I would absolutely 100% tell her that you gave it more thought and you would NOT feel comfortable for her to date or have sex with anyone. That you only said it because you thought that was what she wanted to hear.
That is the biggest load of horse droppings that WILL not get her to come closer to you.
Then refuse to discuss it again. She may still go forward with her twinkle but she will not do it thinking she has your blessings.
Please go read my latest post to K4D, because it may be applicable to you as well. (Rather than me having to repeat myself.)
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Need some quick advice on possible sex liaison with my Wife and someone else this upcoming weekend.
I just took this past weekend after discussing with Wife how she will be taking the next 2 weekends so I deserved some time to cool out and do something good for myself.
Going to dinner with Wife tonight to discuss schedule with kids. We're in-house separation and she has told me she wants to date and have sex with others. Tells me I can do the same if I like, but I'm focused on Divorce Busting and really don't want just short term pleasure. I want my wife and family to be happy together.
Anyway - she's taking this next weekend for herself. Tells me she's going to be with her girlfriend and family. Problem is she has packed her sexiest cocktail dress, new sexy panties, and shorty night gowns. Obviously I think she's going to meet someone for sex. She doesn't know I know what she's packed and I'm not going to tell her I know this.
Already told her in front of our marriage therapist last week that if that is what she is going to do I'd really rather just have her tell me rather than hide it. At least that way I can deal with it rather than obsess about whether this is really just a "girls weekend."
I'm thinking of mentioning tonight at our dinner after we have eaten and when the time seems relaxed what we discussed with the therapist. Here's what I'm thinking of saying. Please give me your feedback:
"I'm giving you your space as a friend during our separation. As we discussed we both have issues we need to work on, and our therapist told us getting involved with others during this time prevents us from working out those issues. As I mentioned it would help me not to obsess - just tell me if you're going to meet someone for romance this weekend."
You can ask, but she's not going to tell you. Or she's going to get real defensive and blame you for driving her actions. That you're controlling and don't understand that it's over, etc.
Take your pick.
I would maybe relate to her what your boundary is about not having the stink of another man on her in your home. Well maybe not that harsh.
Seriously what is your boundary. If you feel like she's going to disrespect it, then you have to do what YOU have to do. You can't control her, just your actions.
You can either not say anything and let it go (which might be best), or tell her what YOU will not tolerate. Tell her she can do whatever she wants, as it is HER choice, and tell her that YOU are not willing to let YOUR children be exposed to such behavior and that if she does this, she will find her things in the garage. Say all this very politely and matter of factly.
Get your self-respect back from her. You can't control her, but you can get your balls back from her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think my boundary is: "as her unconditional friend she asked me if I trusted our marriage therapist because she did. Therefore, since our therapist said these kinds of actions prevent growth, yes, she is going to do what she is going to do, but it's important that we are both aware of our actions vs. working on ourselves regardless of whether with each other or someone else." She has said as munch, i.e. "I know that I can't be in a relationship with you or anyone else without working on my own issues."
That's not really a boundary. It's just saying that you respect the other's need to grow. It doesn't give them cart blanche to continue hurting the LBS.
The thing about our WASs are is that they believe they are "entitled" to go out and step all over the emotions of the LBS without any consequences. They enjoy doing what they are doing and "to hell" with what they're spouse thinks.
Do you want her having sex with another man? No? Well, there's your boundary. Period.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
OK - maybe I rephrase and say "you're going to do what you're going to do this weekend, but I want you to know I mean what I said about not wanting you to have sex with other people."
"but I want you to know I mean what I said about not wanting you to have sex with other people."
First off, don't ever say "but". It negates everything that precedes it.
Second, it again makes you sound needy and controlling. Just say that "I feel hurt when you sleep around with other men while we are still married. I don't feel it is an appropriate behavior to show our kids." Then if she tells you to go to hell, then you do the bag packing things. You're not stopping her, but she has to understand the consequences of her actions.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
OK - maybe I rephrase and say "you're going to do what you're going to do this weekend, but I want you to know I mean what I said about not wanting you to have sex with other people."
Better?
NO!
hows this:
Quote:
"If you leave this weekend with your skimpy panties and shorty night gowns I consider that abandonment and your inappropriate behavior as mental cruelity.
If you are even considering the tought of f**king around with other men, pack your bags and leave now for good. I will contact my lawyer and we will write up a visitation schedule so you can see the kids as we proceed with the divorce.
I don't think so. I'm thinking about the WAW who posted this morning that if her Husband made any kind of threat like this she would react badly to prove her point. Also thinking about the Wives that said they finally realized their Husbands loved them and were the ones for them because these good and wonderful men treated them gently, respectfully and gave them their space and free will. I can't control what she does and I believe that by making it known: 1. I've never cheated on her in 17 years which I have told her, and 2. I don't approve and neither does our marriage counselor not like a non approving nagging mother, but because sex with others really do prevent anyone from doing the hard work they must do as both my wife and I have said to each other before we can be in a relationship with anyone!
Final thought. My wife has always told me that when as a child her mother lashed out at her it was NOT effective, but what really caused her to think was when her mother would tell her I know you're better than this and I recognize you will do what you want (she was 18) but I'm disappointed.
OK Steve I know you don't agree, but this is my course. I followed it last night and this morning she was VERY kind to me - told me I looked good and came back in the house before going to work to bring my sunglasses from the car - something she normally would NOT do.
It's a narrow line, but I believe this is the right course for me right now. Believe me - if she were to move in with another man or start openly telling me she's having an affair than I would up the stakes, but like Poker you don't go ALL IN, unless you're really prepared to lose everything, and it is not right to give an ultimatum now.
