W is having Affair -- may leave soon -- thread 2

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I do see your point and others. It's a fine line -- kicking her out might push her further into the OM's arms, . . .

Um, dude: she's already in them.

Puppy

[SavingMyMarriage]

say nothing, for 30 days, go out, start to enjoy life.

maybe you should consider dating!
bet that would kill her.
--------------------------------

My goal is to reconcile not get back at her. I am very angry of course for what she did / is going, but I'm trying to control my emotions.

So far I haven't spoken about her packing the boxes. I'm waiting for her to initiate the conversation. I think she will probably move out this week (not sure if she is taking off of work or what). I also have no idea where she is moving (to OM's or to an apartment)? I did notice that the boxes are from the OM's house (his name is on them!). He must've given them to her! It's very upseting! I've been good about not contacting him since I know him (I used to work with him), but part of me wants to tell him to stay away...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So far I haven't spoken about her packing the boxes. I'm waiting for her to initiate the conversation.

It seems to me that you've pretty much waited for her to initiate EVERYTHING.

You're sitting by passively while your wife leaves you. Confront her or ignore her and GAL, BUT FOR GOD'S SAKES, DO SOMETHING!!!

[SavingMyMarriage]

Puppy, yes, I'm not saying anything about her packing. I tried the conversation thing a couple of wks ago (not really begging, but I was asking questions and making statements that I thought would help -- they obviously didn't) and that didn't work.

I guess I'm asking for advice here. I'm still talking to her (a little), but not about what she's doing at the moment. Won't confronting her make matters worse? If you think confronting is what's needed, what should one say from your persective?

[Steve McQueen]

My goal is to reconcile not get back at her. I am very angry of course for what she did / is going, but I'm trying to control my emotions.

I am not recommending you run her over with your truck. Rather, DEMAND a little respect. And show her you are not willing to share her with another man. From your first post in this thread:

On 6/3 she said she was going out of town to Wash DC to baseball game w/OM (the A w/OM from her work is back now

Anyway, she went and she hasn't called me or texted me since she left

Do I ask her how the game was or do I ask what they saw in Wash DC?

now a month and a half later:

My wife called and she is on her way home after the long weekend

I tried to keep it short by saying "Okay, I see you in a few minutes then.".

If you are trying to be the "better option" here. IT IS NOT WORKING!!! You are not being the better option. You are showing her that you are OK with her extramarital relationship. Show me one woman that is going to respect and love a man with this behavior. Sure, its a perfect situation for her. You are providing for her financially, her house, her car etc. He is providing for her in other ways. Ways that she will never feel for you if you keep up this behavior.

WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS NOT WORKING!!!

She takes the weekend to fool around with someone else, and you tell her you had a decent weekend? what did that get you? She goes and gets boxes from the OM.

If there is anything else worth saying here that would give her something to think about or has a greater impact, I would appreciate feedback. I'll be reading a lot and doing something good for me this weekend... basically focusing on "ME".

Yes. I REFUSE TO SHARE YOU WITH ANOTHER MAN. And if you want greater impact, drop her, ignore her, quit reading and start to enjoy your life without her. Get strong, confident, and demand respect and in the process you realize that ...."nevermind".

I think you need to realize that women donot love men who are willing to allow them to love other men. Until you realize that and take back that part of your life she is going to continue to walk all over you.

Steve McQueen

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What McQueen said. ^.

[SavingMyMarriage]

Okay, I'm confused now. I'm not trying to be difficult and it's obvious that what I did in the past wasn't working (I know I messed up). I know my actions haven't shown her that I won't tolerate sharing her with another man. I don't think I ever told her that, but I did share my position on the whole matter.

We all know that there are a few ways to approach a situation -- even to those who DB on this board. Some follow DB to every word, and some a little less. I was one who didn't want to take a hard line at first since my wife and I up until April 2009 still had some physical contact, had good conversations, etc. Yes, I did a little of DB and then I fell off the wagon, went back on...obviously I was not sending a consistent message.

Anyway, my wife will be out of the house as of Friday. I know I can't change her mind, but I don't want her to think (as you and Puppy wrote) that I'm okay with this. I don't want to cut off all communication lines by saying I won't tolerate this. She's going to move out anyway so I don't want her to believe that I want nothing to do with her.

Don't you think that keeping lines of communication open would be more helpful? I have to admit that I understand where both of you are coming from -- actions speak louder than words... I want to at least remain friends with her while she is going through this phase...however my actions then would be saying that I'm okay with what she is doing...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

We all know that there are a few ways to approach a situation -- even to those who DB on this board. Some follow DB to every word, and some a little less. I was one who didn't want to take a hard line at first since my wife and I up until April 2009 still had some physical contact, had good conversations, etc. Yes, I did a little of DB and then I fell off the wagon, went back on...obviously I was not sending a consistent message.

I'm not seeing where you did EITHER. You didn't DB, and you didn't do the more "hard-line" approach either. You've asked for advice, multiple times, but I'm not seeing where you've ever FOLLOWED any of it. Can you point me to where you have? Maybe I missed it.

Anyway, my wife will be out of the house as of Friday. I know I can't change her mind, but I don't want her to think (as you and Puppy wrote) that I'm okay with this. I don't want to cut off all communication lines by saying I won't tolerate this. She's going to move out anyway so I don't want her to believe that I want nothing to do with her.

Don't you think that keeping lines of communication open would be more helpful? I have to admit that I understand where both of you are coming from -- actions speak louder than words... I want to at least remain friends with her while she is going through this phase...however my actions then would be saying that I'm okay with what she is doing...

As long as those are the things that you are projecting, she will continue to have all of the power. She SMELLS that fear, and FEELS that weakness, and as long as you are more concerned with not losing the little bones that she chooses to toss you, you will never get anywhere.

Period.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think you're confusing "taking a strong stand" with "being a dikk." You can be friend-LY to her, treating her civilly in whatever interactions you do have, without being supplicating and needy.

It's possible to nicely say "Here, let me give you a hand with the rest of your stuff that I packed up for you while you were gone this weekend," help her load it into her truck, and send her pretty little adulterous ass on her merry way.

She will begin to respect you when YOU begin to respect YOURSELF. Not a moment sooner.

Puppy

[SavingMyMarriage]

Back in late March or early April I started DBing and was talking to a DB coach. I stopped physical contact, saying ILY, and spent some time away from the house (did things on my own to start basically getting a life)... I stayed away from the R talks, etc. The above helped a little...

When I joined the board here, I also started to slowly detach. Before I went to Europe I stopped the phone calls, E-mails, etc. I basically left her alone and gave her space. While in Europe I did the same -- didn't buy her gifts or anything like that...did stuff on my own when she was away with her classmates visiting various businesses. It was awkward, but I did it. I made a few mistakes, but I stayed away from the pleading, begging, etc.

My DB coach for the most part thought it would be appropriate to ask her to go to dinner and do other things, but if my W said no, I should go by myself and then tell her what a great time I had... makes sense. So I did that a few times. Everything kind of fell apart though in early June when she said she was going with OM to Wash DC. I wouldn't say I was the model DBer in April & May, but it was pretty close to what my DB coach and some on this board have suggested... in hindsight, my W probably felt that I was pursuing her, which didn't help...