Need guidance

[Arwen_in_NJ]

KTF-
It is pretty typical for the partner to be confused, send mixed messages and generally make us crazy... ;-) As I said in my post, if you ask my W where she sees the new affair going, she says "I've given up trying to predict the future- I'm not very good at it. I don't know what's going to happen next week, next month, six months from now". Yet she's sure enough of SOMETHING to be proceeding with a D, totally turning both of our lives upside-down, and trashing a GOOD 16 year relationship. :-(

Also be prepared for the old "one step forward, one step back" dance they do so well. This past Saturday my W talked about her job possibly being a target for layoff. I realized (at 5:30 a.m. on Sunday) that her pattern is to talk in fairly neutral terms AROUND her feelings; not coming out and saying what she is feeling, but leaving me to interpret what she is really saying (read her mind). I am the type of person who responds to the actual words used, so when she mentioned the possibilty of layoff, I asked if there was anything she could do to grow the account, to make her position more secure. I did not respond to what she was FEELING, and that is the light bulb that went off in my head. No wonder she feels we went round and round about issues, and nothing ever changed.. I never "got it" because I didn't understand what she was really SAYING!

So when I unexpectedly saw her later on Sunday morning, I did part of my 180 (doing the opposite of what I used to do, as that obviously didn't work). What I said to her was "Yesterday I HEARD you say you are afraid of losing your job". She said yes, although she never actually SAID that. So I said, "I understand that in this economy and at your age that is a very scary thing". She said yes again. I then said, "If anything happens, you know you have a tremendous network of family and friends you can rely on", she said "I know", and I said "and that includes ME."

At that, she got kind of teary, and said "thank you" and "give me a hug" (which we did). One step forward. :-) She went upstairs for something, and then came back down. Her next statement was "I don't know if my attorney Cathy has been in touch with your attorney yet". :-P I kept my composure, and said I didn't know- I hadn't heard anything yet. She said she hadn't either, but she "still wanted to work it (the divorce) out collaboratively between us so we don't pay all the money to the attorneys". Ick. One step back. It seems any time we seem to be a little close, she has to push back to make space between us. Detaching and not dwelling on EVERY LITTLE THING SHE SAYS AND DOES is very, very hard.

BTW, my partner has said she wants a quick separation/divorce and to "move on". I have told my attorney I want to drag the process out as long as possible. :-) I have heard that most A's don't last more than 6-8 months once they are out in the open. Although I think my W and the OW are still in fantasy/honeymoon land, I think that is going to pale pretty quickly once the OW is here and they are together all the time and "real life" sets in. I think it has disaster written all over it, for a number of reasons...