You're under no legal obligation to pay for college tuition once your child is over 18. Unless you agree to it in the settlement. My oldest was a wild one, dropping classes, getting marginal to great grades for his first two years. We sent him to a state school because I wasn't going to pay private school tuition for him to learn to become a better partier.
His junior year I had him take student loans for his tuition (we paid for room and board). If he had a 3.0 or higher, we assumed the loan. If lower than that, it was his. He never went below except he got a free pass for the semester when all hell broke loose and his dad's indiscretions came out.
Irresponsibility comes with consequences. If your wife wants to pay her share upfront, she can. Don't allow it in the divorce decree. If it's a sticking point, put your boundaries in. As a parent you have a choice about what's appropriate for your children. You don't want the legal system telling you what to do with an irresponsible child. Your younger children will be taken care of (equivalent to UCONN) with each of you paying half.
About your wife hoarding the $11K a month in her own name. It says a few things. One: she does not need your income if she was able to save that amount. Two: If you go to trial, that behavior will be taken into consideration. Three: Adultery does count toward something in CT.
Under the law she can be eligible for lifetime alimony. Her income should be taken into account. You put in a 'second look' around the time you're eligible for retirement in the settlement. The court will review the finances again. If she remarries it's gone. If she cohabits, it's adjusted and/or gone.. though the term's definition is a bit loosey goosey in CT. It would be up to you to prove it.
And even though this is a bit late about your daughter abusing alcohol with friends in your domicile. You pressed charges, you made it happen. You should be there.
