A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

More thoughts...

Here's what's been guiding my actions. In somebody's thread, I read that their DB coach asked them "If you knew, if you absolutely knew for certain, that in 30 days H would be home, loving you and wanting the marriage to work, how would that change things for you?"

I think the thing the coach is after is for the fear-based begging/pleading/demanding to stop. But for me, it goes a lot further than that.

If I knew...

I wouldn't be afraid, I wouldn't feel rejected or unwanted, I would be happy, hopeful, open, playful and loving.

Would I obsess about about the OW, snoop through his stuff or fret myself to death every time there was a call on his cell? Nope, because she'll be gone in 30 days. Ergo, she's no threat.

Would I go to a movie (by myself), get a hair cut, try new makeup, new recipes, go for a walk on the beach (alone) etc.? Yep, because even if he wants some space right now, there will be plenty of time for 'together stuff' in 30 days.

Would I wash the dishes for him, take his glasses to be fixed or bring him coffee in the morning? You betcha!

Would I relax and enjoy time without fretting/being disappointed/wanting more (in a bad or pouty way). Yep - because 'more' is just around the corner. Abundance mentality!

Would I flirt a bit. Yep!

Would I do sweet little things like leaving love notes, chocolates, etc. Yep.

Would I take the chance of offering affection, such as holding his hand or a touch on the shoulder? Yes, I would. If he rejects it, it's fine. It will all be ok in 30 days so I can be patient and take the small rejections if there are any.

Would I ML if he seemed interested? Yep!!

So this 30 day thing takes all the fear out of things for me. No fear = confidence! No fear = freedom to express love.

In the DR book, it says that when you're considering your actions, you should ask yourself if the thing you're considering will move your R ahead or set it back. Ok, well - sometimes I don't know! Will this love note move us ahead or set us back? I have no freakin' clue.

What's working better for me is to ask myself if I would do this if I *knew* he would be back in 30 days. If the answer's yes, then I ask if it's too much, too soon or it the timing is bad. If *that* answer is yes, I ask myself if I can tone it down or hold it for a better time. Would I write this love note if I knew he'd be back in 30 days? Hell yes! Is it too much, too soon? Hmm, yeah, probably. Can I tone it down? Yes, I can.

It may not be textbook DB, but it's working.