I don't know how much notice you want to give H that you'll be moving. How do you anticipate he will react? Will he try to 'throw you out' when you tell him? H may make it a living he!l if you tell him too soon.
You may want to get your ducks in a row first. Are there things you will want from the house that H may try to keep from you? Since H threatened you before when he told you he made all the money and he gets everything, I would tread lightly. There's no rush in telling him, is there? Also, think about when you drop S off at college, would it be better if this was out in the open at that time or not?
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Excited and dreading- I scheduled two places to look at tomorrow, and seeing my IC. It should be an interesting day. I talked to my parents and my cousin about the situation this weekend, cousin is totally behind me, parents not too sure what to think. (Says Mom at first, "It's probably just a phase or a MLC, things will be better in a few years." "I don't think so, Mom." They are backing me even if they don't quite get it) I started making a checklist of everything that needs to be done before I go- there's quite a bit to do.
Journaling again- Sometimes, something just seems kinda wrong with this whole moving out thing, and I'm not sure what it is. Things are relatively quiet and normal at the moment, and it gets easy for me to put the whole situation out of my mind- I've gotten qite good at that over the years. Take that back- I do know what it is. The illusion of a normal marriage kicks in and feels real. It's not like we're having daily battles about the issues, it's more like monthly. I do know that I have to break this status quo, it's not acceptable anymore, never was. It's just easier to plow forward with it when the pain is fresh.
I do realize, however, even when it's quiet, that the situation has not gone away- he is checking the swinger profiles daily, and forwarded to me a couple of emails that were received this week. (Sorry, not interested in the proposed foursome or the guy from downstate...) It seems like he's in denial about how I feel about the swinging issue, like it's just on hold, and i will come back to it. I'm gonna have to be more forceful about that next time we talk. I don't want to push it now, it will just infuriate him. I'm waiting until I tell him that I'm leaving. (OK, yes, I'm a coward...)
Things are relatively quiet and normal at the moment, and it gets easy for me to put the whole situation out of my mind- I've gotten qite good at that over the years. Take that back- I do know what it is. The illusion of a normal marriage kicks in and feels real.
It's good that you realize it's only an illusion.
I do realize, however, even when it's quiet, that the situation has not gone away- he is checking the swinger profiles daily, and forwarded to me a couple of emails that were received this week. (Sorry, not interested in the proposed foursome or the guy from downstate...) /
Ummmm, THIS behavior is not in any way acceptable in a "normal" marriage. So, how is there even an illusion
It seems like he's in denial about how I feel about the swinging issue, like it's just on hold, and i will come back to it. I'm gonna have to be more forceful about that next time we talk. I don't want to push it now, it will just infuriate him. I'm waiting until I tell him that I'm leaving. (OK, yes, I'm a coward...)
You are not a coward -- you have to know your timeline. I don't know if he's in denial about how you feel, or if he just plain doesn't care.
I do realize, however, even when it's quiet, that the situation has not gone away- he is checking the swinger profiles daily, and forwarded to me a couple of emails that were received this week. (Sorry, not interested in the proposed foursome or the guy from downstate...) /
Ummmm, THIS behavior is not in any way acceptable in a "normal" marriage. So, how is there even an illusion
Well, at the moment he's not telling me how insecure I am and that I need medication...
I guess I mean it's not a constant battle going on in the house
SB, I feel so bad for you. You are in a terrible situation and I am wondering if it wouldn't be best for you to just leave now, stay with your folks or a friend till you get your place and then go back for your things. You can say that you just need time to think about things. Then, get someone to go with you for moral support to go and move your stuff.
If not, I would begin to answer emails to start a paper trail showing that you VERY STRONGLY REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS LIFESTYLE ANY LONGER! Write in them that you always hated it and regret ever going along to get along with your h. I think you must do this now because you will be viewed by the court as a willing participant. And you were. Unfortunately, nobody's hands are clean in this now.
State that you feel it was a very risky and unhealthy way to live and that it was bad for the kids. And if you think they don't know, think again. I don't know why parents think kids are stupid. I have a friend whose parents indulged in this and she and her brother knew. Kids know everything.
"No clean hands" That's exactly why it's so hard to be able to talk about this with anyone- I'm embarrassing myself in the process. And I'm hoping this doesn't even come up in court. Best case scenario- we agree on a separation agreement with nothing contested and file for a dissolution. Probably not realistic. Option two: file for a divorce citing irreconcilable differences-which it is.
When I see my IC tomorrow, one of the things I want to go over with her is my fear of confrontation with H regarding the profiles. I want to yank them from the websites, and I think I have access to do that. But like I said before, it will infuriate him, and I've never pushed him that hard before. His single male profile he can do with whatever he wants- I have no access to that one.
I'm also talking to her about the timelines I had planned and get her professional opinion. My thoughts were to get S18 squared away at college first, then take care of me. If I push H about the profiles, I may have to leave sooner than later. One thing for sure is I can't leave without having arrangements made re: D16 so he can't claim I abandoned her. Obviously, it's gonna have to be a 50/50 split, but at nearly 17, she's gonna have a lot of say over where she wants to be, and I will have a room for her at the new apartment.
Just watch out if you leave the house. You could lose it all by doing so. Your best bet is to convince to move out. In my state, the person who leaves the home can have abandonment papers files against them.
He won't do that- "he paid for it all", remember? Besides, I can't afford it myself, he sure can. My salary is only about 1/3 of his, (this is my first professional job since the kids were born and I've been at this place for 5 years). Also- and this is important- I need to get away from him. He's not changing his views on recreational sex and I'm afraid of getting sucked back into the lifestyle. I'm feeling strong enough to get away now, I have to use that strength while I can, because he is real good at breaking me down.
For your other point- he can only claim abdonment in a divorce if it goes on for a year or longer, I'll be filing myself WAY before then if we don't reconcile. The main concern is having access to get anything out of the house later. And I'm not doing anything without getting a legal opinion every step of the way. Luckily that's real easy for me to do
I completely understand. Your kids are old enough too that the abandonment is not as big of a concern. You do need away at whatever expense at this point with that volatile of a sitch.
SB, you have spent too much time feeling ashamed. Stop being embarrassed because you are doing the right thing now. Better late than never. I would bet that your h would not want this to get out either.
Just keep documenting and I would gather up any other evidence as well, magazines, ads, even h's profile info.
