Thanks folks!All those virtual hugs are just a great way to start my day!
Yes, I feel I`m restoring my balance again after Sunday`s blow up. Was civil to H even though I knew he was seething with me.I just did as I would do if he weren`t around, left my phone lying around so he could check it(he did), played piano, went for a walk. I spoke to him about the kids just to drop into his subconsicous that we have to keep watchful of them and to let him no that I wasn`t going to engage in the silent treatment game.
One of the blessings of this painful place is that I`m so appreciative of friendship. A couple of gfs rang me out of the blue yesterday so I`ve made arrangements to have a couple of fun days out with them soon. No they don`t know out sitch either.
Beginnersmind, I don`t beat myself up over the past, honestly. I just feel its important-and humbling!-to realise what a bitch I was!This pain can make me a better person for everyone!
H and I had fantastic times.So that gives me some hope that we may get through this. DB is giving me more hope than anything else-particularly all you ((((((friends)))))) and I have had very many blessings in the real world particularly with my sister,my family, my children who hare helping me through this in their own way.
Yes, Cat my H is on the Slow Motion Stuff too. I think he sprinkles it on his breakfast cereal every morning... Has obviously upped the dose lately!
Yeah, Jeff, keep your eye on this space! I`m not done yet!!
There's something to be said for treating others like you would like to be treated. I'm proud of you for not feeding the silent treatment. It's so much easier, sometimes, to not say anything...
Important and humbling to realize what a bitch I was! Ha! Sometimes that's what is attractive to others! Just be nice to the kiddies! LOL
You're such an uplifting spirit. I'm shocked that you can't lift that H out of his dark fog on your own!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I'm curious, how does it make you feel when he looks at your phone and in your bag? As much as I am an open book and have nothing to hide, some days I get really aggravated with it all. For several reasons, one-I have nothing to hide so what good does it do for him to keep looking and finding NOTHING? 2-if he is done, what does it matter? 3-if I did that to him, I would be the wicked witch of the west. And what is worse, I give all receipts, bills, etc to him, and he says "oh i don't need to see what you are doing" which of course I don't believe. Some days, especially when I read about it being done to others, I wonder if anyone else is as bugged about it as I am.
Sorry, left over H interaction crap from yesterday. You know, I do well, but sometimes, it is just easier if he isn't around at all. Also had a lightbulb moment this am. H never learned how to share. I just always thought he was a little possessive about his stuff, but it isn't that. He just simply doesn't know how to share with others and I will share everything I have which is why I have always been bothered when he called our stuff, (bed, car, tv, etc) his. It is something I would always remind him of. And now I also understand one of the reasons he started doing his own laundry again. It isn't to give me a break or because I shouldn't have to do it anymore or even because he is trying to be independent. It is simply because this way it doesn't get confused with S's. (They wear the same size). So if anyone has any thoughts on how to deal with the spoiled child who won't share his toys, I would appreciate it. LOL. I guess that is my dilemma of the week to pray about.
Here is another puzzler, that may actually fall under the heading of projection but who knows? When they start, calmly, expressing thoughts about things they have done in the past, things you have done, ways you behave that could maybe be altered because it makes them feel a certain way, does that mean they are peeking out, trying to manipulate in a different way, or is it just more bs?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
With the talking about the past, I think you need to look at it on a case by case basis. Has the item always been an issue between you? If so, even you you think your point is valid, maybe you could consider a third option that is a win win for both of you for next time it comes up?
I have had, on occasion, the oppurtunity to talk to a few MLC'ers that have made it to the other side. One of the common things I hear is that, although they do snoop just as much as we have to stop ourselves from doing. It changes for them.
In the beginning, they do it to try to find something to relieve their guilt.
But as time goes on, it tends to change for them. Once they start to wonder, and once the curiousity starts coming around, I have heard that it is to see if what they are seeing from us, matches what we are telling everyone else.
Double checking our actions to verify that we are real for ourselves and for them.
