3 1/2 years into MLC

[Holly06]

I hope I can help. I also hope that I can post enough of this reconnection (if it is that) so that everyone can see at least the pattern in 1 sitch. Aside from the fact that I want my marriage back.....

OW. I would love to give you the skinny. I am afraid I just dont have it. I will tell you this. It is about trust. Trust in that all things work out for the good.
I let the world do the work for me. I trusted the process. I let it go. I trusted that all relationships built on cheating and broken trust only had one place to go. To the toilet.
If I would have interfered, I believe I would give them a common enemy. I wanted the relationship to die a natural death. That one has a better chance of staying dead.
Do you want a timeline? I left them alone.
This is a crazy part of the story.
I have not had any contact with TJ. I was blind. But one day, as I was on the phone with a friend celebrating a possible new dating relationship for him, I started crying. I dont know where it came from. I was just sad. My friend worried that he had caused it (NO WAY) but all I could come up with that something was terribly wrong. OVerwhelming saddness, when I really was happy for my friend. I finally found the words for the sadness, and I told him that I thought something was wrong with TJ. He supports me in my quest to restore my marriage. I didnt know what but I was just tearful.
I had a horrible sunday afternoon, not able to shake it. I was genuinely worried about him. I hatched a plan. Waited to execute (24 hr rule). On my way to work Mon. morning I text TJ's sister. She supports me but we had not spoken for several months. I told her that she did not have to respond to me, but I had these feelings and I would rest easier knowing that someone would check up on TJ since I could not shake those feelings. Later that day she said that was weird that TJ had been down and she thought that he had finally reached the bottom. He spent the weekend with them, did not drink and said he wanted to go to church, he felt he needed to be there.
She ask me if I still loved him? Had I told him?
We went back and forth, and several weeks later she told me that that was the very bad breakup weekend. Something horrible happened, and to this day she will not tell me. My kids know (I believe) but it is a kindness for me NOT to know. I knew all I needed to know, and that he was OK. Well, sort of.
Then came the Graduation set up (by TJ) and you know the bones of the rest.
I want you to know that I will find out without seeking this horrible incident if I need to know. I have experienced again and again what Snodderly refers to "falling in you lap" when I am STILL.
If TJ and I reconcile, and he wants me to know he can tell me. Other than that I do not need to know.

Years ago, I would have never been able to trust this process. I would have contolled, fixed and manipulated it. Now I just trust.

I know that his family thought she was awful. They did not interfer,but really they SO disapparoved. My girls handled it their own way. I do not think that they were easy on him.
I will tell you what D25 told me. The fact that I did not bash or belittle their dad allowed them to have a relationship with him. NOw I see that this is a wonderful tool NOW. If they are reconnecting with them it is "win win". The man I love has some family and comfort: my kids have a dad (flawed as they now know him to be) and he knows me to be Graceful. Now the opposite of clumsy, but full of Grace.
If I have any advice at all, it is to know what hurts the most now will become an advantage to you later on. You can fight these little wars and hurts and injustices. Do what is right. Take care of yourself and your children, be kind, BE STILL. Do protect yourself, because you can not become so bitter that you are damaged. You are making points and victories to win the WAR not the battles. Lose battles. Lots of them. Let them work themselves out naturally.
Natural consequences of their choices. That is where you need to be.