What little I've tried to pass on to the men around here...maybe at least they all are smelling great! I bet this is the best smelling board on the web!
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“One thing I am going to watch carefully is the impact this may have on her self esteem and general attitude. She has (IMHO) always placed too much importance on her job as a form of identifying who she is. I take the approach that I work to live, not live to work. My career is important, but it is not WHO I am.
Anyone have any thoughts on the potential impact upon W's mindset? “
Well, I think most of the women who have professions/careers these days are like the men feel about their careers. I remember when the women’s lib movement started and the women were throwing away their bras (looked like a bunch of jersey cows running around) and was saying that staying at home with kids was not fulfilling them, etc. Then time passes and most women are working these days and being homemakers also. Puts a lot of pressure on the gals. I tend to agree though, that a lot of them do place a great deal of their self-esteem and “who” they are with their jobs. I will admit that my job affected my self-esteem in a positive way. If I had worked at “some” places, I don’t think my esteem would be as healthy as it is b/c I remember leaving one place simply b/c it did not make me feel good about myself. It was a good job, but I just did not feel good about it. Some are seen as a “job” and some are careers (lol) and it does make a difference (IMHO). But I agree with you in that we should not live to work, b/c that is not what life should be about.
I don’t know how well you’ve complimented your W in the past…about her achievements or how you admire her ability to be tough in the workforce, etc. but it would probably do her a world of good to hear that right now. Don’t make it sound like a compliment, but rather a “matter of fact” statement. Just like you did here on the board when you were saying what you did about her and knowing that her boss had to be rude for her not to be able to take it. My H admires me in ways that never cease to surprise me, but he acts as if I should “know” that without him telling me…(lol). He acts like, “Well, Sandi, don’t you know ….yada, yada?” It’s funny.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don’t know how well you’ve complimented your W in the past…about her achievements or how you admire her ability to be tough in the workforce, etc. but it would probably do her a world of good to hear that right now.
That's a great suggestion. I will work that in very subtle like.
She actually seems to be handling this very well. She was very friendly and talkative ti me me tonight. She turned in to her room early to read a book she is trying to finish - one of the Harry Potter books.
W sent me an IM for me to call our sitter - apparently S9 is acting up this am. She has NEVER asked me to be the heavy on issues like this.
After you take care of business (TCB) fill Mrs GIMA in on the details.
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I think my leading may be paying off.
We are not paying you to think. Go get busy. Geez.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
After you take care of business (TCB) fill Mrs GIMA in on the details.
Done.
Earlier this morning, before the call for me to talk to S, I sent her a spreadsheet I created to show her our financial picture without her working. Our finances was something pre-bomb I had not helped with - other than earning, so I want to change that. The spreadsheet was meant to show her we can make it on just my salary. That and to show her through my actions that I was stepping up to the plate on a financial issue.
Also, she sent me an email asking what she should do about an issue re vacation pay with her job. She then sent my several IM's about her day and how they have told her her last day is Thursday. At Sandi's suggestion yesterday (thanks), I worked in that it was her employer's loss and that she would have been great at that job - and she would have been. She said "Thx" and then went on to talk about how they really did not let her do the job. I validated and validated, said it sounded like her boss felt threatened by W. I was very careful to work in the compliments subtly and and different points of the conversation - tried sprinkling them in.
We shall just have to see which W I will see when I get home. Happy, bff W or withdrawn, don't get too close to me W.
Your earlier post about taking some initiative helped inspire me. I think I have been so hesitant to TAKE action for fear of it being pursuing that I chose not to act at times. Now that my confidence as grown (like when my W and I were dating), I am not as concerned about that. I still appreciate not pursuing, but I think it is time to become more action oriented.
Well, good, but weird, uncomfortable good. Got home today and went to work out. When I got back from the gym, W was home. As I'm making dinner, W mentions that her last work day is Thursday (I knew) and that her mom offered some timeshare points at a place very close to my in-laws. W tells her mom she will check with me after I check my calendar and see if I mind if "she" takes the kids for a mini vacation before kids go back to school.
Oh man, here we go again - I don't think I'm invited. I say "think" b/c its unclear - if I'm not going, why would it matter what is on my calendar - then again, she said "she" wanted to take the kids.
Although I feel my heart sinking, I keep my cool ,and continue making dinner. I really didn't respond to W. After a few minutes, she asks "what do you think about it?". I tell her that sounds great.
A little while later, she asks if "Do you want to go with us?" Its almost as if it is an afterthought to her. I respond, after pausing for a moment, yeah, I would, I guess I wasn't clear on that. I know, a little needy but I really wasn't.
So, now, I feel like I have just been invited as an afterthought. If I did not know any better, I think she's using my DB techniques against me. I'm not supposed to be the one confused - she is.
While I am glad to be going, and, yes, she did not have to invite me, but I still feel like she may not have wanted me to go.
Is this how the WAS tests the waters when they reach out? I understand she is still hurt and has a big obstacle to conquer (trusting that my changes are for real). I also realize it is hard for her to overcome her fear of allowing herself to be vulnerable to me.
I bet this is the best smelling board on the web! 