Emotions aren't logical and you have to start remembering that and use this small bit of info to your advantage so that you don't waste your time explaining how you've changed and that things will be better because in the end doing so goes against their feelings and they are in love with their feelings, telling them you've changed and you're different goes against their feelings which they love so much. Agree with them in everything even when they are attacking you, defending yourself against their attacks only forces them to put up their guards even more. Stop defending yourself, agree with them wholeheartedly, if they call you a horrible person, tell them that you are the most horrible person and you agree with them 100% and that you can't understand how they lived with you this long. The idea is that agreeing with them & their feelings lowers their shields, they'll continue fighting you if you continue defending yourself so you stop the fight by disarming yourself and taking whatever they give you (aside from verbal & physical abuse, just leave the room at that point with no response back to them).
Stop using your old logic to deal with their emotions, it never works. Be different, do different.
Excellent, Robx. You gettin' this, too, mac?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I'm sure I've seen this before but not in these words. Succinct in the extreme - bordering on terse. Even I could understand it (I must have swallowed a dictionary today)
Pity we can't get this imbedded in the header on the site
Spread the nice words.
Thanks a mill G for the heads up and thanks to Robx.
Well, apparently my wife and I reached the same point at about the same time. Our "difference of opinion" Sunday on reconciliation (and, I mind-read, my telling her I will not move out in Dec. so she can "live in the house one more time") precipitated this email I received this morning:
Subject: Warm Regard: Hi, Gardener,
To clarify my position about our difference of opinion, I feel that leaving our marriage is the healthiest decision I've made in quite some time and stepping back into any relationship would only continue to jeopardize my health. So, I will move ahead to resolve and finalize the mediation with a goal of completing everything legal as soon as possible. I'll be sending you the mediators' information before the end of this week. Please pick one or the other – it doesn't matter to me.
My wishes are for future health and happiness – for both of us.
Interesting, too, since after having the "Now me" exchange with IC yesterday, I also said to him, "I'm done." So, my planned reply which I will send later today will be along the lines of: Wife,
I understand.
I will look into getting the house on the market this week with the same goal.
Always, Gardener
Just sent the reply. I noticed that I read it this morning, but she sent it yesterday afternoon. So, I replied.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
So, confusion on my poor wording in the reply led my wife to understandably think that what I would be looking into was "getting it on the market this week." though her "It's my house, too," in her subsequent vm was unnecessary. But I responded lightly in my email response: "Of course it's your house, too (sheesh) " Clarified by saying I should have worded it "This week, I will be looking into getting it on the market."
She called to ask why am I rushing all of a sudden, anyway? (?) I replied that I'm assuming her mediation-to-divorce route will take 3 months or so to finalize and I likewise assume selling will take about the same.
She wanted to know why I flip-flopped again about me moving out/letting her move back in in December, she doesn't understand, what changed in a month, "I already invited (darling pregnant D) to stay there with me during Christmas, now I have to make other plans, it would be easier for me to go through all my stuff, packing/discarding if I was living there for a while," etc.
I said, "I understand."
My answer in May ("No") was valid. My reconsidering/reversing ("Yes") right after she asked for D (while in MC office after MC unilaterally announce that "we're done, here") was almost under emotional duress. Sunday's re-reversal ("No") was my rational, considered return to valid. But I wasn't going to tell her that since that (or any other) answer would have been a waste of time.
So, just "I understand."
"Now all the King's horses And All the King's men Wait for their clarion call
Pride hears its voices And fear wins again And another cruel ending calls"
Mary Chapin Carpenter
And, oh, yeah: I had a great day, today.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
And I find it interesting that Sunday she unequivicably announces imminent movement on mediation, Monday emails her "goal of completing everything legal as soon as possible," and when I seemingly jump right on board and get things moving she wants to know why the rush....
And I'm not gonna mind-read that one.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
You just never know. Maybe when the engine is cranked up and teh wheels start moving, she may (MAY) want to apply the brakes.
That's also why I think sticking to your guns on the house issue is so important. It sends her a message that you aren't just gonna roll over and let her have her way in a D.
You might want to read Coach's original thread. He went through a lot of the D stuff. And he and Greek are together now.
