d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

Grace,
I did make it thru this weekend's picnic. Alot of people talked to me. Alot of people thought we were divorced already. I said no, paperwork error. The real hard part was his hunting buddies from last november remember him telling them that he had to come home to me. That I was complaining and wanted him home. Liar, he never came home any of those nights until 3 or so in the am. I just said that's not true, I know he loved hanging out with the hunting guys and I knew he wouldn't be home that was tradition. Best part? they left the hunting shed to go home to their wives but they drove by and saw H vehicle at strip club.

They knew then and there that he was making up stories, even to them. I know I shouldn't care what people think, but it really hurt me to hear what he was doing behind my back, for longer than I originally thought!!! But it was nice to have alot of the guys offer to help me out on the farm should I ever need help. Heck, a couple even bought me some beer at picnic.

I had a pretty good time there, even though friends there, I can't help but notice couples together holding hands, or with their kids. H was just never like that, we'd go to picnic and he'd go one way, (of course to be with buddies) and I'd go off somewhere else to find someone to talk with. He'd find me just before the place closed down for the evening.

Funny, he had D4 this past weekend, but he convinced his parents to stay home from a wedding just so they could watch her. So he was at picnic - stood 6 ft. away from me, and not a word. At least 1 hour went by, my friend and I walked down to the other end of the picnic, I was getting very overwelmed. I was good enough for him to come over & sleep on recliner, or make dinner for him or he'd bring dinner. Yet he was to embarrassed to say hi!

Place was packed, and I never saw him anymore that evening, so who knows where he went. But I was proud, I didn't look for him either. Around midnight he texts: where are u at? I never answered him.

Saw his parents next day, they just walked away from me. (to think we used to be close) blood is thicker than water, for sure.

I picked up D4 from my H, she begged him to come to our house and play. H - sorry, I'm busy.

What he had texted me though 1 hour before was, can't u get her early, she's driving me nuts! and i'm getting grayer by the minute. I was so upset, but I said, no sorry.

There is alot of friction again and I know it's because the divorce is set for august 1. I do hurt so bad, but I'm starting to realize that I don't think I really want to be with him. So many lies (and I thought our marriage was good back then) but to find out now.

He needs to grow up and realize alot. Hopefully he finds himself first.

I've decided I am calmer when I don't get texts from him and when he doesn't come over. (that's only since last weekend)

Just let happen what will happen. I've tried to save my marriage but it won't happen.

Take care !!! Thanks for everything, but really nothing new here, except I appreciate you listening.