This is a tough question. I think I know how desparately you want to stop your W from going on this trip to meet OM. After you told me about OM's younger OW, I think your W will be more determined than ever to pursue him,b/c now it is more than just her fantansy "love" for OM, but it involves a competition to “win” this man from a woman who is younger than her, so she has a lot of ego at stake here. I’m really sorry to here about this younger woman b/c it makes “winning” important to your W. What both of us know, is that the OM probably has more than these two women on his string. When you described him to me, I figured that the only R’s he has is with women over the Internet.
I have tried to think about your stitch as if I were the WAW here. Apparently she has been so open about her EA and talked about her OM to the point of being brazen. To me, that is a form of showing disrespect…but then so is having an EA. Anyway, in her eyes your M is over and she thinks she is going to live happily ever after with that OM. You have said all you know to say except for the last part of not knowing how your M will survive if she gets pregnant or a STD. If you tell her this last part (in hopes that she will reconsider meeting with OM) I really do not believe it will stop her. These are my thoughts behind that reasoning:
1.In her mind, the M is over anyway, and she is moving on with a new chapter with OM. 2.If you tell her you aren’t sure if M will survive if she gets pregnant or STD…it is kind of like saying that you will take her back if she screws around a couple of times, but no more than that. That puts you in a disrespectful and unattractive position. Makes you look “needy”. I know you don’t mean to imply that you are giving your permission for her to have a PA as long as it’s just a few times and as long as she doesn’t get pregnant or STD, but it may sound that way to her ears. Remember, she is not thinking rationally so you can’t talk relationally to her and expect solid results. 3.I do not think anything you say is going to stop her now. Unless she has a spiritual awakening at the camp this week, I don’t believe any words from anyone will prevent her from meeting OM. She feels this is her “destiny”. She thinks this is her second chance at happiness. 4.She has no desire for a R with you and therefore she is not going to be influenced at what you say about your future with her. It is over, in her mind, so it won’t be important to her. She won’t be afraid or concerned. 5.This younger OW has put an entirely new light and intensity on the “battle” for OM. It is very important to your W that she can win this competition b/c she is the older woman here and what better ego boost (in her opinion) could she have than to think she won OM from a younger contender. 6.Your W feels “driven” to meet this OM. She is in so deep that she cannot “see” and she cannot “hear” anything her family says, so I really do not think an intervention would cause her to stop her A with OM. If anything, I believe she would think those in the intervention were her enemies and she may think she “has” to leave forever. Even if her children were to make threats that they would cut her out of their life, it “might” put off her trip for a while, or it may slow things down in the EA for a couple of weeks, but she would only resort to being more sneaky and concealing her contacts. When a woman is as mixed up as your W, she would choose OM over anyone…even her children. This is extremely hard to hear, but you have to keep reminding yourself that she isn’t the person you M and have loved all these years. She isn’t the “mother” she’s always been or she would not be able to do what she’s doing. 7.Even if the intervention was her Pastor meeting with her about her membership in the Church, it would cause her to make a visible decision and even though she stands to lose so much, I think she would still contact OM…either in August or later on. It is something that nobody understands how a woman could do what she does. How could she give up everything for that sorry excuse for a man? It isn’t “him”, the person; as much as it is the fantasy she has built in her mind. That OM is nothing like her fantasy, but she has not seen it for herself. That is what you have to decide if you can risk with her going to see him. Will that get her eyes open to the truth? But now that I know about this younger OW, it makes things worse…as far as your W getting her eyes open. However, maybe the OM will dump your W and be ugly enough that it will shock her back into reality. I’m afraid that he will have sex with her, first, then dump her.
So, I have repeated a lot of things I have said before, but was trying to list the thoughts I had about it. After thinking this over, I believe that you saying absolutely NOTHING about the trip, OM, a possible PA, her parents, the anniversary……would have a stronger influence. If she comes back from camp and mentions OM or the trip in any way, I believe if you just keep your mouth closed and don’t react in any way…she will notice that quicker. Not responding in any fashion makes a very loud statement! Don’t act as if you are pouting, mad, jealous, or any other emotion. I would tell you to leave the room, only she would think you were mad or one of these other emotions. If you don’t show anything, then she will put more thought on wondering about it. Don’t fall into a trap of her “asking” you why you aren’t saying anything about her leaving on the trip, etc. Simply reply that she knows your feelings about “everything” and you aren’t going to continue to tell her again.
Big John, unless she has a huge turn around at the Church this week, then I think if there was ever a time for you to drop the rope and go on about your life for her to “see” that you don’t care what she does anymore…then this is the time to do it. You are worried about detaching. You’re concerned she thinks you’ve given up on the M. All LBH’s who are not truly detached think this way! Sweetie, you are not detached. You have tried, but you’ve not made it. Perhaps you appear detached to her…but I doubt seriously that you do b/c she knows you. She can read you like a book. All she has to do is look at your eyes and she knows you are dying inside. Can’t you see that it only makes it worse with you holding tightly on? I can read your fear in your post as it grows closer to the time for her to leave, and I believe she can see that fear in you. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to hide it! However, if you can at least pretend to drop the rope, then that will have a greater impact on her-- than you worrying that she thinks you’ve given up. You aren’t looking at it from the right angle. When a WAW thinks you no longer care what she does b/c you are going to live your life without her in it…then that gets her attention! You are afraid to believe that. You have been too afraid to do that b/c of your fear of losing her. I think you will be too afraid to do it now b/c you feel that you have to make some “last stand” for your M. Has anything you’ve done toward showing her your “stand for the M” worked yet? No, it hasn’t. I will not tell you that you MUST drop the rope or all is lost… b/c if she went on with the PA and things turned out badly, you would always believe it was due to dropping the rope instead of showing her that you still cared. To me, dropping the rope is a stnd for your self-respect. However, that is a decision you have to make for yourself.
Whatever you do, I will be here trying to support you. You know your W better than anyone. Just remember that she is not her normal self at this time and that is why you have to do abnormal things hoping to reach her.
All my prayers, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
