I think it's moments like the one you're describing that make it so important to give up the mindreading...Who knows why your W asked that of you - it could have been a test, it could have been something she finally really meant...but either way - you have to be consistent with who you are - and it seems that's exactly what you did - and I think you're response was just right...
If it comes again, you can add something along the lines of, "I would prefer to work on our marriage, but I accept your decision, and want what makes you happy." There's nothing wrong with that reminder - but I don't think you should say more than that - or cling in anyway - which is to say, that I think you handled her request (if that's what it was) perfectly.
A lot of people that care about you - see you in pain or sadness - will likely encourage you to say more or show more than you should...and while it's hard to turn off their advice, I think keeping your emotions and feelings under control is the best thing you can do.
Have you read many of Coach's older threads? If not, I would highly suggest spending somet time going through his experience here...I think you'll find a lot of great insights in his threads.
I took care of myself today: slept in til 8:00AM, went to the gym, walked around some stores, took a good nap, then went to dinner with my neighbor's family. We ended the evening with some good family fun in their home. It was great to just have a good day. Although the last phone conversation I had with my W was still somewhere in the back of my mind, I decided to not let it overwhelm me today. I had a GOOD day.
In the rough seas of life, I am just glad to have enjoyed calm waters and a gentle breeze... at least just for today. What else is there to do?...I can only control one person: Myself.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Sounds like a good day to me. That is all any of us ever has, really. One day. If we are lucky, we'll get another. So easy for me to type it and so hard to make oneself live it, but, that's what we must do. That's what you did today and that's why it feels good.
Awesome. It took me a long time to understand the positives of taking care of oneself in a healthy way - it's never selfish - in fact, I think the more we take care of ourselves in healthy, productive ways, the more of our authentic selves we have to offer another person - a self that isn't weakened or compromised by expectations.
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It was great to just have a good day. Although the last phone conversation I had with my W was still somewhere in the back of my mind, I decided to not let it overwhelm me today. I had a GOOD day.
That's really it - isn't it? Striking that balance between acknowledging, accepting, and processing - without slipping into the need to control things that are out of our hands...setting aside that control just seems to allow a lot more room for good days.
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In the rough seas of life, I am just glad to have enjoyed calm waters and a gentle breeze... at least just for today. What else is there to do?...I can only control one person: Myself.
And isn't there a great kind of freedom that comes with accepting that...brilliant.
Well,I am OK. I am hanging in there. I am trying to maintain a good front at work, at home, on the phone when talking with my kids. It sure isn't easy. I sometimes wonder how much longer can I endure this.
This whole DBing is like a mental run. I am told to run, but I don't know the distance and how long I have to run. I just keep running and I am getting tired. But every time I think of stopping, I always get this feeling that it's not the right time yet to stop the race. Faith has a lot to do with it. My mindset is that I surrender everything to a higher power and pray for my WAW's heart to soften. I have to admit I have become a very calm person after more than a year of separation. I amaze myself at how I respond to people, situations. Just calm, composed, and level-headed. I wasn't like this a year ago, or even 6 months ago. I cry less, I joke more, I am just a kind person...at least in my mind.
I have to say I love and miss my W terribly. I think I love her now even more. Anyway...gotta keep running that run. Can't quit yet. I don't feel it yet. DBing has become a way of life and a lifesaver.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Hi JR, A lot of successful people here refer to DBing as a marathon - not a sprint - so I would say you're in very good company in terms of your perspective.
That calmness you're describing comes through in your words as well - and I think it's wonderful for you to acknowledge it and appreciate it about yourself. I would say that you're a kind person outside of your mind as well. I think that kind of internal peace helps us prepare for and understand the idea of loving someone enough to let be willing to let them go. It's not that we give up - that's not the same thing - it's more of a sense that we will be fine no matter what happens - and we can love our partners with a detached, giving, generosity that is much easier to offer when we are calm within ourselves - and not projecting our issues onto another person - or expecting our partners to "fix" things for us.
I would say that the calm you're feeling in yourself is also a way to gauge just how strong you have become - strong enough to feel what you have to feel, and strong enough to take care of what needs to be taken care of every day.
I was glad to read what you wrote today - you said a lot of stuff that I needed to remind myself of as well...
