Just updating, I had a really good weekend, and surprising with my H. So Friday night, I went out with my sisters, which was great b/c it showed H I have a life. He also went out with his friends and was callign me at 3:30am to see how I was doing. Good sign. Saturday I was home and H had to dropd his family off to a picnic, had to pass our house on the expressway to get there. So he called me from the park to see if I want some food and he brought a plate over for me. Stay the day with me until he had to go pick up his family. We had agreed to go out again later the Sat night, but I had to go visit my mother first. But naughty me, I kinda snubbed H b/c when I got to my mom, my sisters were going out and I really wanted to go with them so I canceled with H. He was mad as ever. I was so proud of myslef though... showed him I have a life. But I kept my cool with him b/c my H being as immature as he can be said fine I will find someone else to go out with and then he hanged up the phone. I started to get upset at first but can you believe it, I stayed so calm. I then text him that "if you go to the movie have a good time, If u don't then I would love to go tomorrow." then he said forget it he find someoen else to go with. And I said, "Ok but if u don't find someone else I really want to see it tomorrow ok." I was really proud of myself b/c these are the immature games that he plays and I was above it. In the past that would have made me so upset and worried but not anymore buster. Of course he didn't go anywhere, we hang out a bit after I finished with my sisters. Then on Sun, he did tons at the house (he's so handy I gotta say), and then we cooked dinner and went to the movie. I had a really great day and he did too. He even turned his phone off, which is of course sign that ow and him are still in contact but he had agreed that he knows he has to limit that for us to live together again. The thing is I want to take it slow yes, but I'm wondering if we're going too fast actually. Don't even know what is the "right" pace anyway. I should be honest with you guys, H has slept home several nights already, but he's still not home and I don't want to commit to that until I see certain other things in place. Should I just relax and go with the flow for now?
My other fear is that H yoyo's and I keep telling him that I'm afraid that this will only be temporary. He says that how he was before is not what he wants for his life and he didn't grow up that way (which is true, h has a great family), and that I should just watch his actions and see if he's changing back. I'm nervous and scared as hell of this man though. The other morning I woke up and I was starring at him while he was sleeping and I was asking inside are you going to hurt me again? Are you going to keep this up or are you just trying to get me back to where you want me to be? Although I did say to myself that I'm the one that will have to make sure that I'm not made a fool of... so I'm being very cautious emotionally.
Anyway, any advice is welcomed? I really want to do things right. And I def know I need boundaries in place. Shoudl I be demanding/holding out until those boundaries are in place or I was thinking we need to reconnect and establish somewhat a relationship again and then slowly address the issues, but before we live together. Thoughts?
i think u need to set those boundaries and be firm from the start.
i am like u and thought u need to establish the relationship and then slowly address the issues, and it backfired on me.
im thinking puppy will tell u what to do and im thinking he will agree with the boundaries being in place now.
did u happen to read my latest about psycho ow calling?
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
I agree with Doodles on the boundaries, and I also think you should NOT have called him back after his "big baby" routine about you canceling on him. You were very "pursuing" there, and it rewards his poor (pissy/pouty) behavior when you contact him immediately like that. Better to let him stew, and then in a day or two, when HE pursues YOU, you say something like (and with NO apologies included) "I had a chance to do something the other night, and had a great time, but if you still haven't seen it, and would like to, let me know and we can figure out a day that works for both of us. It'd probably have to be early next week for me, tho." ("lots going on", you see....)
You're saying a lot of the right things, but I think it would be better if you say them in RESPONSE to HIS pursuing YOU (and trust me, he WILL pursue!).
Ok got it Pup. I do want him to be the one pursuing and I need to keep that in mind. I ws kinda wrong when I made new plans an hour later and snubbed our date, but I'm trying to show him that he doesn't have that 100% hold over me anymore. I gotta remember to not pursue and let him keep the pursuit up. B/c shoot, men are suppose to pursue anyway.
mdoodles, I know for sure that I need boundaries set up before we live together b/c I don't want that crazy chick disturbing my life anymore. Enough is enough. Unfortunately she can't just disappear b/c of the child but she has to becoem background noise. I saw ur update with crazy chick. I really think the ow in our lives have read the same handbook.
Just to be clear, I don't think you are wrong at all for him wanting to pursue you, nor for you choosing to spend the time with your sisters. I just don't think you should have responded to your husband's petulance, and, in fact, REWARD it with your own pursuit.