Thanks. I was sort of thinking along those lines. Yes the things that have come up could actually be valid issues I suppose. Some are in the past, cannot be changed, but it was nice to hear how he felt about it without him blaming and him understanding, finally and admitting his part in it, why something was done the way it was (this was about son and I stated what I had to several days ago and he thought about it for a while and then had a comment). The other issues are more about how we communicate and he is pointing out things that I have said to him for years. So when he says it now, all I can do is be different, and, ok i'll take 2x4's, point out to him that he has to be willing to give me the same courtesy that he is asking for. One of H's biggest things, which is an issue for me and just makes me want to ignore what he says, is the double standard. Behavior that is never ok for me, stuff he has berated me for over and over and over (even before this) is the exact same stuff he has always done but is Mr. Perfect for doing. I used to fight back, defend, and refuse to change my behavior because he wouldn't change his. Now, I just listen and tell him that I deserve the same respect. Which I guess for me is a total 180. I am, have been for a long time, a nonperson in H's view. I was not entitled to express feelings, to express desires, to go places unless son or a parent was with me except for work, to ask questions about anything, to expect him to treat me the same way I treated him, with the same consideration. God forgive me for speaking negativly of H. But this is not rewriting history unfortunately. The sad part is that I let it get this way. I have to say that I never felt kept down exactly, until I started to try to make changes in this situation, and then started getting in trouble. That was when I saw what I was living. I think that is where my anger and frustration keeps flaring up from. I get angry with myself now for having allowed things to get where they were.
Who knows maybe I started treating him like a nonperson. I know I did start treating him like a child, because he acted like one. No I can't say maybe. I did start treating him the way he treated me by treating him like a child.
Mach, I guess that is really stupid about the snooping. I just keep wanting to ask if he is finding what he is looking for. On any given day my purse contains, my checkbook, nail clippers, old shopping lists, hair clips, medication for him (stomach pills, ibuprophen, antianxiety pills), my credit cards, insurance cards, id, and anything else that my son throws in there for mom to carry. Nothing more, nothng less. It has never been something that I have kept secret or closed to anyone. My phone is used for work, son, H, and family. So snoop away but nothing new or different. Does it ever stop? Not that I'm planning on hiding anything when it does, and not that I'm being careful now compared to before but...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I think it stops when WE stop letting it spin us.....
I have struggled lately with just letting it go...
Whatever happens will, and I will be fine regardless the outcome....
We really do have power over our actions and thoughts, and the less they spin us, the better for us.....
That is a lot harder than it sounds.
One of my good friends sent me an e-mail yesterday that really is helping with that..You know who you are.....:)
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else. To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another. To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies. To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality. To let go is not to deny, but to accept. To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it. To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more and To let go and to let God, is to find peace ! Remember: The time to love is short ------ author unknown
Mach, that is beautiful and I have actually seen it before. Yes, I too am struggling again with letting go. Not of H. But of my own stuff. No I didn't cause this, but there are so many things I could have done differently that would have made ME and my experience different if that makes any sense.
I have been sort of entertaining the very evil thought lately of starting to start hiding things for him to find. I know, that would make the situation worse and I won't do it, but it is just one of those things that goes through my head once in a while.
I think in ways I'm joining Trapt's club and I need to give myself all of the same reminders that he has received. When H shows any sort of human behavior toward me, I spin a little. The alien crap is just that and sort of makes me sit back and laugh anymore. This all seems very different than the touch and go's that I got for months and months. Do I see reconcilliation, NO. Do I see growing, yes. Where will it lead, only God knows. I was called honey yesterday. I almost crapped my pants and then it took me several hours to put myself back together. For the last year, I have been addressed once by the term housemate, and the rest of the time hey. Occasionally I remind him "I have a name" and about a week or so ago he actually said yes you do, but still has not used it. IMO, the use of my name would be a huge step, and would probably also make me have some sort of accident, so the honey was one of those really f'd up things. LOL. Then the jerk returned momentarily and I got an instant headache and went to bed. Beginning to think I'm going to have a stroke over all of this LOL.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
One of the things that took me a long time to get was that hindsight is really 20/20.
Anything I did or didnt do in the marriage was never done or not done with malice or intent to hurt of cause harm. I really did do the best I could with the tools I had at the time.
Do I wish I did things differently? Absolutely, without a doubt. Should he have done things differently? No question. But, I loved him with all my heart.
I really serves no purpose to keep revisiting the things we wished we did or didnt do except to use them to help us change.
