Mulesqb - Surviving Deposition Day

[mulesqb]

Just feel like journaling today. STBX family has really helped me a lot the past few days. They have picked up the boys from camp for me and cooked dinner and even babysat for me on sat night. Last Friday night STBX took S11 out for pizza and then drove him to his baseball game. We both arrived at the same time. I was still pissed about the whole coming out of the neighbor's garage thing - so I just got out of my car and walked to the dugout and didn't pay any attention to her. That night I thought about that. I think it's going to take me a while to come to grips with what's she's doing there. It's very difficult to live that close to it, see what she's doing to the boys and then be friendly. That's something I will have to work on.

After the game S15 told me that she walked right by him and didn't say hello to him and completely ignored him while hugging and kissing the other two. That angered me. Of course she didn't stay for the game despite bringing S11 up to it. She has now not been to any of his games - baseball or basketball- for a year and a half. I do recognize though, that I am the coach of the team, all the parents are very close with me and know the sitch. There is no way she can face them. I just feel bad for S11, because it would mean the world to him if she stayed just once to watch him.

On Sat I had a date again. 4th date with the same woman. We definitely have a connection. Wont get into details, but I'm at the point with her now where I will have to take the next step physically. This is where I have run away from every other woman I have dated. I don't want to run from this one. But it is a big deal to me. I have to think about it. I do know that I finally feel ready.

When I got home from date - STBX's parents talked to me for a long time about things. I'm trying to help them come to grips. It's not easy.

On Sunday - S11 just started talking about the sitch in the car while we were driving. It was with me and the other two boys. Kind of interesting to hear him talk about it. This is what he said as best as I can remember: "Dad - I really think mom is going to change back to the way she used to be. I think she is really having a hard time with age. I think it really bothers her that she is getting older and that's why she decided she doesn't want a life with us. But I don't think she's happy no matter what she does with neighbor. I really think by her next birthday (next March) she is going to have enough of this and come begging for you and us to take her back. She knows deep down that he's a jerk. I really think that Dad. She knows you are doing a great job taking care of us, she's watching Dad, I know she is. Her next birthday she's gonna start forgetting about her age."

That was it in a nutshell. The first time he has really opened up about it. I just acknowledged what he said and validated him. But i thought about it a lot. When I hear things like that though it makes me feel guilty about dating.

Dating is not easy. I really have one night per week that I can do it. Thankfully, the woman I am dating is in the same boat and understands. But when you have a connection, you want more. So it can be challenging. I talked to her about it and we both agreed about priorities.

So much mixed emotions still. My D should be done in the next month. I feel like my M has been over for eons. Yet I read threads here and everything kind of went fast in my sitch in comparison. It's been a year and a half since the bomb. I look back and know that I made mistakes - but I know everything was with good intentions. I wish I could work on forgiveness. Having a very hard time there. Maybe after me and the boys move that can happen. It's just that I have a hard time respecting a parent that walked away from her children. I have a hard time with the choices she's made and the life she's living and the friends she's made. How can I forgive that?? Will let you know if I get there.

Strength and Honor.

Mules