I tend to agree. I don't believe in asking them on "dates" while they're in active affairs is appropriate -- at all.
Either way, your decisive moment came when she TOLD you where she was going, who she was going to be with, and what (by implication) they would be doing. And you did nothing.
From that point forward, she was emboldened to continue her affair, with your implicit approval, even if your words spoke otherwise.
Don't you think that keeping lines of communication open would be more helpful? I have to admit that I understand where both of you are coming from -- actions speak louder than words... I want to at least remain friends with her while she is going through this phase...however my actions then would be saying that I'm okay with what she is doing...
I wouldn't consider this a "phase." She's leaving/left you for another man.
Right now, as she's packing to join him, you don't have anything to lose. But honestly if you tell her you are taking a stand and she has disrespected you, she doesn't care, because she's already leaving.
But this IS about YOU now. This time, I gotta agree with the others. But you have to be calm about it. Push her further out the door. Tell her she's right. She really does need to leave because this is just unacceptable. Tell her if she leaves him, you're open to really working on the marriage. You care for her, but you agree this is best. AND DON'T FALTER.
Then you are going to do more than GAL, you are going to do a bit of work here as directed by these guys.
In this case, their advice is good DBing. It's the AFTER THE LAST RESORT technique.
Last edited by sgctxok; 07/31/0905:06 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I think helping her pack with the attitude suggested by sgctxok is a great idea.
And you have to consider the statistic here....they aren't going to make it. I think you need to put her butt out and consider if you would ever really take her back.
It's been a while since I posted. I wanted to provide an update. First off, I appreciate all the comments from everyone (non-sarcastic ones of course). I will admit that it has been really difficult for me with going dark, LRT, etc. ever since my W has been openly traveling with OM or moved out. Prior to the "openness of the affair" though, I have been following the advice of the DB coach. I did however finish packing the rest of her stuff.
Maybe it's my personality or it's because I'm scared (some might say a wimp), but I tried "going dark" (per recent conv w/DB coach) and couldn't do it. To me, it's manipulating my spouse by making her feel bad. I just don't have that kind of heart I guess. I do like most of the DB philosophy though. I know most of you will disagree, but I wanted to share that.
I only call my W at work in the morning to provide her with updates on my job and we do have some decent conversations. I met her for dinner last week and we practiced job interview questions (I was laid off of my job, but have an intv next week). We had a good time overall during dinner.
Yesterday evening, my W came over to pick up the rest of her stuff. She also said she wanted to talk. She sat down on the couch and wanted to know if I was okay financial-wise. I said yes. She said she will call the auto insurance co. and will start paying her share of the car insurance. I said that was fine. She also said if I needed any money, she would help. I said no thanks. She said I needed to order some checks to pay the monthly assessment fee (she used to pay it for us). Confidently and calmly I said that I took care of it -- the assessments will be auto deducted from my savings. I think she was surprised. She said oh good. She then said "This is really hard" and started crying. I then sat closer to her, but didn't say anything. She said, "I know the timing is bad -- I'm leaving you and you lost your job. I don't want you to lose the condo..." I said I won't and I'll be okay.
She continued to cry. After she stopped she said that she wants to move forward with the divorce. This was kind of expected. She was waiting for me to say something, so I said. I don't know what to say. She said she looked online and if we agree to everything we won't need to hire attorneys. I said this was happening very fast and I needed time to think. She said she already told her mom about it and she will be telling her dad and the rest of her family soon. I asked her to think about this and also "think" about talking to a therapist. She said she thinks about "us" every single day. I told her that I've been talking to some therapists and learned quite a bit about myself. I said that I'm working on my relationship skills and prefer to end up with her, but if not I would be improving myself for my next R. She said okay that's good.
A little later she gave me her set of keys. She then removed her engagement and wedding rings and gave them to me (totally unexpected). I said that she should keep them. She said they're mine. I then said that I gave her the ring with the intention that she would keep it forever. I said at least keep it until a later time or when things are finalized, whatever that might mean. She put them in her purse.
After we loaded her car, she said that she would keep me updated on the online divorce process. I said please think carefully before moving forward. She then hugged me and started crying. I couldn't help myself and started crying too. She hugged me for about a minute or more. She then asked if I was eating regularly -- I said yes. She felt my hips and ribs and said I was losing weight and started crying even more. She said that this was so sad, very sad. She went into her car, still crying and I said, "Take care, have a good night." She stayed in her car for about 3 minutes. After she started it I waved goodbye and she waved back.
Anyway, things are not looking good. I'm not sure what all the crying meant -- I'm still in a daze, but wanted to provide an update. As I mentioned before, I'm not as "strong" as some of the other ones here, but I believe I'm doing my best.
Me:41 W: 36 No Kids
EA&PA: JUL08-OCT08 & MAY09-fwd
W said we may not make it: JAN09 W said she doesn't want R: 5/8/09,6/5/09,7/19/09 Moved out: 7/31/09
