Its not so much changing the phone in itself, its that H is continung to move towards moving out. He wants to separate all his bills and pay for them in one account so he can set up his own place. I still think part of the money thing is that he has always been bad sticking to a budget, I have been the one to keep saying we need to leave x in the account for bills, even though he has previously agreed to it. This is now seen as controling, and yes, I had fallen into the habit of nagging in this area pre crisis.
This has really bummed me out. Its been about six weeks since H said he wanted to move into his own place, and we need to sell these big assets for this to happen. Thinks are not so tense, but I feel like the IC gave him permission in his mind (pure guess work on my part). I am so very tired of this whole situation, I feel like I am running out of my mojo battery, and my self estem has taken a huge dive again. I am acting as if, smiling etc, but that is not who I am , you know? Its just killing me right now.
I apologize for taking this long to get back to you, but my computer is giving me some problems. Anyway, your story is unfortunately very familiar for young families in our world today.
You are a girl after my own heart…the way you took charge of your life and set your goals and went to work. I like that! I can only imagine what it must be like there for you with your little ones and H away on the job……and trying to “get his head clear”. It’s what’s in his head that is the problem, right? I am wondering if it might have been too easy for his IC to convince him that “you” were the source of all the unhappiness. Too much of that seems to be happening in the offices of C’s these days.
I don’t anything to add to the great advice you’ve been given…and what you are already doing. It is hard being a young mother and trying to give 100% to your children and then find enough left in you to be the “wife” that H may need right now. I don’t think that some men may understand the tremendous strain it is for the woman who is expected to be so much to so many. Some men have a hard time sharing her with the children when they are so young b/c of the time and energy that is required by the kids. It takes an understanding man to realize that your life is not just a piece of cake while he’s out on a job. Then, when he comes home, I’m sure he wants your undivided attention…..but the kids don’t stop being kids just b/c he’s home. It is easy to fall into what the two of you have. Not easy to work out of it…but very workable. Stick to your goals and keep adjusting them or adding to your list b/c things will change and you will need to continue to evaluate what is working and what’s not. I think you are doing a good job, but there is no telling how long your H may continue down this path. Do you think you could handle this behavior if he keeps doing what he is….or getting worse?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks so much for talking the time to go through my sitch. I think the amount of support you provide people on this site is outstanding and you are an angel.
Our home life on a day to day basis is ironically probably better right now than many couples who consider themselves happily married. H loves doing the routinue stuff with the kids and will help out a lot, we are doing family activities nearly every day (today we built a an offroad push bike track through the flower beds and all rode our bikes for example). We ML, and its good. H speaks very nicely to me. So yes, there are bad days, H withdraws more and goes silent, tolerable for sure.
But he is hiding behind his wall and it feels like that is an elephant in the room which is stopping him from trying to reconnect emotionally with me. He was supposed to be trying the first half of the year, I get he did but he stayed behind the wall then too (too much anger, I pleaded too much then etc). He is very calm and relaxed now (as am I), but seems so determined to stay there emotionally where it is safe. I am not sure what signs would indicate he would consider trying to reconnect and take the wall down???
This frustrates me so much as I feel I need to open myself emotionally to enjoy the family days etc, but at the same time protect myself assuming worse is to come. This is the part I feel so drained from. I hate that wall and don't know how to see it changing size, in my own sitch.
Reading your response to Sandi, reminds me how similar (but different!) our sitch's are... You still have this nagging reminder in the back of your mind that he is planning on moving out, and making some progress in doing so (individual bills), YET you are getting along better than ever, and enjoying your "family" life.
Read my reply to you on my thread re: walls.
I'm drained w/ya, sistah!
I'm wondering how long this can continue w/out affecting our health...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
My health has a much better chance now I am DBing!
A good GAL day, meet friends this morning, heaps giggles with toddlers in the afternoon, got some work done on what sort of work to return to in the workforce.
Then got a call from an excited H that we had a nibble on one our our big assets for sale. Need some help on this one to land my head in the right place.
Most of our marriage H has had no interest in long term finances, I have, so I have done the work and planning. I always showed H what was happening, but he wasn't really into it, fair enough. In the last couple of years, however, he started taking an interest and I sensed wanted to move in a different direction (wanted to have less assets, higher cashflow for holidays and toys, but would not come out and say clearly). He brought this up six months ago and said he had felt although I gave him a chance to comment, he never really thought I listened. I can see why he would think this as I was very exited with my direction. When he brought it up, I said we could move to his plan six months ago, he said I wouldnt be able to handle it.
When he said he wanted to move out two months ago, we will HAVE to move to his plan to support two households, so I said fine, sell down, but you handle all the sales. If you are still with me (well done), this is where I am not sure how to play things now. H is really excited to be selling the stuff, he seems to have been much more stressed holding onto them than he let on and really enjoying being in charge of this and his life. I want to be graceful about the sales and would offer to help EXCEPT not if its so he can move out! But I THINK he is still not sure on if he will actually go?
When we last spoke about our sitch I said although I wanted to stay married, if he wanted out then I wanted my share of $$ asap as I didn't want to be around him anymore (as he was then, hard to live with and going anyway). He thinks this is still my view(I have not yet told him I have changed my mind and HE can move out).
I was going to wait for him to bring up next R talk then try to say maybe as things are calmer now we could try with less pressure?????? Not sure what my position should be?????? This will probably come up when we get an offer on an asset so I will need to have my head ready for then as I will be very emotional (inside at least!).
Any suggestions or insights as to what my position should be welcome!
So, by encouraging the excitement of the sale of the assets, you're assbackwardsly (just made that up!) supporting the separation...?
I don't see any other way to think of it, ESPECIALLY if he's still considering moving out. But, if NOT, then he's just liquidating assets as per his desire.
Do you have a bill or loan that you could pay off with that money, instead of keeping it "liquid"? That might be a good compromise, and a check on his flexibility. Good time to pay things off, now... You know the US is in a recession! LOL
I'll do some more thinking.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
The profits will be used to paydown loans on them and other assets. It will be the extra cashflow that was channeled towards the assets that will be free for, in his old plan, living an easier, more fun life, or now, for him to maintain his own place too.
Yes, glad you think it is tough too! Thats why I need a good position, I think it is one of his big issues with me, and therefore our marriage at the moment. He has always wrongly assumed I have not wanted to do it his way. Thats why it may be a "test" as to how I react to the sales, I know he is very watching me closely on this and so far I am very calm.
Since he's watching you closely, he'll be sure to notice any flinch. If he looks at you odd, or asks you about it, tell him... "You know what, H? I'm stuck here, and a little nervous and sad. I'm impressed by your initiative and interest in our finances, but am concerned because the subject of the sale of these assets surfaced during a conversation that involved the extra cash assisting in you moving out, and separation for us. You know I don't want that, and worry that this will expedite a process I don't support."
Sorry if wordy. I can't condense it any better, but you get my point!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Oh,...... like the truth!!!!!!! Yeah, I can certainly run with that. Brilliant, thanks so much, I was feeling very clouded emotionally on this one, been stuck for weeks.
