentment and unfulfilled needs...but it is not b/c she spent time trying to detach. There wasn’t any work involved. As a LBH, you have to struggle being detached and it feels very far from normal…..but she did not have to work at it. Now, I do think she has to work at getting the attached feelings back for her H. Seems right opposite, doesn’t it? That may be where some confusion is coming for couples. I can tell you that a WAW does not have any desire to “work” at feeling in love for her H. Of courseshe wants in love feelings to just happen, b/c she desires to have all those romantic novel, heart racing experiences with a man. One reason she spends so much time fantasizing about somebody else’s grass being greener is b/c she stopped feeling that toward her H and felt empty and wanted to feel excited again.
That is one reason that it is so important to get the LBH to see how it is mostly up to him to do what he can to cause her to be attracted to him again. It is much harder than before you dated her and was trying to get her interested, isn’t it? Staying attached takes work……becoming detached happens when the work stops.
So, anyway, I hope I didn’t make it more muddy to understand….lol.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Stuck808, try and have fun in Hawaii! I have been once, it's such a beautiful place, try and focus on that and the kids and just enjoy yourself as much as possible.
Sandi2 - You describe above what I know to be true, and I have spent time thinking on. I know my W is detached, and does not want to work on R at all, she has said as much to me in the past, including 'You should never have to work on a R, it should just happen naturally' To some extent that's true, but I believe at times you DO need to work on them.
However, getting to know what will attract her back is the hard part, as I simply don't know, and asking directly is out of the question...
I suppose that's where you work on being a strong confident MAN comes in. I love reading your posts as they help give me insights I have not had before..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Okay, I'm off for 5 days going to the Big Island of Hawaii for a vacation with the wife and kids.
Pray that things go smoothly between me and the mrs.
See you all when I get back.
Best of luck!
I always wondered where people who live in Hawaii vacation......
Enjoy it!
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Our vacation was great. We ended up driving up to check out the volcano and overall my W had a good time. My kids absolutely loved it and was sorry to leave on Sunday. My W was PMS'ing a bit which made me anxious to see how she was going to be, but she seemed okay and wasn't bitchy or short-tempered.
One thing I noticed over the vacation and for the last couple of months is that my W really has no happy emotions. She just seems kind of there and doesn't take pleasure in alot of things. All throughout the vacation I tired flirting a bit, but she didn't bite and so I'm thinking of other ways to "attract" as Sandi suggested above.
She really doesn't seem to take much joy in anything. Could it be part of the MLC? I've heard from some who have posted here that in MLC, the person doesn't experience much joy and needs a shot of excitement (like an affair) for stimulation. So my next goal is to find activities that are more "stimulating" to get her more excited about life in general.
Any thoughts or suggestions?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Since you brought up the issue of attraction. Did your H do anything to "attract" you back? I know you mentioned that he had just backed off and gave you space, but was there anything more he did that maybe "sparked" your interest again?
I'm even reading "Light Her Fire" to get some very subtle ideas.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Been there done that. I had already attracted her back before that way. Now there's just an emotional emptiness in her that needs to be filled. When I figure out what that is, her attraction will remain.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