Ok I will try to remember to ignore his immature tantrums the next time b/c there will be a next time. I need to slowly bring changes and put them to a stop. Thx for all your great advice Pup
So its long overdue for me to post an update. The good thing is that I've actually been GALing and have been too busy to get time to post. Sorry so much has happened since I last posted that I don't even know where to begin. So H and I are still in close contact, possible on the path to reconciliation. I'm still trying to take it slow but I think things have been going fast which kinda scares me. H and I still live separate but he has been spending a lot of nights at home and the other nights at his parents. I know he wants to move back home since home is a more comfortable living, but I'm not ready yet. The thing is that I know that H has not taken the steps necessary to detach from ow and to begin the limited contact. She still calls constantly - I even realized yesterday that in fact this girl is just not going to disappear liek that. She is going to do all that she can to hang on. H is trying to pull away but she pulls all her cards. Like on Sunday she had son call H and he was saying why doesn't he want to visit him etc. H knows that she uses son too. And really don't want to hurt the boy's feelings either. With that I think I have the upper hand here to make my demands to H and I know if he moves back in without taking additional steps I will lose the upper hand that I have to make the changes necessary. My concern though is that is it wrong to be so close to H without him taking the steps necessary or should I just focus on baby steps? I told him that I don't want to live together until he's put this situation int proper order.
I'm trying to get him to just have a weekend schedule when he picks up son and give her money but the constant running around and doing this and that with her needs to be stopped. Also, please I need outside opinion on this... so remember ow has a daughter too. H has connected with the daughter and picks her up too when he has his son. Now we had a discusion that h feels he doesn't want to hurt the little girl feeligns and he wants to be able to continue to show her love too. Now I think that sounds very sweet on the surface but I've been asking H to detach from her too. I think that his only connection with OW should be his son. He feels that its not about ow its about the girl, and its not Christianlike of me to want him to not show love to the girl too. Is it wrong of me to say no to this? It one thing for me to accept h's son but ow's daughter too. H says its not for me to accept her its for him but I think that would be H continuing the second life and I think he needs to remove himself from these people lives. Wouldn't it be too much contact if he still is being "step-father" to this girl?
One of my concerns and I potentially see it already is that H wants to come home and live comfortable again but I feel like he wants to go right back to where we were - him having a good life at home and still running the streets with ow. I really afraid of going back to that. He says he desn't want to do that but I know our history and if he is still in such close communication with ow the likelihood seems very strong. Any suggestions on how I can set my boundaries? Should I not be so close with h until he had done what's needed, even though I'm positive that no living together until then.
On a more positive note - H and i have had several dates together which has been fun. He's even started back doing thing with my family.
another realization though I had the other day, I think that this time go round I need to be the one to make changes. H seems to be presenting the same attitude with certain things and ow is still pulling her cads so I think I need to change the dynamics here. One of the things I've been doing is that when ow calls and I'm around I don't I say anything. I want and hope that I'm hoping to keep this up and to not even get angry anymore. I;ve been reading all these books and websites that say the best way to deal with ow is to not compete and I'm thinking that if I show emotion it will be like I'm competing with her and that she as an effect on me. So will see how this goes.
Other update, don't know if this is the right move but I put my attorney on hold with the separation agreement. Since H and I seem to be making some progress I figure I would hold off and see where this leads.
Last, wanted to share my insprational quote for today - hopw it helps someone here too:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Wish everyone well in their sitch and please share whatever advice you have.
So figure I would share an interesting exchange H and I just had... I'm trying to go see a movie tonight and H is suppose to stop by tonight. I text him saying that I'm going out to see a movie and what time will he be by. Hoping that he will take on the pursuit role and say he wants to come with me. He then thought I was going out with someone and said if you have plans go ahead. I realized then in our talk that h is thinking I'm goibng out with other people and started to get insecure and I'm thinking that why won't he try to come with me. So then I said I think we're speaking two different language here and In put it out there that I want him to pursue and and ast to come and he thought I wanted tojust go with my friends. Ahhh, just an example of once you try to piece things together its all still complicated.
Good, so you agree that I should not even entertain the idea of him spending time with ow's daughter. Pup, I love your idea of 3rd party hand off, but I don't know why that seems too harsh. H and I discussed at one point him and I picking up son together, but I know that will be so problematic as well. No way will ow want that and she will resist and not give H his son. She uses the boy to pull H in. Am I being naive in thinking like this. He's even proposed that when he picks him up, he calls me. How's that as an alternative? And also what about son calling H, he will and I don't want to stop that either. H says that times he knows she will keep his son away from him.
Another part of this though is that I think H doesn't want to detach either. He told me several times that one fo the things that kept him involved is that he feels sorry for ow and also that he worries about the kids, and he knows that she depends on him (which I think is one of her games as well), and he has lead her on too into thinking that he will be with her. So I think he feels bad to just walk away. Not my problem though I feel since he has create this own mess and just kept digging a bigger hole. That's why I think if I make this easy he will take the easy route and try to keep up the crap.
So I gotta set these boundaries. All our friends and family are telling me I gotta be careful and to be strong. They and I feel like this has been going on long enough, I swear I think H is just immature and afraid to make tough decisions so he's taking the chicken way out.
