Firstly - the "money" thing has been put to bed two months ago.
I was under the impression that there were still issues regarding the money. Isn't that what some of the arguing is all about? I don't understand about you having to go to the police department to sign an "agreement" about paying her. Is this enforced by the law? Anyway, you are doing much talk for a man who has put to bed the money thing and I believe it is b/c you are very worried about it.
About blocking the messages.....was it your wife's messages you were blocking? If so, why?
Quote:
I just had to put my foot down in the only way I could. Draw a line in the sand.
Please explain what you did to set a boundary. I am having a hard time understanding. I am confused.
You are correct in not talking to her over dog biscuits b/c that is redicules when there are too many other things to worry over. I never think it is "cute" to fight with a spouse. Fighting is never a good thing. When couples are S, it is easy to find lots of faults with each other and hard to not get into an argument. When your W tries to argue, tell her you are not going to discuss it now. If she continues to argue, then say, "I am going to hang up now and we will talk another time...bye" and then hang up. Never be rude to your W but tell her you will not fight. Tell her good-bye and then disconnect, hang-up or lay phone down (however you say it...lol).
I wonder if you are mixed up about some of the DB principles b/c you seem to swing too far from one extreme to the other. I think you are working hard to do what different people suggest. You get very excited and mentally pumped up to make a firm stand....but I'm wondering if you fully comprehend some of the techniques or maybe it is that we are not explaining ourselves very well..... In no way am I trying to sound insulting to you, by saying this. I see you eager to do what is right, but do you understand how to do these techniques? If you have not received the DR book as of yet, then please do not make drastric actions until you can read the entire book. If you act to fast on something that is not the correct way, then you may do more harm than can be undone later. I am concerned about this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The issues about money is whether I go with my feelings the result being, what did you say in your last post?...
Originally Posted By: Sandi2
I believe I remember saying something to you at one time regarding the fact she had asked for a substantial increase in the financial support you were sending her. As I recall, I was not sure that you needed to send such a sudden increase without some explanation from her. I am not very keen on the LBH giving financial support to his WAW if she chose to leave him. Your wife does not children and she could work to support herself unless the expenses are above her ability to pay. That is something that a H must decide what he should do. Does he give his W money to enable her staying away from him? I am not certain I understand about your courts and how they order you to pay your W. If it is the law and you must give her money, then you need to follow what the court orders. Things are probably quite different where I live and where you live. We can’t do much other than what the law dictates.
The court can decide to award temporary maintenance with a lot of conditions attached. Length of payment. Amount that can be afforded etc. This is not part of a D settlement.
I believe my W (most likely prompted by the "friend") believed she could force me into signing an agreement agreeing payments on her terms. Trying to work out if panic is setting in with those two ladies. Please note that the amount has dropped again to R2500. I'm sure they think I'm very reluctant to go to court. In fact I would welcome it. All the finances laid out on the table. The realization that I'm actually telling the truth.
I'm getting very uncomfortable thinking that I am indeed prolonging this parting. I'm making it easy for my W. I'm not allowing her to see the realities resulting in her decision to leave.
This is not me talking about money all the time Sandi, it's my W. I'm just relating it here because people keep asking about it
The phone call following my W's initial SMS is where I put my foot down for the first and only time since this sitch started. I admit that how the boundary was set was not correct in any way. I just was not prepared for my W's unfounded accusations and just "reacted". My W knew that she struck a nerve. Up until that point we were both having a normal conversation. A conversation that I initiated after receiving the text demand. Not pursuing. As Wifey said
Originally Posted By: The Wifey
The texts are scary, mostly because you are discussing very serious and emotional things in brief bits. And some of them are just swipes at each other dripping in hostility.
How the heck can anyone be expected to make conversation in 160 characters or less? Not good. So they have stopped. As I took pains to mention - normal communications are wide open. Cell is on, landline is on, email is on. Just not sharp stabbing text messages. Sorry but no thank you. Far FAR to easy. Not any more. Not acceptable.
Please don't take my "cute" comment out of context. I agree with you if it was serious. The night that was said by our best mutual real friend was a wonderful night for all. Please cut me some slack and give me the benefit of the doubt. Typing out this stuff comes across so cut and dry. Another reason why both text messaging and e-mail really should be no-no's. I've committed to memory the last part of your paragraph. Noted and will be acted upon if the situation presents itself.
Which it will. In person. Tomorrow night. The pizza restaurant which has been rebuilt is the haunt (such an apt word in this context) of the "friend". It's being reopened tomorrow night. I've been invited. I'm going. And they will be there.
You have no idea HOW confusing it is to read all these threads and digest the wealth of information here. It's nearly an overload of stuff but so disorganized (for obvious reasons). Sandi - I'll be ordering the books tomorrow IF my salary hits my bank account.
I promise you that I'm mostly on top of the world. I'm managing to manage myself far far better than I used to. Just have the odd lapse is all which are getting fewer and fewer. I'll get there. I am getting there.
Sandi - I'll never be insulted by anything you wish to share with me. Or with anyone else. I understand that you have my best interests at heart. And my W's and our M.
I'll slow down and think before my knee jerks me in the wrong direction. As I say my mind is working so much better and is improving in leaps and bounds now that I see some sort of direction. All thanks to you lot.
Any advice on tomorrow would be greatly appreciated.
And now ....... z's - been a looooongggg day on the range.
I am going to be my new normal confident self. I am going over and saying hello to the pair of them. I am going to apologize for the "outburst". I am going to compliment her on how she now looks. I am not going to be drawn into discussions about support. I am going to enjoy myself with the rest of my friends. I will leave early rather than later after a polite goodnight all.
Please cut me some slack and give me the benefit of the doubt.
I do give you the benefit of the doubt. As you said yourself that this stuff comes out hard & dry. I am trying to understand how you are meaning what you say, as I'm sure you are doing the same toward me.
Take care.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Said that she saw W and "friend" at another pub last night. Didn't get a chance to speak to her because of W being surrounded by a crowd of undesirables. Cronies of "friend".
The good news (is that a sick thing to say) is that she didn't look happy at all.
Good sign? Not quite as rosy a life as W thought? Bad sign? Pee'd off with me because I'm not initiating any conversations or helping her as she would have expected.
Owwww - this hurts guys. You have no idea how I feel for my W - she can't even afford to replace her falling apart nickers - that really tugs on my heart
Oh - the reopening of the Pizza pub tonight is only for the chosen few.
"Friend" or W did not get the nod. So it'll be Friday now.
In no way am I trying to sound insulting to you, by saying this. I see you eager to do what is right, but do you understand how to do these techniques? If you have not received the DR book as of yet, then please do not make drastric actions until you can read the entire book. If you act to fast on something that is not the correct way, then you may do more harm than can be undone later. I am concerned about this.
