I'm so disappointed and frustrated with myself today. My landlord finally found someone to rent my place, so that is a load off my mind. The landlord is being cool about everything, but I had to call Her to talk about the logistics of how we make this work with the landlord. Last week I offered to have her come get her stuff out first, but she declined. I plan to move out Tues or Wed and I called to make sure that she could get Her stuff out by Sunday. I called to talk about things. She just called me back to talk about the move.
The good news is that I kept pretty even and non-emotional throughout. We were talking about dates and times and She is all weird about my move out date. I told her I'd be out by Wed. She wants to know if she can move stuff out Wed night or not. Whatever. She asked about what town I'm moving to. I've told her this already. She wants an address, which I don't have finalized yet. She says "i just need a place to send legal stuff to." I told her that I was easy to find. She could always send it to work.
She has this thing about trying to get the vehicles signed over. I feel rushed. She has my truck, which is in my name. I have the car, which is in both of ours. She keeps giving me this story about feeling insecure driving a vehicle that isn't hers. Whatever. It hasn't been a problem for 7 years, or for the last year she's been gone. My flags are all going off. So, we're supposed to have some financial agreement signed before our court date. I told her once that was officially signed I would sign over the truck, but not before. The excuses she's giving are lame. So she comes up with "I want this taken care of before you leave. This way you don't have to drive back up here." Thoughtful. Pardon the sarcasm, but my 3 hour daily commute hasn't been on Her radar, now she's trying to save me a one day trip? I'm not buying. I did say, after seven years, the least I could do is drive to sign some forms. I should have just stopped here.
I didn't.
I asked why she was trying to avoid meeting me in person. I asked if I did something to make her mad? She's says no, says there really isn't any anger. So then I asked, if there's nothing really wrong, how do we go from talking and spending time with each other (and having a generally good time) to getting served in one big swoop. I think that seems kinda disconnected. Her response: "I just think we need to get some logistical things taken care of first." Ok?!? Then, "so are you going to sign the truck over to me on Wed?"
I'm frustrated that I can't just let stuff go and walk away. It is NOT in my nature to stop fighting. I'm hoping that I don't mess this up any further. The good news was that I was eeriliy calm and emotionless. I wasn't begging or whining, just asking legitimate questions and stating facts. I don't know. I don't like one conversation setting me spinning. The move is coming soon. I'm trying to get out Tuesday ... just to mix it up a little and get out of here.
I'm going through the whole titling thing with our cars right now, too. We originally had a problem with the respective counties we live in not having their ducks in a row as to where the car that she is driving is garaged, for tax purposes. We got it all straightened out eventually. Now, W is playing the same card to try to get me to sign the car over to her. Sorry, sweetie- taxes aren't due until October. Nice try, though.
They seem to be focused on what they are focused on, and nothing we do will drag their focus away from that. It's another phase they have to go through.
Originally Posted By: mountain_west
I'm frustrated that I can't just let stuff go and walk away. It is NOT in my nature to stop fighting. I'm hoping that I don't mess this up any further.
Just a sec- who said anything about stopping fighting? When you "just let stuff go and walk away", you are simply taking the campaign to a different "battlefield". One that you have the high ground on.
I know it seems like your doing "nothing" isn't helping things. But that's because you are not privy to the processing that is going on in her head. It is exactly in doing "nothing" that we help our Ws situations the most. We give them exactly what they want, and (this is the important bit) overtime, they learn for themselves that the things they thought would help the most (namely giving up/running away), really haven't done anything to help them at all.
By doing "nothing", we are actually doing something. We are helping them to process. We are giving them the opportunity to "divide and conquer"- letting them peel away the different elements in their lives (us being one of those elements), to help them figure out what really IS "the problem".
Do you really believe that you are her problem? Really?
Of course not!
Do nothing and let her figure that out for herself.
Because no amount of reasoning with her will work, and will, in all likelihood, keep her stuck in all this even longer.
On a different note, if you haven't run across it yet, I think you will get some benefit out of reading through this thread - "New Chapter" by dmk127
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
that's because you are not privy to the processing that is going on in her head. It is exactly in doing "nothing" that we help our Ws situations the most. We give them exactly what they want, and (this is the important bit) over time, they learn for themselves that the things they thought would help the most (namely giving up/running away), really haven't done anything to help them at all.
Jimbo- FYI, your comments are REALLY helping me keep my sanity. So ... thanks.
Quote:
Just a sec- who said anything about stopping fighting? When you "just let stuff go and walk away", you are simply taking the campaign to a different "battlefield". One that you have the high ground on.
