Reconciliation after divorce

[Sanderika]

Hi there bonnyh,

As you can see from my signature, I have been at this a very long time. I didn't find this BB until I was in the sitch for almost 3 years.

After reading your thread, I see things in your sitch that I have already experienced.

We have been married roughly the same amount of time.

Your 4 children are all grown up now, my son is 13. The fact that your H does not need to see you to see them does eliminate a lot of possibilities for contact. I am grateful that my son is still young enough to create a certain amount of contact. Although I believe that my H makes contact with us to see me and son doesn't still enter H thoughts too much.

My H when he left....he left. He fled. We own a business together and I worked in the office. I saw H almost everyday which made it easy for H to see my changes. It took me 4 months to literally go from panic when he left to a changed person. I have maintained the changes for so long now, it is now who I am. My H ousted me from my daily duties at our company about 18 months ago. He had no need to see me and still made it a point to see me, the longest he has ever gone without contact is 3 weeks. The whole time he said he watched me like a hawk. He noticed the changes and realized I am the person he fell in love with again. It's my changes the recreated our friendship and it's the fact that I greet and treat H everytime with kindness, friendship, compassion, love, respect, forgiveness, etc...that has rekindled our relationship this far.

The man went from hating me to now enjoying me. This is very difficult. Just because we appear to be working on it, doesn't mean it's working. This will probably be very heartbreaking before we are at the end of the road....either fully recommitted in the marriage again or deciding to end the marriage for good.

My H, like yours, found any and all reason to turn the table on me. I couldn't do anything right. He blamed me for all his troubles for a very long time, probably about 31 months. I realized early on this was a part of MLC in men. When my H would treat me this way I sat in silence, refusing to be a part of his game. By not feeding into it and defending myself H realized he wasn't getting what he wanted which was to make himself feel better. By blaming and downing us, it makes them feel better about themselves, it boosts their ego, it masks their guilt and shame and lies they tell, and in their delusional MLC mind believe they are making the right choices. All the while this is happening they are not happy with themselves, they are miserable. Eventually they do realize their own actions and mistakes, this takes a long time. Mine is at this point right now.

My H fled so fast and far that he never saw his son. From the age of 9-13 my son had a father but not a dad. My poor son would go 4 months without so much as a hello from his father. I stepped up and tried to fill the void for son. I never once told my H to man-up and contact this boy. I never once took son to see H. I never interferred with H and his stupid, misdirected selfishness. I let it be. To me these were H choices and I let him live them completely. I thought and kept thinking.....H will suffer the consequences of HIS actions one day. H choices are going to haunt him and the regret will be huge. I looked at it as not my problem. I took on the role of parent very seriously and raised my son. I take credit, H cannot. H just admitted that he made huge mistakes with son. He said his "Missing in Action" behavior towards son wasn't intended, it just happened that way and he is sorry. He wants to do more with him now. I just hope it isn't too late. Son has developed definite opinions regarding his father brought on by pure neglect and abandonment, all choices made by his father. I have taught son to treat H with respect regardless. So far son is behaving like the bigger person, I am proud of him. I worry one day son will let H have it though.

Sorry this is so long bonnyh, sometimes I just get started and I can't stop. I tend to be a long poster. I have a huge passion for the topic.

I have to go to work. Will chat with you later on...take care,

Sanderika