I think it is way too common on this site for the BS spouse to read too much into meaningless conversations and treat their cheating wifes like everything is fine and dandy.
Originally Posted By: SavingMyMarriage
"Okay, I see you in a few minutes then.".
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? sorry to be cruel, but why? you know where shes been you know what shes done. what are you thinking when you ask her how her trip went?
Originally Posted By: SavingMyMarriage
"She then said, "How are you? What did you do this weekend?" I told her what I did and she said, "Oh good", as if she was concerned since she was with OM the last four days.
concerned? you really think so? I think if she broke down and said, "OMG. i have really messed up our lifes. i have a serious problem. i love you. what can i do to rebuild trust and love. i dont want to lose you." she would be concerned. i think she is just disrespectful to you.
You need to give her the impression, no, the reality that this is not fine that you have more self worth than allowing this to happen explanation point
Thanks for the feedback... I purposely stayed away from talking about the trip -- I don't want to know anything about what she did or how her trip went. I just asked her about the flight...
Believe me, she knows how I feel about this already from previous trips and some conversations we had last week. She knows how much I'm against this, how this will affect our lives and that she is breaking our commitment (and vows) she made in front of me, God, and our familiy and friends. If she already knows how I feel, I don't know how re-expressing my feelings to her will help my situation...
I don't know if she was concerned...maybe a bad choice of words on my part. I wrote that since I thought it was odd that she was asking how my weekend was and what I did... It was kind of an insult to me that she even asked that since she knows how I felt about her going away with the OM.
She knows this isn't fine with me and I believe she knows what she is doing is wrong, but she is doing it anyway. I'm acting "as if" and working on myself. The way I look at it is that I have two options -- either kicking her out so she sees the consequences (which some people have suggested) or working on me and allowing her to live in the same house so that she can see the new "mature", better me (which others have suggested). I really don't know how all this will end up, but this "addiction" or "euphoria" she is experiencing with the OM will wear off sooner or later (so I'm told). I believe I have a better shot at all this while she is living with me versus someplace else. Although I don't want her to walk all over me either so I want to be careful with how I handle this situation as well.
It appears she might be moving out next weekend or the following weekend anyway, so the above might be a moot point.
Since my mother-in-law discovered that something was going on, my MIL shared with me that my W and her are having dinner on Wed night to talk. I've heard from others that it won't matter what my MIL will tell her, but at least my W will get a third party perspective on things versus my perspective...
Me:41 W: 36 No Kids
EA&PA: JUL08-OCT08 & MAY09-fwd
W said we may not make it: JAN09 W said she doesn't want R: 5/8/09,6/5/09,7/19/09 Moved out: 7/31/09
The way I look at it is that I have two options -- either kicking her out so she sees the consequences (which some people have suggested) or working on me and allowing her to live in the same house so that she can see the new "mature", better me (which others have suggested).
SMM,
There is nothing "mature" about condoning immoral and disrespectful behavior. And I doubt your wife views it as such (more on that below) -- she probably just thinks you're not willing to stand up to her and fight for your marriage.
And I disagree with you as well on this:
Quote:
Believe me, she knows how I feel about this already from previous trips and some conversations we had last week.
I see some version of this statement posted very often; I've even used something similar myself a few years ago ("my wife knows how I feel (about our SSM) ..."). But just as WE say on here to not judge them by their WORDS, but rather by their ACTIONS, our wayward spouses do the same thing with us.
And I don't think your ACTIONS in the past HAVE indicated to her what you are, and are not, willing to put up with.
Thanks for the feedback Puppy, but other than kicking her out of the house, what other actions or words are appropriate at this time?
You're correct in that I've not communicated how I feel via my actions. I have however told her verbally how I felt a few weeks ago. I spoke about boundaries, respect, etc.
I do see your point and others. It's a fine line -- kicking her out might push her further into the OM's arms, but then again, it might communicate to her that I'm serious about our R.
I know I can't change the past (my pleading, begging, crying, etc.). I do want to do what's right going forward...
Me:41 W: 36 No Kids
EA&PA: JUL08-OCT08 & MAY09-fwd
W said we may not make it: JAN09 W said she doesn't want R: 5/8/09,6/5/09,7/19/09 Moved out: 7/31/09
She's in the bedroom now with boxing tape and the boxes. It sounds as if she is starting to pack up. I didn't mention anything yet and either has she.
The only thing I asked was "what was that" and she said "boxes" or "boxes for packing".
I know I can't make her stay and there is probably nothing I can say to make her stay. If she says "I'm moving out" or something to that effect, I will probably say, "I'm sorry to hear that. I'll be sad to see you go". I know she knows that I'm fighting for our marriage so it probably doesn't make any sense to mention it again, right?
Me:41 W: 36 No Kids
EA&PA: JUL08-OCT08 & MAY09-fwd
W said we may not make it: JAN09 W said she doesn't want R: 5/8/09,6/5/09,7/19/09 Moved out: 7/31/09