I think in my frustration this came out wrong. I don't want to give up, I just want to walk away from the convo when I should. I even hear the voice in my head saying, "ok, shut up now. Just go." But it is hard when I think it is my only chance to talk. Maybe that's what I need to rethink. I think THAT is my fear, that she'll just disappear. Which has happened before and not out of character for her.
The truck thing has me all tweaked out today. I get the distinct impression that she's trying to protect herself at all costs. Getting D papers forces my hand financially. We HAVE to split everything up. She guarantees that she gets what she wants/needs through legal means. I may be mindreading a little here, but I've seen this before with her. She left her last husband. When came home and found her gone, he wiped her out financially. I came along shortly after him. I can see where she wouldn't trust anyone after going through that. The stupid part is that we don't have any disagreement about how to split stuff up. I just don't like the pace at which we're going and I don't trust her farther than I can throw her.
Her "I just think we need to get some logistical things taken care of first" has got me thinking - and I'm pretty sure I need to stop. I get that she's scared and I get that her history would indicate a vengeful ex-husband. But, we're not fighting over anything, unless I have something to be vengeful over. That's the part that sets me spinning. I know speculating isn't going to help me or her. I just don't like getting blindsided. So my mind is trying to figure out what would cause something like this kind of insanity. I seriously need to stop.
On a completely random semi-spiritual note ... I've had this line from a hymn in my head for two weeks.
Here I raise my Ebeneezer; Hither by thy help I've come And I hope, by thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home
For the uninitiated ... Basically, God tells Abraham to leave his home in Ur and go to the land He will give him, no directions, just go. So he packs his family and leaves Ur and heads west. He ends up in Israel where God says, here's the land I promised you. Only problem is that there is somebody else there. So Abraham heads to Egypt to return at a later date. Before he leaves, he plants this Ebeneezer stone - a giant stone that marks what will be the capital. Makes me want to plant a stone that says ... "This ain't over. I'll be back." Maybe in her front yard.
Jimbo- FYI, your comments are REALLY helping me keep my sanity. So ... thanks.
No probs, MW. Just think of me as your "swim buddy".
Originally Posted By: mountain_west
Quote:
Just a sec- who said anything about stopping fighting? When you "just let stuff go and walk away", you are simply taking the campaign to a different "battlefield". One that you have the high ground on.
I think in my frustration this came out wrong. I don't want to give up, I just want to walk away from the convo when I should. I even hear the voice in my head saying, "ok, shut up now. Just go." But it is hard when I think it is my only chance to talk. Maybe that's what I need to rethink. I think THAT is my fear, that she'll just disappear. Which has happened before and not out of character for her.
The truck thing has me all tweaked out today. I get the distinct impression that she's trying to protect herself at all costs. Getting D papers forces my hand financially. We HAVE to split everything up. She guarantees that she gets what she wants/needs through legal means. I may be mindreading a little here, but I've seen this before with her. She left her last husband. When came home and found her gone, he wiped her out financially. I came along shortly after him. I can see where she wouldn't trust anyone after going through that. The stupid part is that we don't have any disagreement about how to split stuff up. I just don't like the pace at which we're going and I don't trust her farther than I can throw her.
Her "I just think we need to get some logistical things taken care of first" has got me thinking - and I'm pretty sure I need to stop. I get that she's scared and I get that her history would indicate a vengeful ex-husband. But, we're not fighting over anything, unless I have something to be vengeful over. That's the part that sets me spinning. I know speculating isn't going to help me or her. I just don't like getting blindsided. So my mind is trying to figure out what would cause something like this kind of insanity. I seriously need to stop.
Yes, you do need to stop.
In a fit of desperation to "problem solve", you're going all over the map trying to figure her out and digging up the most exotic stuff to try to "solve" this.
Not only that, you're compounding this by heaping your own fears and perceived inadequacies from your personal history as fuel on the fire.
Stop.
Originally Posted By: mountain_west
On a completely random semi-spiritual note ... I've had this line from a hymn in my head for two weeks.
Here I raise my Ebeneezer; Hither by thy help I've come And I hope, by thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home
I can relate to this! Our subconscious mind is much more powerful than we give it credit for. I can't begin to tell you how many times a song has popped into my head that, after the fact, turned out being SO significant to what I was going through at the time- even to the point of giving me guidance.
Have you read the thread I pointed you to yet?
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
Before I get bombarded by Biblical scholars, I realize I have conflagrated the Ebeneezer story with a few others ... but the point is the same. It is a recognition of God's help and deliverance. And its a reminder that I'm not going to be abandoned, which just happens to be my big life issue.
Quote:
Have you read the thread I pointed you to yet?
Yep. Good stuff.
