A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Hi, Coach,

It has to do with initiating/not initiating, I think. Example: In the DB mindset, initiating, whether it's initiating (or asking for) a hug, walking over to sit on the couch with him, asking for something that sounds like a date, writing that love note - all of that has to do with initiating signs of interest/love/affection, which looks like pursuit. DB says "don't pursue - it drives them away". In my sitch, it appears that gentle, low-pressure 'pursuit' is drawing him in.

What works (in my sitch) from DB is all of the stuff about being upbeat, looking great, agreeing, GAL etc. But one of our problems was a complete breakdown of initiation on both sides. Both of us were so afraid to be hurt, that we stopped reaching out to each other - with the predictable effect that we both just felt more and more hurt, unwanted, unloved, etc.

So it seems to me, that I need to show him there's cheese in this tunnel. The conundrum is how to give him tantalizing whiffs of cheese without letting whole wheel roll over him and crush him.

Example: with the origami note, a straight out "I love you" might have been too much, and therefore scary to him. But simply saying I felt warm... He was touched, he glowed. So it's a dance of quantity and timing. I also made sure it was an 'I" statement, something he can't argue with, and something that didn't pressure for a response.

I don't have the DB book with me, so I can't cite chapter and verse. I didn't want to risk leaving it out and him finding it, so I left it back home.

Another example - There's a pizza place I really love up here and before I go home, I really wanted to have some of their pizza. Yes, I could go by myself or take the kidlet, but I also wanted all of us to go. So while we were discussing what to do for dinner, I said "You know, I'd like some Rusty's at some point while I'm here. I can't cover the whole thing, but I could cover half. Eat-in or delivery, either one would be fine."

Him: Rusty's delivers?

Me: Yep.

Him(very decisive and enthusiastic): Let's do it!

If you look at my wording very carefully, I never asked him what he wanted, nor did I ask if we could go out for pizza. Those are yes/no options where yes could seem like a capitulation, giving in, letting me control him, doing something just because *I* want it, etc. The very low-key phrasing seems to be taking the pressure out of it for him.

Am I making any sense?