So its long overdue for me to post an update. The good thing is that I've actually been GALing and have been too busy to get time to post. Sorry so much has happened since I last posted that I don't even know where to begin. So H and I are still in close contact, possible on the path to reconciliation. I'm still trying to take it slow but I think things have been going fast which kinda scares me. H and I still live separate but he has been spending a lot of nights at home and the other nights at his parents. I know he wants to move back home since home is a more comfortable living, but I'm not ready yet. The thing is that I know that H has not taken the steps necessary to detach from ow and to begin the limited contact. She still calls constantly - I even realized yesterday that in fact this girl is just not going to disappear liek that. She is going to do all that she can to hang on. H is trying to pull away but she pulls all her cards. Like on Sunday she had son call H and he was saying why doesn't he want to visit him etc. H knows that she uses son too. And really don't want to hurt the boy's feelings either. With that I think I have the upper hand here to make my demands to H and I know if he moves back in without taking additional steps I will lose the upper hand that I have to make the changes necessary. My concern though is that is it wrong to be so close to H without him taking the steps necessary or should I just focus on baby steps? I told him that I don't want to live together until he's put this situation int proper order.
I'm trying to get him to just have a weekend schedule when he picks up son and give her money but the constant running around and doing this and that with her needs to be stopped. Also, please I need outside opinion on this... so remember ow has a daughter too. H has connected with the daughter and picks her up too when he has his son. Now we had a discusion that h feels he doesn't want to hurt the little girl feeligns and he wants to be able to continue to show her love too. Now I think that sounds very sweet on the surface but I've been asking H to detach from her too. I think that his only connection with OW should be his son. He feels that its not about ow its about the girl, and its not Christianlike of me to want him to not show love to the girl too. Is it wrong of me to say no to this? It one thing for me to accept h's son but ow's daughter too. H says its not for me to accept her its for him but I think that would be H continuing the second life and I think he needs to remove himself from these people lives. Wouldn't it be too much contact if he still is being "step-father" to this girl?
One of my concerns and I potentially see it already is that H wants to come home and live comfortable again but I feel like he wants to go right back to where we were - him having a good life at home and still running the streets with ow. I really afraid of going back to that. He says he desn't want to do that but I know our history and if he is still in such close communication with ow the likelihood seems very strong. Any suggestions on how I can set my boundaries? Should I not be so close with h until he had done what's needed, even though I'm positive that no living together until then.
On a more positive note - H and i have had several dates together which has been fun. He's even started back doing thing with my family.
another realization though I had the other day, I think that this time go round I need to be the one to make changes. H seems to be presenting the same attitude with certain things and ow is still pulling her cads so I think I need to change the dynamics here. One of the things I've been doing is that when ow calls and I'm around I don't I say anything. I want and hope that I'm hoping to keep this up and to not even get angry anymore. I;ve been reading all these books and websites that say the best way to deal with ow is to not compete and I'm thinking that if I show emotion it will be like I'm competing with her and that she as an effect on me. So will see how this goes.
Other update, don't know if this is the right move but I put my attorney on hold with the separation agreement. Since H and I seem to be making some progress I figure I would hold off and see where this leads.
Last, wanted to share my insprational quote for today - hopw it helps someone here too:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Wish everyone well in their sitch and please share whatever advice you have.