Sanity has returned. I'm all set to move out tomorrow. Moving in to the new place on Thursday. I'm taking two days off of work to get this taken care of. I keep reminding myself that I had been planning this before the D bomb as something that is healthy and needed for me. I just get ambushed by my emotions sometimes. In my more lucid moments, I know that there are just too many emotional triggers in my current place; that relocating is the best thing to do FOR ME. I don't really WANT to move. I love my current town. But I also know that I need to get some perspective and that is impossible to do where I am. So ... two days until the new place.
The truck thing is still bugging me. It bugs me because my first reaction is to protect myself. But as I've thought through this financially, there is no way for her to hurt me in all of this even if she has the truck. I'm not attached to any of our stuff. There's no reason to make her jump through hoops, other than to stall a bit, or do things when I'm ready. Sounds like me hanging on to a stupid rope for no reason.
I'm so disappointed and frustrated with myself today. My landlord finally found someone to rent my place, so that is a load off my mind. The landlord is being cool about everything, but I had to call Her to talk about the logistics of how we make this work with the landlord. Last week I offered to have her come get her stuff out first, but she declined. I plan to move out Tues or Wed and I called to make sure that she could get Her stuff out by Sunday. I called to talk about things. She just called me back to talk about the move.
The good news is that I kept pretty even and non-emotional throughout. We were talking about dates and times and She is all weird about my move out date. I told her I'd be out by Wed. She wants to know if she can move stuff out Wed night or not. Whatever. She asked about what town I'm moving to. I've told her this already. She wants an address, which I don't have finalized yet. She says "i just need a place to send legal stuff to." I told her that I was easy to find. She could always send it to work.
She has this thing about trying to get the vehicles signed over. I feel rushed. She has my truck, which is in my name. I have the car, which is in both of ours. She keeps giving me this story about feeling insecure driving a vehicle that isn't hers. Whatever. It hasn't been a problem for 7 years, or for the last year she's been gone. My flags are all going off. So, we're supposed to have some financial agreement signed before our court date. I told her once that was officially signed I would sign over the truck, but not before. The excuses she's giving are lame. So she comes up with "I want this taken care of before you leave. This way you don't have to drive back up here." Thoughtful. Pardon the sarcasm, but my 3 hour daily commute hasn't been on Her radar, now she's trying to save me a one day trip? I'm not buying. I did say, after seven years, the least I could do is drive to sign some forms. I should have just stopped here.
I didn't.
I asked why she was trying to avoid meeting me in person. I asked if I did something to make her mad? She's says no, says there really isn't any anger. So then I asked, if there's nothing really wrong, how do we go from talking and spending time with each other (and having a generally good time) to getting served in one big swoop. I think that seems kinda disconnected. Her response: "I just think we need to get some logistical things taken care of first." Ok?!? Then, "so are you going to sign the truck over to me on Wed?"
I'm frustrated that I can't just let stuff go and walk away. It is NOT in my nature to stop fighting. I'm hoping that I don't mess this up any further. The good news was that I was eeriliy calm and emotionless. I wasn't begging or whining, just asking legitimate questions and stating facts. I don't know. I don't like one conversation setting me spinning. The move is coming soon. I'm trying to get out Tuesday ... just to mix it up a little and get out of here.
- don't sign the truck over.
Just my 0.02 cents.
Living without you means consequences and it's not being mean to say what you want. You want your truck, you keep your truck. Let her have the car. Seriously you feel the need to give her everything she wants amicably and nicely.
If you give it to her, it's almost like you're giving her a gift and what would be the motivation behind that, so that she likes you and changes her mind at the last second.
Keeping the truck for yourself demonstrates that you value yourself and that shows you have significant self-worth and self-value. She obviously doesn't feel the same towards you otherwise she wouldn't be asking to take YOUR truck.
If she has excuses as to why she wants the truck, just remember they are just excuses in a long line of excuses about every quirk in her existing behavior.
Excuses don't explain and explanations don't excuse.
If you want someone to tell you to keep the truck and I'm kind of sensing that with the mentioning of the truck several times throughout the last few posts, you are worth it, keep the truck and let her deal with the fact that getting rid of you means getting rid of any advantages being with you provided. If there is no sense of loss at her end concerning you and whatever you represent to her, how would she ever want to get back with you - you make it so that you enable her every whim, you make it so that there is no loss.
When there is nothing to lose, there must be everything to gain and that's what she currently sees from her point of view.
Please keep the truck and start exhibiting self-respect & self-value by admitting to yourself that you are worth it.
If you give it to her, you're just supplicating her and that won't do you any good but if you enjoy shooting yourself in the foot, by all means, please do it.
I'm slow, but my work is poor.