I'm not sure what to advice.. except, at this stage, I think its best you follow your heart and do what yuo feel is right for yuo and your sitch. Just go for it.. whats the worst that can happen? He says no and makes a lame excuse.. then you could say, fine, no worries! How about lunch next week and that cake?
As for what you said here... "I would doubt very much that ow knows of our relationship. Jody said to me that as he doesn't mention her to me, I could be pretty sure he wasn't mentioning me to her. He never talks about her to me she is never mentioned. He talks in 'I' not 'we'. She must know we have contact because of the house but I don't know the extent. I have a feeling that may serve me well in time though."
I have had some discussions with my bf, for me, but also, with you all in mind.
He told me that he never talked to ow about me. That she didnt really ask, but when she did, I got the strong impressoin that he basically, barely answered and ended the convo, didnt want to discuss me with her. I asked him about the (one) phonecall in 3 months at Christmas.. no ow didnt know about that. About my present he sent.. no, he didnt tell her (he then looked guilty) and did she know about hte one I sent him? No, he said he hid it. I said, that was sneaky ! He looked all like a naughty schoolboy and said, yes it was a bit wasnt it.. So basically, Jody was right (and my intuition).. that I had become the ow and she had no idea about our contact or what I meant to him, until he dumped her! (poor Helen hey).
So your intuition is probably right too. If that is the case, weekends COULD be tricky for him, as you are likely to be his secret and he wont be letting her know how much, if at all, contact you have.
This is of course all guesswork, but I just feel that he is likely not telling her at all.
On the point "should I step back?" - no. My wise old Mum said to me, after this long apart and him seeing someone else, you have to keep the golden threads alive between you. What did you used to connect over..music say, send him a link to something fab fron Glasto, or a funny review.. etc.. or invite him to see a band, say you are going anwyay.. but do it with no pressure, or expectation.
So for you too.. after all thats gone on and where you find yourselves, I think somehow, you have to keep up LIGHT and neutral contact. I did with my then ex and contact gradually increased until he questioned his R with ow and ultimately, dumped her. I know I am one of the lucky ones, but what do you have to lose by being a bit brave?? And I am AMAZED he texted you an apology, thats great!!
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Going on about this whole discussing Rs thing...I was reading something about rebound Rs. And one "sign" they listed was an unwillingness to talk about previous Rs, especially the one that had just / was just ending. It signals a lack of processing the ending of the R and a wall to their emotions.
So...if they aren't talking about us to the OW, that's really good actually!
And when they start talking about the OW to us, like Ali is experiencing, that's great!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
(((Michelle, Ali))) That is really interesting and reassuring to me, thank you. Ali, thank you for such a thoughtful post, I really appreciate it. That info from bf is really interesting and insightful. It has helped me loads. And yes, I also agree with your Mum, backing off now is probably not helpful.
I have composed an email which I could send tomorrow lunchtime. What are your thoughts?
'Hiya
How's things? I'm just eating my sandwich and looking through the Proms programme and noticed the Pines of Rome is on on Thursday the 6th August at 7.30, do you fancy it? There is also some Rossini and Mendelssohn which look pretty good that evening too. Maybe, as the cake place is at South Ken, we could have cake after work, instead of fitting in lunch when you are still so new at your job and then wander up and queue for tickets.
pines of rome is the friggin' BOMB!!! I got to play it last year and got goosebumps all over at the end. I really hope you get to see that together!! But if he doesn't want to go for some reason I think you should just grab another friend and get Rossini and cake ANYWAY. You see what I mean?
I have two random thoughts about the email--one is, is there any chance he would look at this as "julia's trying to turn this into a longer event than I wanted, by doing cake + concert when I am only up for cake?" Or, total opposite, what if he really wants to see you on two occasions, the cake occasion & the concert occaision, and this would be depriving him of julia time? also I don't think you need to justify the plan TWICE (the cake place is close to south ken AND he is new at his work). It's like you're trying too hard.
OK, come to think of it, here's a possible rewrite, though you'll probably need to re-work it to make it sound less American:
Hiya!
How's things? Hey, I noticed the Pines of Rome (!!!!!!!!!) is on the proms program for Thursday the 6th August at 7.30, along with some good Rossini and Mendelssohn. How about grabbing cake after work at the place at South Ken and then queing for tickets?
Julia
???????
also
just two quick quick thoughts -- I am so excited that you'd want to try a yoga styles exchange! Anusara is like, you can start wherever you are. There are people in class who are young, old, stiff guys who need to work on flexibility, flexible ladies who need to work on strength, skinny people, round people, everyone. So I am SURE you could handle it!! It is like, challenging, but you can start wherever you're at, and keep challenging yourself for the rest of your life, joyfully!
Also, I feel relieved to hear from Jody via you that the hardest thing is going from stage 1 reducing anger to stage 2 friendship. What a relief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Something hard is behind me!!!
Thank you for wondering about me. There have been some interesting baby steps in my sitch, I should start a new thread soon. I talked to B last night for almost 2 hours about my future, etc, he was very supportive. More later...
Let us know how it goes with the email!! And the rossini and cake !! LOVE T
How's things? I'm just eating my sandwich and looking through the Proms programme and noticed the Pines of Rome is on on Thursday the 6th August at 7.30 along with some Rossini and Mendelssohn which look pretty good. Maybe, as the cake place is at South Ken, we could have cake after work and then wander up and queue for tickets.
What do you reckon?"
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Thank you so much for getting my back and for your support. I took what you said on board, adjusted the email and mustered up the courage and have sent it. If he declines it is his loss. I'll go anyway. It is a risk but if I don't try, I'll never know!
T - I can't wait to hear your update - 2 hours, wow!!! So exciting! I'm going to look up the yoga and see if there are any classes round my way.
Didn't have time to post before but I like the email and will wait to see wha response you get.
I did this with a Rothko exhibition at Tate mod earlier on in the year. Got a no (sorry but true) so went anyway. I think it's important to do that otherwise your H will just think you are trying to hard or to manipulate him.
We have to tread so carefully it drives me mad sometimes.
Jody's comments are good - I'm still trying to get to friends - I think I've got there and then he withdraws again. Perhaps I need to watch more closely.
Good job, Julia!!! Very excited that you might be trying anusara!! I know there are some anusara teachers in london, just a question of finding out whether or not they are close to you!
