Well...watching H be sober is interesting. He didn't drink much over the weekend. He is discovering all kinds of new things, like he's Rip Van Winkle and just woke up in his own home...and is somewhat curious as to why everyone avoids him and is inexplicably defensive.
He was enjoying a National Geographic magazine, and he looked at me and said..did you buy this?? Um, nooo. We've been getting it for six months. Gift from my parents. Really?? he says. Wow, never noticed it before. Never noticed the bright yellow NG and other people reading it or discussing it in the same room with him.
Didn't realize that thing in the garage was something important. The cedar chest I inherited from my grandmother, that survived Hurricane Katrina, filled with my mother's old letters. That thing? Oh, sorry I was using it for a work bench.
It's a bit surreal...like, how drunk have you been?? Just sitting around in a fog, apparently.
So, on Sunday, we had an argument...which was kind of going the same way as always, except I am stronger than I used to be. He told me I was sick and I just laughed at him and started reading a book. So then after a while, he came over and said, okay what did I do?
I said, are you being sarcastic?? He says no. I seriously want to know what I'm doing that makes this happen. Of course, I'm still thinking..is this a trick? But he seemed genuinely confused by the fact that "everyone" is mad at him and blows up at him for NO REASON AT ALL. It finally occurred to him that maybe he IS doing something to cause it.
So, and this is unbelievable!!, we went thru the previous conversation sentence by sentence...discussing how each comment fed the next, etc. Normally confronting him about words that come out of his own mouth makes him totally CRAZY. But this time he wanted to discuss it. So we did, and I apologized for some of what I said, and stood by some other things I said. He apologized and said he realizes he has to change the way he talks to us. So it was a good conversation. I still don't trust him because he can think that way today and if I let my guard down he'll try to annhilate me later.
Anyway, I've seen some very positive signs. And I realized that it's possible for me to feel affection for him when he behaves rationally. Then he finally joined facebook. He's run me down about facebook constantly. But he joined and actually we were kind of having fun with it, and I felt this ridiculous surge of joy about it. That it would be fun together. Silly socializing with all our mutual friends.
But then I SAID that to him, with smiles, and he immediately went into curmudgeon mode about how stupid it is and a total waste of time. Of course it's a waste of time. So is watching baseball if you ask me, but it's still fun. I still feel pulled in different directions because he gives with one hand and takes away with the other in the most discouraging passive aggressive way. UGH!
So that's just an update. I have no goal really besides going to work and getting the kids ready for school to start. I'm trying to stand aside and let him go through whatever it is he's going through.
