Cautiously Optimistic

[Jimbo]

Ok so maybe I was misleading in my previous posts. He wasn't just discussing separation, he was discussing D & how to handle that. I just feel like what is the point? I would probably feel differently if he just wanted to separate & spend some time in another room or on his own...

Even IF your H were to carry through with a D, this changes nothing. Some people can only appreciate what they had after the fact. This may not be YOUR way, but it could be his. And since his journey is his, he has to find his own way.

My W is pursuing a D as we speak. No, I am NOT thrilled about it, but it is not my decision. What IS my decision, however, is that I choose to let her do what she feels she needs to do, because I know that, whatever happens, I will be OK.

If she comes back, I will be better off because she and I will both be better stronger people, and we will have a deeper R because she will be better able to participate from her new found strength in herself.

If she doesn't come back, then I am also better off because I have done the work on me, and I know that I am not "wasting" the rest of my life on someone who can neither fulfill my needs or appreciate what I have to offer.

A win-win any way you slice it.

I just feel like I have already wasted a year of my life w/this crap. I don't want to play all nicey nice while going thru D.

Please define what you mean by "wasted a year of my life".

If you are fooling yourself into thinking that you're working on yourself, when in actuality you're really just sitting around and marking time waiting for him to change while you make him your exclusive focus....then yes....you've wasted a year of your life. And you have no one to be angry at other than yourself.

Playing "nicey nice" is humbling. It can seem degrading.

It may also be the memory that lingers in his head long after the two of you are "over"....the memory that makes him remember just how good the two of you were when you were together.

The memory that helps to draw him back to you when the time is right....

I have already worked on me. Part of working on me is realizing that I will never be done working on me. I do feel at this point that I could walk away, look at myself in the mirror & know that I did everything I could to save the marriage.

Good for you! No regrets is a good thing.

I could thank him for what has happened. Do I want to be with someone who claims they were "acting" their way through the marriage? No - yes he finally grew some balls to say something about it, but no, they weren't big enough to work on the M for him. He's the one who's thrown in the towel.

...so what happens when, some years down the line, despite the fact that it's not on YOUR schedule (because it's his journey), he realizes he's been lying to everyone including himself, that he actually now KNOWS what he wants, that what he wants IS you, and that he's finally got all his $#!+ straightened out and can be there not only for himself, but for you, and actually wants to WORK on a relationship?

Too little too late, I guess. Too bad he didn't figure it all out sooner....and fit it into YOUR schedule.