I am good, thank you. Turmoil and subsequent epiphanies of the last 48 have done me good, as did crystalizing them by sharing in last night's post. BTW, I've gotten the ball rolling re: .alt discussion sitch.
Checked on your thread a little while ago.
Gima, I gotta tell you, I really admire your DBing. You are steadfast. Talkin' the talk' and Walkin' the walk.
Marathon vs. Sprint? You're no Hare, as I sometimes am, you're tha Tortoise!
Hava a good one, buddy.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Some folks might be meeting in NYC soon. Are you interested?
*hugs*
Yes!
Its 5 hours from me, but I would make the drive.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Marathon vs. Sprint? You're no Hare, as I sometimes am, you're tha Tortoise!
You got that right on many levels.
Anyway, you sound better this morning. Just realize the bad days will come again, but they will be less frequent and less severe. Control them, not the other way around.
Well, apparently my wife and I reached the same point at about the same time. Our "difference of opinion" Sunday on reconciliation (and, I mind-read, my telling her I will not move out in Dec. so she can "live in the house one more time") precipitated this email I received this morning:
Subject: Warm Regard: Hi, Gardener,
To clarify my position about our difference of opinion, I feel that leaving our marriage is the healthiest decision I've made in quite some time and stepping back into any relationship would only continue to jeopardize my health. So, I will move ahead to resolve and finalize the mediation with a goal of completing everything legal as soon as possible. I'll be sending you the mediators' information before the end of this week. Please pick one or the other – it doesn't matter to me.
My wishes are for future health and happiness – for both of us.
Interesting, too, since after having the "Now me" exchange with IC yesterday, I also said to him, "I'm done."
So, my planned reply which I will send later today will be along the lines of:
Wife,
I understand.
I will look into getting the house on the market this week with the same goal.
Always, Gardener
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Is she that ill? It's interesting that her health is her biggest issue.
The last five or six years of the marriage, I was plagued with asthmatic bronchitis. I'd get a cold, a day later I'd be on 9 powerful medications. It would take me a month or two to heal, so sick I could barely move. Since spouse left, I haven't been sick. A cold that lasted a few days once.
You both have had bouts of illness.. depression and alcohol for you. Whatever she has.
Extreme stress can wreak havoc to the immune system.
Is she that ill? It's interesting that her health is her biggest issue. You both have had bouts of illness.. depression and alcohol for you. Whatever she has. Extreme stress can wreak havoc to the immune system.
Very strange.. yet very businesslike.
Good luck.
*hugs*
Two years ago, Her:Autoimmune Thyroid and Adrenal illnesses.
Doctors said menopause and stress in her life. She said/says Gardener.
Two years ago, Me: Thyroid, low testosterone. Doctor said andropause and stress in my life. Gardener says andropause and stress in his life.
Both of us successfully treated (bio-identical hormones), on-going monitoring.
And, yes, very business-like. Curt.
((()))
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
G man - I tried that bit - "look honey - I've changed" and gave a big list. She didn't see because she didn't want to or that she couldn't - whatever.
Bollox (there I go again). Why can't the significant other SEE? Answer - no bloody idea.
You can't ever do that with a WAS. You can't say "Look I've changed", saying that you've changed is actually proving that you haven't changed at all. Because telling them you've changed and because you've changed we can be together again won't work, it can't work. You have to do the opposite, you can't tell them you've changed, you just have to change period and for yourself not for them. Otherwise it comes off as controlling, "look at me, give me attention, I've changed, you should love me now, can't you hear what I'm saying, listen to me, stop thinking the way you do"
Male logic will never trump female emotion.
Logic & emotion don't mix.
Emotions aren't logical and you have to start remembering that and use this small bit of info to your advantage so that you don't waste your time explaining how you've changed and that things will be better because in the end doing so goes against their feelings and they are in love with their feelings, telling them you've changed and you're different goes against their feelings which they love so much. Agree with them in everything even when they are attacking you, defending yourself against their attacks only forces them to put up their guards even more. Stop defending yourself, agree with them wholeheartedly, if they call you a horrible person, tell them that you are the most horrible person and you agree with them 100% and that you can't understand how they lived with you this long. The idea is that agreeing with them & their feelings lowers their shields, they'll continue fighting you if you continue defending yourself so you stop the fight by disarming yourself and taking whatever they give you (aside from verbal & physical abuse, just leave the room at that point with no response back to them).
Stop using your old logic to deal with their emotions, it never works. Be different, do different.
